The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I believe that our HP does have a plan for us. I can relate this to a spouse, bf or gf of an A. My problem comes in when I try to relate it to my child. As a spouse, bf or gf you can one day ,hopefully, have a better life without the A in your life. (I did) However, if you are the parent, child, sibling...how can there be something better to come? My life certainly became better when the AH was out of my life. I remarried a wonderful man that took care of me and my son. I have to say that now that my son is a grown man with his own Asim issues, that it was not better for him. The abandoment issues are always going to be with him. So, yes, HP did have something better for me. What about my child?
As I previewed this posting I realized that I am not in control of my son's HP's plan for him. I grew up with a A father. I have issues of my own. Without these issues in my life I would never had a reason to get closer to HP. I guess I can only rationalize this by my faith growing stronger in HP to take care of me.
Gailey.. Your main question is: What about my child?
That's the million dollar question ..the "why's" in our lives. We'll probably never know the big plan while we walk this earth.
You did say: I remarried a wonderful man that took care of me and my son. Had you stayed with your son's Father there may have been many more issues beyond abandonmen for him to work throught. It appears HP did send someone in to his life to provide a Father image.
I married my current husband (who is an A) when my daughters were 10 and 12. That was almost 20 yrs ago. Their biological Father got away with not paying support, not providing anything, although he did keep in contact with them. My husband raised them, in every way.. plus paid support on his two children.
When my oldest daughter got married, it was my A that she asked to walk her down the aisle. Being a biological Father is just a label. It takes someone special to be a Dad. I also was raised by a stepfather. As a teen I would get mad at him and imagine I was going to run away to my "real Dad". Funny thing is..I've never met him..lol He left when I was 2, I don't remember him at all. I have a Dad, it's the man who raised me. I have no idea if my biological Father is dead or alive. I don't really care. It used to be just an imagined relationship. God bless my stepdad, when I said "I'm going to find my real Dad"! He never reacted, never once said "He doesn't want or care for you." He must have thought I was an ungrateful brat. As an adult I've let my Stepdad know that HE is my Dad and always will be.
None of our lives are perfect, everyone has issues. The key is to work on them and understand them. Hopefully your son will one day come to realize that the abandonment is really not about him at all. I found that my biological father has been married 2 more times and has no contact with any of his children. His actions certainly aren't about me. Personally, I wouldn't want to meet him if I could. He has nothing to offer that I need.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 09:59, 2006-06-23
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Detaching from an adult child is a very difficult concept. I don't think I could have done that first in my recovery. Recovery started for me because of an AH, after about 2 years in the program then we started deal with our daughter's addiction.
She has two children that we have had limited contact with, missed birthdays, holidays, etc. She has been in abusive relationships, homeless, in trouble with the law. All those nightmares that you never want your children to experience. But we had to set boundaries. We had to say "no" when she want to come live with us. Neither my AH or I could have the lifestyle back in our home. We had worked to hard to get it healthy to go back. Without the support of our recovery groups, sponsors, and each other we would have never been able to do this. My AH tried several times to get her into treatment, offered everything possible to her. She had every excuse in the world. So we finally stopped all contact with her for about 3 months.
Last week, I went to visit her for family week at a treatment center. She went to treatment on her own. She was suppose to be discharged yesterday. As of 11:00 today, we have not heard from her. Don't know if she got out, if she is doing ok or not - it's tough but it is her story not mine. Now to make sure that I stay in that serene state of mine, I keep the focus on me, go to as many meetings as possible, stay in service work, keep in touch with my sponsor, work with my sponsees, etc.
Just my E,S, & H, - Hope it helps you,
Keep coming back - it works if you work it,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
