The material presented
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Well... I can, but it turns me wrong side out when it lets anyone down. I am the only one that looks at the money in my house. The demands for entertainment are high. In the past if I have said "that is a bit pricey for us right now", which is as close to saying no as I get on something like that, everyone flips and finds ways to beg, borrow or steal enough money to make it work.
That makes me totally insane and I am doing it to myself. That goes to the whole partnership thing in marriage. We both make money, we both have jobs, who am I to say we can do this and not that. Problem is that my AW is about as money consious as a 13 year old. If she has checks, she's not out of money. Until I started relating her unreasonablness to the A'ism I really thought I was being unreasonable to say no, or saying let's think about the consequenses of this.
I had to say no today to a big weekend at the coast for the 4th of july and I feel like dirt. The weekend would have cost over $1500, and I just can't believe we can't do something fun for half that. We have already been to the coast once this summer, to a lake house twice, and to another cabin get away with just me and AW. They are not housebound by my conservitiveness.
I will get over it, but it just blows me away how bad I feel about doing what I feel is the right thing. <sigh>
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
For me, saying "no" or say "I can't afford that right now" was like admitting I was a failure. As sick as this may sound, I'm kinda glad to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with that. June is always a tough month for me financially - with 12 birthdays in my immediate family (3 grandchildren, 2 daughters, 5 nieces/nephews, etc., plus Father's day) Even planning ahead and saving for it, I am still tight on my budget. Makes me have to say no to a few meals eating out, no to a movie with the girls and just gives me that icky feeling inside. Maybe is that the "people pleaser" in us???? Guess that means, I never get to graduate from Al-Anon huh?
Anyway, hope that you can find a happy medium plans for an enjoyable 4th without costing you a pretty penny,
Keep it Simple,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I always feel like the bad guy when I have to say no, esp. to my A. We live on a really tight budget and can't afford groceries some weeks. I have found that I have to stick to the budget i set and I know they get angry that we can't afford anything, but our bills are paid, there's gas in the car, grocereis in the fridge and I think that through the program we are learning an Attitude of Gratitude for what we do have.
I find that when people have to equate their happiness with being entertained they are most likely unhappy with themselves. Secondly, it's not your job to provide their happiness, especially if that's the only way they can find it. All the flipping out and begging is nothing more then manipulation.
I had to smile when you said you think you could find something to do for half of $1500.00. Our family usually goes to the park on the 4th and watch the fireworks over the river. We leave early, take a picnic dinner with us and find our spot with a blanket and lawn chairs in tow. Cost=$0 Quality family time=100%
Good luck Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I always had a hard time saying no to entertainment things because it seemed like if I kept him entertained especially expensively then it would be enough excitement to make up for the alcohol and drugs he was not supposed to be using. Combination of guilt and control I guess. I think part of it too was if my brain was entertained and busy then I would not have to notice all those things I did not want to see. When i made some changes in my life in order to feel better about myself, and to force myself into a situation where i could not afford to entertain him or bail him out of scrapes, I got to see the 10 year old child I am married to. I hope you have a great 4th no matter what you choose to do! Take care.
(((((rTX))))))) yup, this sounds familiar ... only my personal experience was one more a bit financially challenged. It is challenging, etc etc. Being told that by being responsible = being controlling, and all kinds of other guilt, blame, etc. The silver lining in this stressful fact situation for me was it was an opportunity to teach my kids a lesson about personal budgeting, the value of things that are for free, or low cost, and basically, what my values are. Whether I'm flush at the moment or not, the lesson remains the same for me. Take care ... and take what is helpful and leave the rest....
I can't say I'm the position to say "no" when it comes to monies, but I still feel guilty when I say "no" about other things ~ I think it is b/c we have put other first for so long, this new behavior makes us feel guilty as the A's are such magnificent manipulators... they want to drain us of our energy one way or another (a) they get want they want; (b) they at least get our emotions --> anxiety, guilt, fear, love, anger ~ so they continue to drain, control & manipulate us.
Besides, as you can see looking back, the financial demands for "fun" only become more & more extravagant. In my world, I can't fathom spending that kind of money for "fun" unless I had oodles to burn. I guess as an ACOA, I think about the kids, savings accounts, future unexpected expenditures & early retirement.
As much as I know the A's feed off of my guilt, even still, self-nurturing which is directly an issue I have within myself, makes me feel guilty at times & it is a matter of self-preservation (ridiculous) but all these years putting them b4 me - I do honestly struggle with it.
R, Take Care of YOU ~ playing marty only kills you (boy do I know) I think we are allowed to think of ourselves a little bit w/out it being a selfish thing ~ that IS what healthy people do. Think about it, even if we thought of ourselves (guilt-free) 50% of the time, we would still be considerate individuals & here I am having trouble getting passed 5% ((ggeeessshhh)). If she makes good money, she ought to be able to afford her own 'fun' since you carry the burden of all the responsible financial thinking.
Maybe my mind is too practical & conservative, financially speaking, as I'm not pulling in much income & concerned about my future. Being hurt physically ~ I would LOVE to retire right now.
Saying "no" like everything else takes practise & gets easier... & the feelings of guilt & the pull she's maintained on you for so long, also, will become like water off of your back. When I worked diligently on my own feelings of guilt, it worked, I slip into old thinking & it drags me right back to where I left off ~ like I owe the A's everything - it just isn't fair to me! None of us owe the A's every bit of our souls & they will relentlessly try to manipulate what they want from us.
Stay strong, hope you had a great weekend too!
Love, -K
-- Edited by kitty at 03:38, 2006-06-26
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
