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I know this is a hot button topic for a lot of people, so let me say off the bat I am not trying to hurt or offend anyone. I am trying to figure out what I am comfortable doing and the right way of doing it. I have made the decision that if my AH makes me feel threatened like the other night in any way I will call the police. Having made that decision and seeing my AH drinking at home for the first time in ten years, and then hearing him sneak his keys and beer out the door, start the car and drive off has me thinking on this topic. My biological father died in a drunk driving accident, not his normal behavior from what I understand, he made the decision that day and paid a heavy price for it, so did I. I understand the consequences very well. My fear is of course more for other people than for my AH. My concerns about making the calls are ...
1. Can it be done anonymously or a tip given that he does this even if I am not there to see him leave at a particular time? I am afraid at this point of his reaction.
2. I am unable to tell when he is intoxicated enough to break the law. The very last thing I would want to do is validate his drinking, I can hear it in my head already. I got pulled over and they couldn't do anything because I know when I can and when I can't, it doesn't effect me like it does other people yadda yadda yadda
3. The feeling of being disloyal in the pit of my stomach right now. I know this is my disease but it is there and pulling at me hard.
I don't know exactly what all my concerns are but if anyone can offer any ESH on their experiences with actually doing this, or their decision making on the subject I would appreciate it.
This is the conclusion that I came to, with the help of a lawyer and family friend.
First of all, I would have to police my husband's drinking, watch how many drinks he had, count the ounces, keep track of his weight, etc. to make sure that he had violated drunk driving laws...um...well...isn't that why I came to alanon in the first place? To stop that insanity of policing him and focusing on him? I had been there done that, keeping track of how much he drank, digging bottles out of the garbage with disposable gloves to count the ounces and confront him with it the next day...I did NOT want to go there again.
Secondly...as much as I don't like it...drinking and driving is NOT against the law...unless you have blood alcohol levels of .08 or higher (in my state) or are visibly impaired, which is a personal observation and subject to opinion. There is a certain amount that you have to drink, based on your body weight and length of time that you drink, and amount of food you have eaten while drinking for it to reach that concentration. So...here we go again...I would have to watch what he drank, how long it took him, what he ate with it, how much he weighs..etc...all what I came to alanon to learn NOT to do.
Thirdly...and this is the worst thing...
If you call the police and they stop him and he is OK as far as blood alcohol is concerned, both he and the police will be concerned as to whom made the call. The police have REAL impaired drunks to catch and don't take kindly to be sent on wild goose chases by whom they see as a vindictive girlfriends or spouses. That is what my lawyer friend told me. It is very difficult to make anonymous calls to the police, they will question you as to why you think the person is drunk, will ask you where they are headed, their license plate, etc. the police will likely ascertain who you are and if they stop your husband and he is not legally impaired...they may tell him who called them. The police have no obligation whatsoever to keep a bogus tip private and anonynmous...and your husband will likely ask them how they knew to stop him and where he would be and nothing has to stop him from telling him. And he will come home to you not too happy...
I came to the conclusion that trying to "help" my husband and help other people by calling the police on his drunk driving was merely another more sneaky way I was using to try and control him...I had forgotten the 3 C's.
Lots of people do things everyday driving that puts other people at risk. Cell phones cause as many if not more accidents as drunk drivers! I have read that lack of sleep impairs drivers as much as being drunk! I also know many people who continue to drive despite medication that cautions against driving while on them. If I am truly concerned about other's safety then I would need to turn in all of these people too! All of these activites are just as against the law as drunk driving and put other people just as much at risk. If I called the police on all of these people to, to be ethical, I would be turning people into the police every single day!
All I can do is not violate any of these laws myself, be a careful driver, not use cell phones while driving, and make sure I get enough sleep. In other words "keep my side of the street clean" and not try to control others.
Leave enforcement of drunk driving laws to the police, they are trained to spot impared drivers and DO.
Policing our alcholics, watching what they do, keeping track of their activites, legal or not, takes too much time from us and our children.
I have learned from alanon not to try to control or manipulate others. If someone else's activites truly bring me discomfort I can chose to distance myself from them, in the case of a spouse it would mean separation or divorce. Attempting to try and control their activities through police action does not strike me as progress in alanon...to learn to focus on me and MY recovery.
Jennifer, It seems you have made up your mind to take care of yourself, and that is the best news. You are so worth it!
I'm so glad you are a responsible person.
As to calling the police on allegedly drunk driver , AH, as you know, that is your choice. It's a terrible predicament for you. My experience is that I took the keys and threw them in the bushes one night, long ago, and I felt I saved either my A's life, or my car, or another person's life.
Whatever you do will be the right decision for you.
My sister and her 3 other girls were killed head on by a drunk driver.
She was 21 left a year old daugther and a shattered family.It was on my other sisters Birthday on March 19, 1986. yes and it still hurts.
You will not like my response and many will say dori why so harsh well i wonder if he had someone who could of took his keys called the police and my sister could of raised her daugther and be a part of my life.
the drunks usally dont die the innocent by standers do.
so in honor of my sister salome i say take the keys call the police and worry about the little conquences later.
I would take no chances by measuring how much he drank before driving, dividing that by his weight, etc. If a policeman smells liquor on your A's breath, that's it! He's busted! Open container, suspicion of driving impaired...they will figure out something that will stick. And remember the possible consequences; dori's sister and three friends were killed by a drunk driver! Would you like to have that worry on you? I certainly wouldn't. Also, if you are married to your A, then you are jointly responsible for whatever havoc he causes. Even if you are not married, if the car has your name on it...it's curtains for you. I know I don't have a few extra million to pass out in damage awards. To say nothing of never having another good night's sleep if someone is hurt or worse. Please don't chance it; not only for his sake and yours, but for the sake of the innocent victims that may be a result of his poor judgment.
With caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Isabela, I am beginning to understand the fine line of caring for myself and not focusing on my A. This is a difficult area to make decisions on. I appreciate the information you provided.
PW, thank you for the vote of confidence and for sharing your experience. Considering that my grass has not been mowed in quite a while I may not have to find a bush
((Dori)) Thank you for sharing your story with me, I'm sorry for the pain you have felt and feel still. I am grateful my father did not physically harm anyone besides himself. I was only 2 and do not remember the actual events, I know he was buried on my birthday and left behind a devastated family who blamed my Mom and I for his death even though we were not with him. It caused turmoil for years and I have never seen his family since then. I feel he watches out for me and helps me at times, as I am sure your sister must for her daughter too. If and when the oppurtunity presents itself to me I will be making the call in her honor.
Diva, Thank you for your no nonsense kind of style.
