The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and searching for support. My husband abuses to relieve a back injury that will always give him pain. I understand why he does this but it is still ruining our lives. We just recently had to refinance our home and almost lost our home due to his addiction. We live in a very small town so resources are limited and we both feel very lonely. He did find a psychologist who seemed to help but he quit going after about 5 visits and we had a really bad weekend -- you all know what I mean. I thought we were in the clear and this devestated me completely. Yes I believed all the lies about getting better -- I know he wants to but I seem to take it personally when he doesnt change. I feel like the kids and I should be more important and I wonder what we are doing wrong -- I know its not us but I cant seem to change my thinking. I work with teens wiith problems and have to laugh -- if they only knew!!! I feel so lonely here in a small town with so little resources -- of the right kind. There really isnt anyone I can talk to when he puts his guilt trips on me when I catch him doing things. I was relieved when I found this web site and found such good advice and want to thank you all for supporting each other and indirectly me.
Thank you all for such a great place to get support and to help me not feel so lonely.
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Never be content with someone elses definition of you.
Hi Zed, and welcome. You sound so very typical of one who doesn't quite understand that it is nothing to do with him/her or the children. Your husband is an addict. You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Remember that. Only he, when he decides the time is right, can make the decision to get the help he needs. If there is an Al Anon group whose meetings you can attend, please, by all means, do so. And keep coming back here for support and understanding. All of us are there or have been there, and keep in mind that if you continue to stay with this man, you can achieve peace, whether or not he abuses. It's not an easy thing to deal with...that's putting it mildly. But hang in there; see to yourself and your kids, and let his HP look after him.
Sincerely, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I just wanted to extend a warm welcome and say 'Well done' for posting. It takes courage to take that first step and put yourself out there. We were all new once. Glad you're here and hope you keep coming back.
You already recognise the need to change your thinking so in my humble opinion, you're off to a good start. In Al-Anon I heard 'change your thinking and change your world', I also thought 'How the heck do you do that?!' It was suggested I keep an open mind and as I attended meetings and read the literature I learned about the tools of the program and was given encouragement and support to apply them to my life. In time, I recognised changes within myself, noticed improvements in my significant relationships and the quality of my life also improved. I learnt how to take care of myself more appropriately and as I was happier and more fulfilled I had more to offer others.
Al-Anon helped me to understand the disease better and make more healthy choices in how I dealt with it. I was told that ''there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened''. This was true for me. There is help, hope and understanding here. I would recommend you try to attend face to face (f2f) meetings as well as those online. They often give out a Newcomers Pack of literature that I found really helpful. I have always been 'chatty' but had a few problems opening up in meetings at first; I felt shame and that somehow I was being disloyal to my husband 'airing our dirty laundry'. There was so much literature available that it became an important part of my recovery and in time I could share openly and honestly.
Finally, regarding the guilt; remember that when he tries to blame or lay it on you, you have a choice whether to take it on board or not. If you don't pick up the ball, you don't have to play the game. I don't want to overwhelm you with a babble of information so I'll just say you no longer have to be alone or afraid.
Welcome to MIP! The first thing I learned were the 3 C's. You did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it. But you can learn to cope.
I used to feel the same way. Why would he rather be at the bar with his loser friends than home with me? It isn't about you or your behavior. However, the more you learn here the better things get. Keep coming back. It works if you work it! And you are worth it!
