The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, I've had a bit of a dillema going on in my head and wanted your es&h on it if you could.
I guess I'll start at, my husband works 4 ten hour days in a town 4 hours away and stays in that town m-th. When he comes home for the weekend, needless to say, our time together is precious. That being said, my husband is a sober member of AA and sponsors a few other members so when he has a newbie in need of help, our time together on the weekend often times gets riped in half. The kids and I might get friday morning, then in the evening he's at a meeting, staying after to help a newbie, sat, step work often happens then sunday he's busy doing all there is to do around the house that he didn't get to do while he's gone at work ect ect.
Let me say first of, that I adore my husband, and honestly love that he helps as many as he can, it makes me respect him and proud of him too. I understand the Fact that this work keeps him sober, working his own program and in touch with God. However, the problem lies in that I don't know how much "helping" is too much helping. How much of our time do we give to other members? I feel as though i'm stuck somewhere between being grateful that he's sober enough to help, then feeling like yeah, he's sober but so what he's never here anyway. I think it's the classic case of expectations on my part, i expected everything to be perfect if he just got sober back when, and of course it's not. SOBER stands for "S.O.B. Everything is Real" in this house! Once i got over that dahhhh moment, it seems to have turned into a more realistic form of it, where i want to know where to draw the line of how much time the kids and I do diserve with him if that makes since. Ahh haa moment again, writing sure does help to get though dont it? I think a hidden part of this is that i didn't speak up for myself before of what was ans wan't important to me, now i am but feel like i'm not suppose to with this one. Almost like that walking on eggshells feeling where i want him to know i support him and his program, but want some of him too.
anyway, let me know if any of you have been here before or have any es&h at all!
Congrats on your part in recognizing that your AH has to work his program to stay sober. That is a big step.
You didn't say how old the children were, but maybe it's time to get creative - explore your options - Your husband works out of town M-Th - Is there a chance you can take a little vacation and plan to spend a Tuesday night with him out of town - maybe just a nice simple dinner and a cosy evening "in" for the both of you? - Can you set a Saturday date night? The kids spend the night at friends and/or grandparents? I don't know all the details of everyone's schedules but think out side the box - One Saturday a month is a Family Night -
Even for my AH & I, all of our girls are grown, but with 4-5 AA meetings a week for him, 3 Al-Anon for me, both of us full time jobs, taking care of the house, our Moms, service work, we can still forget to schedule us time. Not that it's not important to either of us, we just get busy and forget . . .
So just try to be creative,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I think you answered part of your question yourself... heehee.... expectations... uh huh. Now here's a few thoughts I have. What is the purpose of recovery? To me, it is getting MY life back. I know for A's it is to remain sober, but isn't that also getting their life back? Now, what does my life consist of? What is important in my life? What comes first? I was raised with the idea that the priority of relationships goes: HP, spouse, family, friends, acquaintances. Perhaps a discussion together of what you both feel the priorities are? I know when I first started sponsoring I did that pendulum swing again... giving my time more to sponsee's than to my own family. Thankfully I saw the hurt it was causing in my family, and I now give them the priority first. They in turn understand when I need some time to speak with a sponsee, and are okay with that now that they get their time too. It can be a very delicate balancing act, but part of recovery, I believe, is doing what is best for ourself and our immediate family. We're not here to fix others, we're here to fix our own life. If we can share with others while doing what is best for ourself, well that's how it works. Of course, having said all this, I do think back to when I was new in recovery and I did need all that "selfish" time for me, and from what I've heard, A's need to do that too, to reach out to others. So again, back to discussion about expectations and priorities and what's important and needed right now. Remember too, compromise isn't a bad thing. There is give and take in a good relationship on both sides. Communication to understand what each is thinking/feeling is vital.
Well, thems my thoughts! Luv ya! Kis
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I have found that since my A and I bagn working a program at the same time we don't have as much time for each other and the children. I have to remind myself that the time we do have together is precious and of a better quality than it has ever been. Much of the time the addicts in the program bring their spouses to meetings, cook-outs, events...this helps. Our two year old goes to a few meetings a week but much of her time is spent with my M-I-L. Our son goes with us to every meeting and we do two to three meetings a day. One thing that gets drummed into their heads is that whatever they put before thier recovery they will lose. Recovery must come first. For us we apply the pronciples of recovery in every area of our lives. I have had to sit down with my husband and work our a schedule that on sertain days we do something together and for an hour every night we cut off our phones and communicate with each other. This has helped a great deal.
