"I have read several times here that we are people pleasers and fixers....Several years ago I bought a book entitled "The Need to Please"   I saw this trait in myself .....Can someone explain the connection with living with an A." -Elizabeth

I know those of us that were raised ACOA or any controlling parent, have this trait like it is 'our disease, compulsion' & what draws A's to us like magnets...  we are so willing to abandon ourselves in hopes of being loved by another, it is fairly clear cut.  Ironic thing about it is...  we continue to perpetuate this.  Subconsciously, since (obviously) we have to love ourselves & get fulfillment, satisfaction from life from within our own souls, none of us A's or enablers can "get it" from someone else, we continue to act out more desperately over the years ~ in my case going from one romantic entaglement to another ~ getting more extreme...  where i would have done anything for that other person, to get a void filled inside that only I could fill & an A could not, as they have this very same void...

this is why they gravitate to us like magnets, we are willing to sacrifice ourselves at any cost & they will continue to demand a higher & higher price as their need to be fulfilled becomes greater as they build up a tolerance.

So we think if we do more, try harder, sacrifice more, they will love us.  They think ~ they are compulsed to drug, they loathe & despise themselves, they are unlovable, if we can stay there & endure the abuse, we either enjoy it or are more unworthy than they if we can love them in spite of it...  so goes the cyclic abuse, until someone breaks the chain.

I have found that my relationships were basically the same, they only became more abusive & more destructive, until I finally determined I was worth more, wasn't going to tolerate the abuse & moved on to a life in which I have chosen to be alone.  I pray daily not to attract another liar to me.  If this means I only have friendships & no deep intimate companionships, it's okay.  When I have evolved enough, changed my programming enough, I will meet an emotionally mature person that reflects where I want to be, when I reach that point. 

I don't know if that sheds any light on your question.  I do often think of what a great therapist told me once, it resonated deeply as I see a lot of ppl out in the world as users (or givers) & when I was 16 thought a similar idea - that users are like vampires...

   She sd, "A's are psychic vampires, they suck the energy right out of you, if they can't get the love the so desperately want, they'll take anxiety/fear, anger, guilt, pain.  Anything to give them energy from you to keep them sustained & your energy on THEM & not working on your own life.  Healthy people walk away from A's.  Healthy ppl have personal boundaries & don't tolerate the manipulation, control, abuse." 

Love, a friend in recovery, -Kitty of Light