(((family)))

AH and I have been getting along well.We got the refinance on the house,paid all the credit cards off and got some cash as well to use to finish the half done projects that would keep us from selling the house for a good price.

He is still talking to his online girlfriend.He doesn't call her his girlfriend anymore because she just wants to be friends,she says she is not interested in a relationship.He is still interested though so he won't let her go.On Sunday she permits him to call her at a certain time.Many times when he does she is not there or the line will be busy.He gets mad about that but...he still runs to call her.

Today I started watching an old black and white movie from the 40's.It's a really good movie.He came into the room and got interested in it and sat down to watch it.About 1/2 hour before it went off he asked me what time the movie ends.I brought up the display and it ended at exactly the time he is supposed to call her.He said, I can be late calling her.I said, that's up to you,shhh,I'm listening to this.He sat there another 10 minutes then jumped up and said "her wrongs don't make my right".He set the vcr to record the rest of the movie and left to go call her on time.( a while ago I had asked him to leave when he calls her,I didn't want to hear it,so he does) He justifies his "wrong" by making it appear to be the right thing to do.

I just shook my head.How can he not hate himself? Leaving his wife to call a woman he is chasing.A woman by the way with serious mental problems.She is on disability,lives with her parents at age 40 something.Has PTSD ( post traumatic stress disorder) and is an alcoholic.( recovering ).They fight all the time on the computer.But, he says, "she always takes me back".What a gal!...(his wife of 36 years would never do THAT!)

Thanks to Alanon,and you wonderful ppl at MIP,and HP, I am changing.I am letting things go,adjusting to the fact that I can't (won't) leave till the house is sold.I work my job,clean the house,watch my favorite shows,go to meetings.I am staying pretty sane,one day at a time.As I said, we are getting along.I still have my own bedroom and my own computer in it and a lock on the door which I use when I want to be alone.He goes to the grocery store with me.He is cutting the grass.( a job I hated and am glad to be rid of)He doesn't do as good a job as I did but I have let that go.We watch movies and tv together.Talk about what we are going to do next on the house,and what we are going to do with our lives when we separate.He will tell me about his meetings,his issues he is working on.We are like (sick) friends, I guesss.We laugh,drink coffee together,cook together,eat together.I guess my point is,why is he not trying his best to hang onto this?Not that I want him to I just don't understand why he doesn't see what he is losing.We seldom fight anymore.I think I have alanon to thank for that.He prefers a woman he can't even get along with on the computer.When he goes to call her(he goes to a lake about 3 miles from here) he is back in 1/2 hour.When he and I dated we would talk for hours and hours.My mom would get so upset about me hanging on the phone so long.

He has asked me several times to take him back.But he wants to stay friends with her.I do not trust that for one thing.The other thing is why would I take him back when I am obviously not valuable to him?In alanon they say watch the actions.He says he wants me back but he goes out to call her,runs to the computer to see if she has emailed him,is planning another trip to go see her.These are not the 'actions' of a man who wants ME back.

I know in his diseased thinking he tells himself,'she doesn't want me back,she says it's over,so what's wrong with me finding someone else?' There have been times that I might actually have taken him back,especially in the beginning.But every time he runs to call her,goes to see her, or plans it,talks to her online,he is betraying his own words.He does these things and then asks me to take him back.He absolutely cannot see that he is pushing me farther and farther away by his actions.He does not try to win me back.If he truly wanted me back he would show it by dropping her for real and not calling her.Making an effort to make me want him back.

Thanks for listening to my crazy life.Living with an alcoholic,even a sober one,is bizarre.I have earned the right to say that having grown up with them and been married to one for most of my life.

I look back over this post and I see alot more   "he's "  than " I's ".Am I focused on him again? I'd like to hear your thoughts,kind and loving friends.

love and hugs        d