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I kinda laugh at that title because Mad TV used to do a spoof on a dating service. That was the title of the skit.
Well it fits me now, lol I have tried to lower my expectations & it is working somewhat. I am trying not to keep track of her alcohol consumption. Not actually sure when or how much these days just her stupid behavior is a dead giveaway.
I think I was on the computer the other day and not giving her my undivided attention. She started muttering something as she went thru the house. " I can't hear you. I am on the computer & it is more important than anything you have to say to me". I think that was the jest of it. I was kinda pissed but I was doing something important.
I have told her & I have the hours to the online alanon chat room posted. Yet she is oblivious to time. She is the center of attention. or so she seems to think she should be. But if I try & ask her a question. A simple one. "when was the 2 gallon gas can put into the tank?" I asked when we were out of gas and sitting. No reply. I hate it. do not ignore me & expect me to hear every word you say.
Oh, I remember, I got off work at 8 pm Friday nite. I went by the local dumpster to dump trash & feed & water the dog & moma cat & 3 kittens there. I can not take them home anymore. I could be fined if I do. Thanks to a "friend" calling the Dept of Agriculture out here last year.
I told her when I got home I got some stuff from the dumpsters , a bunch of house hold stuff & clothing in bags were thrown away. I could not get it all. I am not as agile as her to get it out. We collect good stuff that can be reused & donate it to a thrift store or a clothing bank. People out here throw away gentle used, some with tags on it, & useable stuff. we have a lot of poor folks out here.
So it was almost 9 pm by then , she is like a hyperactive kid, I gotta go. I got cabin fever. I have been home all day. I hurt & have been asleep most of the day. The ironic part is she swears she is in pain all the time. She can barely move or get out of bed. Her dr put her on vicodin but she doesn't want to get hooked on them. so only one a day if that. But in her mind alcohol is ok. However the ironic part is she can get hope inside a dumpster & get out without much effort. So she runs out & goes back to that dumpster to get the rest of the stuff I could not reach.
(I thought ok, all the local store out here are closed so no booze), WRONG. She still had time at one store that closed at 10pm. She came back unloaded that stuff & loads the truck with the stuff for the sale tommorrow. We agreed to get up early Saturday morning so we could go do the sale we do ever Saturday before it got really hot. She loaded the truck mostly Friday nite but a few more things were to be added. She came in & talked non stop like a mynabird. She finally got the message when I did no answer. She started making something to eat. then decided to start Humming. She went ouside & continued outside my bedroom window at 1am. I hollared good nite. Seh was like am I bothering you? DUH!!! Add booze instant AHole. sheesh.
So I got up around 8 am. I finished loading the truck. I was thinking I guess I am going alone. She fianally gets up & feeds the outdoors dogs. We went to town to do the sale. She starts in like I am the one in a bad mood. I am trying to argue. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HERE IN CRITICSISM ABOUT HERSELF. SHE IS PERFECT. I told her tt takes two to argue. We got set up to do the sale at 12:45pm. It is nearly 100. I brought a big thermometer to put in a tree our only shade.
She is itching to go shopping now. This is a norm lately. I brought sun block, plenty of water, & wore my bathing suit for the weather. I was pouring sweat. I turned on a radio I brought, really cool, cranks no batteries. Well one of my favorite songs was on. I forgot about her & being mad & doing this sale alone. hmmm If I did the sale alone , then I should be able to use the money as I see fit. She has this cockamamie idea that all change is her beer money. I was alone until around 4 pm. She came back with some friends of ours we have not seen in awhile. one had been really , really sick. she was near death.So Tina tells me about her adventure inside the AC. & her shopping with our freinds in Target. My freinds noticed I was sunburnt. Then she is like oh you wanted something to eat, let me go get it now. When she got back , we ate then the weather started getting dark & windy. we had storm warnings. I was getting tired of picking up the stuff being blown over. I said Let's load up.
