The material presented
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Ok, when I think of recovering alcoholic, I thnk of someone that knows they have a problem and is seeking help outside themselves.
My A knows there is a problem but that is it. She does not think she needs help. She thinks her problem is under control by herself. Her drinking has slowed down but it has not stopped. Ask her and she will tell anyone I used to drink a huge bottle of liquor a day now I can drink only a small bottle of wine a couple of days a week. Her shrink said she is the kind of personality that should not drink at all. I have yet to see her go beyond one month sober.
This morning has been hell. I got up & have felt like a dog eat dog world & I am wearing milk bone underwear. She is blaming her hatefulness & rudeness on being in pain. She is running around like a mad women, if I stop moving I will have to go to sleep. I have been calm trying to talk to her. I am getting my head chopped off. Then she is like I apologize for being so short with you. I am in pain. I decided to just shut up & not say anything. Sheesh, she is being nice to the dogs, talking sweet. I will be so glad to go to work soon. Silence is prefered to her hateful comments. I told her she is going to her housesitting job a day early so I don't have to take her there again the next day.
Remember you don't have to give her the power to make you feel . . .If she is in a bad mood, try mentally detaching yourself from the situation. I know it's easier said than done, but it couldn't hurt to give it a try -
This program reminds me I am powerless of people, places, things and circumstances - the only thing I have any power over it me - so I choose to have a good day regardless of what those people, places, things or circumstances try to throw my way - and if all else fails - Fake it til ya make it -
Hope you have a great day,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi there I totally sympathize with your post. I had been told months ago in alanon that even in recovery the A can exhibit the same behaviors they did as an active A. I dont know how many times I heard it but when my A finally did decide to get sober and work his program I thought the active behaviors would just disappear.....oh how wrong I was. I just try to remind myself when he's "having a moment" that I dont have to attend every argument Im invited to. I also have a right to speak my mind, say what I mean and not say it mean. So I do that and I walk away and I dont engage in the argument no matter how difficult that is for me, it gets easier. I support him in his recovery and keep the focus on my program and remember that I am just as sick as he is. I deserve to spend time on me. So ((hugs)) keep the focus on you and know that you have lots of love and support here....
My definition of a recovering alcoholic is someone who is seeking help to recover from alcohol which means zero alcohol. Personally, it sounds to me that she is is not getting the skills to learn how to function without alcohol on a daily basis. It sounds to me all of the same games are being played out too...blaming her anger on pain...being nice to the dogs and not you(a jab)...saying hateful things that could be controlled by proper help...
Hang in there Do something nice for yourself today!
to me a recovering alcoholic is someone who Drinks nothing , Smokes nothing but reg cigs and is making an efffort to change thier lives attitudes etc and preferably a program AA. since I am told tht i don't have the right to choose the method of recovery for anyone but me , AA meetings are up to the A .
A little bit of booze occasionally just dosen't work from the alcoholics I am aquainted with the dream of every A is to be a casual drinker , for an A that is just not possible . all or nothing
The other very wise members here are correct. When an A is in recovery, they are not only not using but they are diligently looking within, facing their demons & feelings.
Just being "dry" (not using) A's will exhibit the same or often even more angry, abusive behavior then before.
I've heard in AA/NA rooms that since the A is so new to experiencing their own emotions, they are so uncomfortable for them to digest ~ that the other supportive person ought to give them a year to assimilate them.
It is so tempting for us to try to appeal to them & let them know how much pain they have caused us, this can be overwhelming in new recovery as they can't hardly handle their own feelings, let alone everyone's around them, it just takes time. We are used to taking up the slack & acutely experiencing our feelings & a lot of other emotions that go with this insidious & confusing disease.
I definetely would choose my battles carefully, my ex & I would argue about the news, anything, it didn't matter ~ as someone else sd "just not engaging" ~ I used to just sit there quietly look at him, say nothing, pick up a book. If I left the room or tried to walk away he would only follow me from room to room screaming.
This is what all A's want: to be a casual normal drinker, yet they have a compulsion & cannot control it. If they aren't getting as much as their tolerance is, they are often lashing out & quite cruel. They are in denial, the want to be 'normal.'
I know in my situation with my ex husband (addict) the more loving I was towards him the more evil & vicious he was to me. In hindsight I can see that he hated himself, so he doped up to be moderately "even" or numb his feelings. I still loved him. Since I could love his unlovable self ~ he would be even more abusive, since I could stay there even though I was 'getting burned' he assumed I either deserved it or was more unlovable then he was.
Think about it like a dog, they love us unconditionally, if you hit a dog (or kid) they will come up to you trying to win your favor again. I would have done anything to please my husband, nothing worked. We had a big church wedding... if I hadn't been married to him, I wouldn't have stayed over 4 yrs, I doubt I would have lasted an entire year.
That is just their sick logic... he was nice as pie in public, saved all of the abuse for closed doors, he also abused his mother terribly & he worked with her.
Sometimes saying nothing is the best way not to engage... in the end, I was SO psychologically abused & beaten down ~ he "won" all the time b/c he wanted to get me to fight & I did. It is just like in martial arts, staying calm is the trick, if you are angry or upset you are "off balance."
Love, -K o L
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I know for me being overinvolved with the A nearly killed me with resentment. I have to watch my resentment level daily. If it gets too toxic I have to look at what I am so angry about.
I make a point of not knowing what the A is doing. I make a point of not being interested. Does that mean I am not interested, not at all but I am interested in me. I think personaly my A would suck the life out of me and them stomp on me if he could. He always has suggestions of what I "should " be doing. I have none for him but he has a hundred for me. So I say very very little to him these days. I communicate with him as little as possible. As I have come to see most stuff A's say is not true or sliding the truth there is not much point in it anyways. I used to walk on eggshells all the time trying to anticipate what he was going to do next. I gave up on that not because it didn't work but because it was killing me with stress and resentment.
I don't think it is a coincidence I do not not has asthma this year. I know it has a lot to do with al-anon and stress reduction.
I have a friend, whose A ex-hubby got sober about two years ago, considers himself "recovered", and has recently started drinking again, and figures he can handle it.... I have seen some of that same pattern in some oldtimers as well.... A friend of my A's, who is an awesome "recovered" lady with 22 years of sobriety under her belt, is VERY humble, and is quick to remind me (and anyone else) that she should be 32 years sober, but she "took her eyes off her recovery and fell asleep" some ten years after getting sober, and went back to drinking for a few months...
To me, the definition of "recovering alcoholic" is someone who is actively pursuing AND living a program of recovery, taking care of their spiritual & emotional needs.... Typically it is somebody who "embraces AA as a part of their lives", rather than viewing it as a 'necessary step' to achieve a goal of sobriety.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
