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Well, here I am on "vacation" trying so hard to keep the focus on ME. It is a family vacation filled with all sorts of the disease. I am having such a hard time with the discussions and situations. I feel so bad for my kids having to deal and listen to all this 'diseased talk' when they are having such a hard time dealing with their fathers disease. I have left numerous times, gone for a walk or drive or just left and cried. I am only day 2 out of 8 and there is a LOT more diseased people coming. Next weekend there will be about 25 more.
My patience is running thin. I have searched out some alanon meetings but they will be hard to get to. There is such a large part of me that just wants to leave and go home. If I left I would once more be letting the disease control ME. I know there are some good things in everyone but sometimes it is so hard to see.
If anyone can give me some help on how they deal with constant contact with multiple diseased people I would really appreciate it. I know I need help, I cannot make the online meetings but rapidly feel like I am falling apart. Please, anything to help me with patience and detachment etc would help.
Hi, Sandie, A good face to face meeting would be good for you now, in my experience! I guess I don't understand why leaving would be allowing the disease to control you. For me, another way to think about it is that you would be setting boundaries if you left. No matter what, Sandie, you are doing great. I'm so glad you posted here- you are reaching out and you are breaking your isolation. So you are getting better, no matter how the rest of the week goes. You have a lot of courage. Thanks for posting here. It helps all of us. Blessings, mebjk
Hi Sandie, I agree. I don't see how leaving would be them winning. It would be you taking control. I couldn't do it...stay I mean...but I'm only in the early stages of recovery. If you can't get to a meeting, trust your intuition...it's usually right....don't put yourself through any heartache....you're worth so much more.
Going on walks, listening to head phones, doing some reading, meditation ~ don't know where you are on vacation... when I would go with my husband I would bring adult comic strip books (like Far Side) & use colored pencils to color & escape doing some art that I enjoy. Again books & music are a great way to escape... are you near the ocean? Maybe you & your kids could do some baking together or see a movie to get out.
I do know when I'm around - say a family reunion, lots of A's & I used to try so hard to be heard - no one listened to me anyway... maybe HP is reminding you that all you really need is right inside of you. You know, reminding you of the contrasts & your resolve to overcome this insidious disease. Maybe you'll have the opportunity to stand up for yourself. Don't let them drag you down.
I used to bartend & nothing made me want to drink less than seeing others imbibe & act a fool & talk jibberish... I couldn't get away fast enough.
If you're in a wuaint town, walk around or do some writing for yourself. Truth is when I'm not around A's, my life is still dictated by my upbringing. I'm beating some of my compulsions but some days others still get me down.
I am a very loving person, I have to remember to turn that love right back around & give it to me, no one else can know what I need better than I can see & God can pour on me, if I allow it to happen. I deserve my own good love & you deserve yours.
I pray that you feel strong, protected, at peace, happy & joyful. That HP will give you glimpses of your own divinity & you can really feel it & actualize it. Amen.
I sleep a lot these days, I think I'm run down from all the years of abuse & neglect, maybe you can get some good naps in to boot! I know part of it, is that I have neglected myself too. As an adult I can choose to treat myself better, today. You deserve to rest & not obsess. Once we submit & surrender to Letting Go & not focusing on them but on us, it is so much easier to detach.
you say you can't get to on-line meetings, I guess that means you can't get to the chat room either... posting helps get it off your chest/heart & out of your mind. Don't forget to do something nice for yourself ~ even if it is prayer, meditation & RELAXING, you deserve it!!!
Love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I read your post and found something out of "the book", lol, that may help you. It's from Dec. 3, and here are excerpts from that reading...
"We can learn to develop healthy tolerance...We don't have to feel guilty about taking care of ourselves once we indentify a boundary that needs to be set...We don't have to feel guilty or apologize or explain ourselves after we've set a boundary...We can establish our rights to have these limits...Once we can trust our ability to take care of ourselves, we will develop healthy reasonable tolerance of others..."
Do what you have to do to maintain your sanity ~ You're worth it!
Sending from my HP to your HP thoughts of good wishes, prayers and hoping that in a special way your HP will send you a spiritual awakening to let you know that He is there with you in the middle of all those people affected by the disease. That your HP has you wrapped in his protective arms - keeping you in a safe and peaceful place.
One Day At A Time -
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I also like Kitty spent a lot of years trying to get various A's and other dysfunctional people to see and hear me. I think its a long process to get to acceptance that they don't. No one can "tell" you how to do that process, each to his own. I do know that now I would not go on a holiday with the A. He is going off on some trip in a few weeks, nothing would drag me along. Holidays are super loaded for him to need to be in control.