We still had to shop some more, pay some bills, & I have to be at work by 8 pm. I figured we had plently of time to do it all & I could drop her off & still get to work. I give up on making plans. I can never make them, they never go thru as planned. We got plumbing parts she was commenting on how well we were getting along & said she would finish the plumbing and have the water back on before I got home in the am. I half way listen or believe anymore. I will believe it when I see it. We had to stop & talk to a freind at Lowes. Listen to a story he had told us before. I kept looking at my watch. She is like it is not nice to not listen to him again.
We finally got to near my job about 20 min early. So we went to the dumpsters again to kill time. We recycle aluminum cans too. Someone had thrown away a bunch of empty bags of purina dog chow. We collect the weight circles & redeem them. We get $7.00 checks for so many points.
She dropped my off at my job on time. Headed home, I guess. I have no clue. I reminded her I got off work at 8 am. I asked her not to spend alot of the money becasue I had just used my money for fixing my truck again to pay the bills & buy stuff today. I did ask her if she would to go talk to the mechanic near my job. I have been waiting on him to call & say when I could bring in my truck. I thought if he had a face instead of just a voice he might be able to do it sooner.
Well, I was exhausted at work. The man I sit with did not sleep hardly at all. He was up & down almost every hour on the hour to pee or he was changing channels all nite long. I sleep in the same room. he sleeps in his lift chair & I on the hospital bed. I finally got up for the day at 7am Sunday. He was already awake. I called my house to wake up Tina to come pick me up. I live 15 miles one way from his house. It is like half an hour away. I called about a dozen times. I got the answering machine but no answer. The other lady shows up & still no ride. I hate being late. I hate not have a reliable person to live with. If she has an appt she is usually on time. Any other appts ........depends usually late.I think it is so rude to be late.
The daughter of the man I sit with calls, I was to pick up my paycheck. It was now almost 9am. one hour late. I figured she must have run out of gas again. I asked the daughter could she give me a ride home? Well guess who drives up as I am to get inside. yup! My A Tina drives up. No explaination at all as to her being late. She starts talking like she was not late. I think she was asleep & overslept.GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. She did go by the mechanic & struck up a conversation about animals. He said bring my truck by & he will fit it in
I told the daughter she overpaid me. She says really? are you sure. It was at least $100 too much. I have thought about it today. I can not in good coinscience cash that check. I go back Monday. I will have her rewrite it for the right amount. She is a little dingy & I could easily cash it & she would never question it but I am not that kinda person. One of the other ladies did get paid for 2 hours she was not there, he went to the dr's office. I pointed it out to the daughter but.............It is not my problem. I just know I am an honest person.Oh I could use the money no question about that but it is not right.
So today, I have been up & down sleeping. Tina tells me she got 39 bags from the dumpsters of those empty purina bags. She stayed up cutting them off the bag. she unloaded the truck. she did not do the plumbing. I assume she bought some more booze to help herself move. It bothers me that she doesn't think twice about drinking and driving now. We do not have the money to buy another vehicle , bail her out of jail & insurance will not cover a replacement.
Another thing I have noticed, she is cooking some more now. I am trying to compliment her more & criticise less. She has food ready to eat around 9 pm or later. I was in the hospital last year due to stomach problems. she knows I can not eat so late. she is like well take some carafate. I am trying to keep some weight off & lose some more. eating that late, I can not do it. She will eat all nite long & not have a problem. I have told her again & again. I can not eat past 7:30pm no ifs and or buts about it. It falls on deaf ears.
I will not depend on her for anything at all. If she does do something good then what a wonderful surprise that is. As for my HP , Tina is house sitting again. June 28 thru July 5. no wheels, no booze ......ah boo hoo. HP does listen to prayers. I finally made my vacation plans, July 26 to Aug 1 in SC on the SC beach. well one mile away. I get to see alot of family. two great nephews I have yet to meet. I am thinking of taking Tina to her housesitting jig on the 27th the day I will be in town so I don't have to drive up the next day too. Oh My that will be 10 whole days with no alcohol whatsoever and no way to get to any either. makes my heart bleed. NOT!