Truly understand the road to recovery,My hubby had to take his time and go to meetings and grow...As I did as well,my kids were in alateen.We went to different functions,like dances and picnics.We both got to talking to others and only had the drive home together and tired from the day.It lasted along time in our lives.Sponcering and coffee after meetings were the rutine for both.Now our children are grown.Finaly we make time for eachother.We raised 6 kids not much time alone.We make a spieal time to be with eachother today, like every few weekends we do something like camping in the summer and winter a romantic getaway.As I go back to the drinking days in my mind,I find gratitude those days are over.We have a few of our adult kids acctive.Hubby does not want to go to Alanon,But he sure tells them the stories before recovery.He helped my son inlaw with his past esh..Son in law has bin sober over a year now.When I was discouraged hubby gone often.I learned something that was so important to me.I was one that did most of the talking hubby more quite layed back.I learned to comunicate is one talking and the other listening...But the roles change I needed to listen as he shared as well.Once we worked this with eachother we were able to make plains for eachother.Sometimes I think one can get into a rutine rutt.So today I share my feelings and listen to hubby much better.You recieved great suggestions best wishes on your road to recovery.love Sharon/angel123
I'm in a similar situation. I've heard it referred to as the 'AA Widow Syndrome'. I suffer from a debilitating medical condition and my A works six eleven/twelve hour days and usually half of Saturday too. He just about has time to eat or shower before getting to a local meeting. At the moment we need the money and as I am unable to contribute financially I feel it would be unreasonable to complain. However, I feel like we orbit round each other rather than live with each other and I would so like us to have more time together, this I have shared. We seem to have problems working on time-management together as we can't even seem to find the time to communicate. Things just 'crop up'. I know it needs to be a joint effort to be maintainable. We keep coming up with half-cocked plans that aren't realistic so I don't suggest you do it that way! lol Fortunately, others have suggested some great ideas which I will try to implement too. Where there's Gods will, there's a way.
Our lives are becoming unmanageable as a result of not prioritising. Initially, I was working "Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires." However, I have come to realise that this situation can't continue indefinitely and we need to put some structures in place. I think it's about re-evaluating and trying to find a balance. I think communication and compromise are essential. I am very grateful that we're no longer dealing with active alcoholism and I know that we would not even be together today if it were not for the Fellowships. In the meantime I can only trust that everything happens for a reason and that this is just another part of our journey. I hope this helps in some way.
This is my situation. Maybe it will help. Some of us were talking about this after a meeting. My AH is sober and is not in a program. His MO is being a workaholic and feels obligated to help other people. Although we are not living together, this was an issue for me for years. Work always came first because that he said that was how he was raised. He could easily cancel a family function but NEVER cancel a work function. It was always easier to help someone else because he was not so close to them emotionally. And he said that he received more validation from others then at home. It was like my H was preprogrammed from his family of origin. So I shed alot of tears. But I learned to ask him for what I needed directly and if he said yes fine, if he said no we went ahead with the family function.
I don't think there is one thing wrong with wanting family time with hub...afterall he is gone 4 out of 7 days a week...that must be difficult...
I can also understand the fact of him helping others.....you should just try and talk to him and say, we need some of your attention around the house....
Maybe, we miss you might help.....we love you and just want to spend some time with you......that is not too much to ask trina.
How much time do we give to members? wellll as much as it takes to keep them all sober is my guess. Have u sharred with your husb how your feeling about his time away from the family , in a loving way ?
I have occasionally found myself in thesame position with sponcees and had to learn to set boundaries with them too so I understand your husb dilema.
This too shall pass sounds a little trite I know , but it will. and mastiff you know how to make yourself happy just focus on that and u will feel better . You and your children have the gift of a sber husband and daddy. enjoy !!!!!!!!
