The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I notice in reading many of the posts some of you have chosen absolutely no contact with your A's. No phone calls, no face to face visits. Even tho you have made a conscious choice for no contact, you still talk about missing your A's and resisting the temptation to call. Why do you chose no contact instead of limited contact?
I am faced with that decision with my AH. Even tho he walked out a year ago, he keeps popping in. He comes and goes. We have gotten together many times because of our sons. When we focus on their issues as parents it goes fairly well but when we deal with our relationship it goes poorly. I think it takes two to have a bad relationship but I don't have any self control with my A. He doesn't drink but he uses all the tricks of getting a response out of me. I am a love addict and focus way too much on him and make him way too important. I can't seem to set very good boundaries when I am around him. When we are together I don't even recognize him. Or I have been in such denial that I failed to see him the way he really is.
I am comtemplating going cold turkey with this man. It has already been difficult being separated. I am lonely and cry and generally feel sorry for myself. But I realize that I let my H treat me poorly. Even tho I am powerless over his disease and my love addiction, I wonder if I should have no contact until something changes. And the change should really be in me. What do you think?
I know that there was a period of time when hubby and I had no contact. He needed to do what he needed as did I. The time and space from him, although short (several months last year) was what I needed to begin healing. While I missed him, frankly I didn't want to deal with "his" issues. Granted we don't have children and that made things less complicated. But for me, time and space enabled me to gain some perspective by stepping away from for a while.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It is only you can decide.It is like a achcholic I know i cant spell. ha .it is like the achcholic they cant take a drink for me no contact is the only way to totally let go.
I don't know if there is a definitive answer, but in my experience, keeping "occasional" contact and relationship with an active A is akin to being "partially pregnant". It certainly held me back from establishing clear boundaries, and kept me stuck in a situation that was completely unhealthy, for a lot longer period than was necessary. In our weakened emotional state, and typically longing for the "good parts of the A" that we have been missing, we also have a tendency to start looking at them through 'rose colored glasses', and ignore some of the reality of who or what they are today.
Just my two cents.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