I am so glad I do not have to depend on her to drop me off or come get me for almost 2 weeks. yippee!!! it is embarrassing to be late either way coming to work or waiting to go home.
When is she suppose to face her own consequences? Or is it just I am not suppose to care? She seems so oblivious.
So my lowered expectations, ........One of my late grandfathers sayings " if you don't have anything nice to say about someone say nothing at all"
I love you all, It is so nice to know I am not the only miserable soul on the planet. "This too shall pass"
Wow... you are really going through it. I grew up ACOA, so I know that an A will get their fix one way or another ~ I don't trust any of them only b/c 22 yrs ago when I found Al-Anon, I also sat in many countless AA & NA meetings as my best(est) childhood friend got herself clean. She treated the Program like her new addiction & wanted support... sometimes I went to 3 meetings a day with her. I'll never forget what I heard in those rooms... if they want a drink or a drug, you'd be surprised the stories ~ most ppl wouldn't ask for a quarter from anyone, A's would do anything... the more desperate, the more shocking.
It is hopeless worrying about them or trying to control their behavior. We can only control or change ourselves.
Reading your post, albeit a funny analogy to Mad TV... I think u are realizing that it is healthier not to have any expectations of an A, like u said, 'it'll be a nice surprise.' One of our sayings goes: Expectations are premditated resentments. If you don't have any, you aren't focusing negative, draining, wasted energy on them.
You are right too, A's have their priorities all mixed up, they are self-serving, inconsiderate & obvlivious. Doesn't it seem insane, they want to stand there & waste time hearing the same old tale, when u have a real job to get to?
I know A's like that too, a casual acquaintance is more valued than a loved one ~ that's just the way it is. Detaching is difficult at first, but the more you focus on yourself, the easier detaching becomes.
Healthy ppl do think of themselves & don't sacrifice everything for an insatiable, greedy user. It is equally as difficult to be w/ a recovering A... when we see them slip, we tend to take it personally... A's & enablers are so different in our issues, IMHO, it is best to keep your recoveries seperate.
You deserve to have a wonderful vacation & not give your A a second thought, I know that is what everyone gently reminded me over & over again when I came back to Al-Anon ~ alcoholics/addicts don't consider you, live your own life, don't be concerned about them.
Even healthy ppl, will do what they want anyway ~ A's do the same, only much more extremely, they are more inconsiderate, unaccountable & not at all regretful for the pain they inflict on others.
Remember the 3 C's; only you can control yourself, change yourself & cure yourself. Hang in there, we have slips in our recovery too, like an ebb & flow of waves or the Bunny Hop a few forward, a few back.
Keep writing, we are here for you
Love, a friend in recovery, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can definite relate to having some positive outcomes from detaching. My A is very selfish, totally focused on himself, his needs, his friends, his family his, his his,his.
I have to work hard on detaching I find that helpful in not being sucked into being resentful. I also avoid the A a lot if I am angry at him. I do not engage in fighting anymore. That helps too.
I think the more we work the program the better it is.
Yep, getting caught up in their insanity is a no-win prospect, all right. They'll fail to come through for you nine times, and then the tenth time when they do come through, they are all surprised and hurt if you're not right there ready and waiting for them. My A was absent, either phyiscally or emotionally, for 20 years, yet now he is hurt - "It's like you don't need me". Well, duh, if I had needed you I would have been in pretty poor shape all those years you weren't around, wouldn't I?
I see lots of rays of hope in your post. You know what you need to do - let go, stop depending on her, stop going to the hardware store for bread, as we say. It's not too hard to understand that this is what we need to do, a little harder to actually do it, unfortunately. Think of the moment when you were just listening to a song that you liked, and not focusing on her - you can, with practice, get to a place where that is most of your day, instead of a brief moment now and then.