I am so glad that you can access into this group. I know being here is so so so key for me. Getting the time to be here is another factor in my life . I know when I am here more and concentrating on my 12 steps I feel more centered.
I try to surround myself with as much recovery as possible. That seems to neutralize the destructive effects of the world.
Well, I guess the best advice I can give you is make the best out of your 6 more days. Go do things and bond with your children....away from them if you have to. Pray to HP everyday to help make the best of things. You don't have control over them but you can give them up to HP and just tell him that you have no control and you are giving them to him...Ask for protection and guidance as to what to do each day.
Vacations are supposed to be relaxing, and to see new things...try to do just that and the biggest advice I can give you is: don't vacation with people who you are not compatable with. I know they are your family but the Chaos is not what you strive for and that is what they live for! Do some vacationing with your children and show them how you want them to be when they get older because they learn from all of them and you know you don't want them to act that way or do the things they do.
My mom is an active alcoholic and she told me she was moving to Indiana to move in with her alcoholic sister and my immediate reaction was that I wouldn't make a trip to vacation out there to see her just because I know what I would be getting into and I just wouldn't find it enjoyable to be with her and her sister..drinking..acting a fool...complaining..fighting...gossiping...blah,blah,blah!!!!!!! You know what I mean!
Keep your chin up and pray,pray,pray.....even with your kids
Can you find a quite place to meditate? Just find a quite spot and just meditate. When I am going to be gone for a few days and may need strength I bring my literature with me so that I can suck as much serenity out of them as possible. Can you call an alanon buddy, that might help as well. You said getting to a meeting might be hard. Maybe you can contact the local group and see if someone can meet you for coffee or something.
Find a way to put the focus back on you.
Take care of yourself.
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
when i cant get to meet, or call sponser, or call recovery mate that i trust, i call a friend SOMEone to share my feelings...
than i drag out the 12steps, and the literature, and i do PLENTY of self talk......telling me that "its ok to feel, u r ok, its going to be ok............." etc......i breathe deep.....STOP and think......pray/ meditate.........and keep focus on me.......detachment.....there are things u can do.........like get off to urself for a bit and do the tools........i have had to do this and it does work......
the main thing is BREAKING the negative karma commin at U.......cuz if u fight it, HP is blocked from helping.......RELEASE IT......RELEASE U.......HP kicks in and its ok....peace, rosie
Lots of good stuff here, I just have a couple more suggestions that may or may not help.
If access to a computer is limited, you might be able to get a free hour or so at the library. There are also internet cafes where you can go in and take your computer time, with a cup of coffee. It sounds like you are visiting family, which can be stressful. Is there any way you can just take yourself and maybe the kids on a sort of mini vacation from the vacation? For a few days if possible, or even just for the afternoon "You know, I grew up here, but I've never even been to the museum (zoo, art gallery, big mall, riverside park, blah blah...) Bye, see you at 6!" In those intense family situations, I find that my family is just as glad to see the back of me for a while as I am to get a breather from them.
When I was a kid, my dad would always find a way to be absent for much of the big family gatherings. He would go for walks, take the kids to the playground, volunteer to go and get something and disappear for a few hours. Now I understand!
Also want to add - I'm another one who doesn't see it as letting them control you, if you just decide to go home. You are just deciding what you want to spend your time around, which is your right.
Family reunions/get togethers are hard for me. There is alcoholism on both sides of our families and we have large get togethers. I have tried every which way to interact - not go, go and leave early, host the reunion in my house/my territory, take two cars, go and suffer in silence, go and speak up, try to corral the ring leaders ahead of time and make suggestions. Occasionally, I will find a long lost relative hovering in the corner like me who I can bond with about being uncomfortable at the gathering. This last get together was for a happy occasion - our son was home on leave from Iraq. It was good for him to be supported by his family. However, my niece sent me digital pictures and half of them had everyone holding a beer and smiling that drinking smile. I wanted to scream and say doesn't anyone realize that we are an alcoholic family and we shouldn't drinking?
So sometimes you just have to surrender and take pictures.
Hi Sandie, Just wanted to say that I certainly do understand the feeling of entrapment that you were having. Lucky you to be able to come here with it. Years ago when I went through so much of that I had no place to turn, just grin and bear it and leave with a migraine. You are free to be you, and lucky that you are free. You are worth a whole whole lot, your sanity is worth getting away from the insanity as often and as long as you can. By the way, you don't owe anybody an explanation. Just, I need to go somewhere, please excuse me .
