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Well....after getting all bent out of shape yesterday over my A's desire to put our money into his car instead of overdue bills....things just went downhill.
The sale of the boat didn't go through, so there isn't enough money to worry about!!!!
But, last night I had my weekly golf outing with daughter in law and sis in law. We were midway through when a golf pro stopped us and wanted to play with us. None of objected, but after a few disruptive holes, they he and we were glad. We are beginners, and it's just a pleasurable evening of exercise for us.
Anyway, knowing my A is very jealous (without reason), I became very agitated during this period when the pro was with us. As soon as I got home, I told my A I had a terrible game, and about the pro joining us. He said, "I wondered how long it would take for this to start", (indicating I was out looking or flirting with others". He clammed up for the rest of the evening, and til he left for work (finally) this am. Did kiss me and say goodbye, as if it were over.
Good point: I did not react....period. Went to sleep, got up, etc...no reaction.
By the way, part of my "punishment" was that he got up before me and fixed his own lunch...duh, I hope I'm punished more often.
The comment from someone in my last post, "What's in it for me?" keeps running through my mind. He hasn't drunk for 2 years, 2 months, and though he has started acting human again in some respects, I don't know if I'll live long enough to get this all worked through.
Should I just leave again....didn't work before, I came back. He hasn't drunk anything, but a more selfish and miserable person has never walked the earth, I'm sure.
My choices are to bend to his every wish, or live with him being angry at me or surly~or to leave again. It would be pointless ???? to leave until I get myself into a position where I would stay gone. I've came back too many times.
I support myself .... he's always complaining I don't work hard enough!!! I finally started a journal showing how much (moneywise) I make each day, and document which days he works and what he does. Just for my own sanity.
In a week !!!! I'll be leaving for a two week business trip. As it stands now, my A will stay home, to work for our business, and a few odd jobs elsewhere, and hopefully, to repair our rental so we can get that income coming in again. I just have my fingers crossed that he doesn't decide to go with me. I told him I will not travel alone if he continues to accuse me of being out flirting and looking for another man. (Why on earth would I want another?) It was wrong of me to set that boundary, as I would actually PAY him to stay home while I leave. Working 12 to 14 hours a day is like a vacation from him. I am not in any way flirty...am usually very quiet until I know people. I'm middle aged, and he has no reason for his jealousy. He's even jealous of my private conversations with our 3 children.
I dread the moment he comes home...I love it that he plays golf 3 times a week. The question is "CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED"? The other question is "WHY WOULD I WANT IT TO BE SAVED".
Sometimes, I think that I'm just waiting to die.
Any input out there...I feel like I'm once again at a crossroads.
genie, I had to reply, even just to acknowledge your pain. I know it can be a terrible time for you. I don't know if he's working a 12step programme or not, but I do know that there can be an awful lot of confusion in the mind of a recovering A. The negativity...irritability, selfishness etc are all indicators of this. His controlling behaviour is also indicative of his addiction luring its head. I wonder how much real work he has done towards his own recovery. This ofcourse is his own responsibility. I tried so much with my magic wand to crack this one...couldn't manage it though!! You deserve happiness for you and your children...and I hope you find the strength to make the choices that are right for you.
My sincere apologies for my comments yesterday. I didn't mean to upset you if I did. I don't I ever got that worked up over a post but when I read about the boat and the bill collectors and how this disease takes over a persons mind....it brought me back to my marriage and how selfish my ex-A was and how I was. I protected him way to much when I shouldn't have. Sorry I couldn't see through the sarcasm......I guess I was talking to myself yesterday...ha!
Anyway, I can totally understand what you are going through and how you feel when he's not there....free! I never wanted my A around but when he wasn't around I would get irritated that he wasn't doing anything at the house....hm...it was a lose lose situation but I felt most comfortable when he wasn't around I guess....The point is that he wasn't willing to change so I didn't want him around because he was a sick person regardless if he was drinking or not. He wasn't getting help and was miserable both ways. Through your post I am only going to assume that your A is not getting help so I am just going to assume that the same games are only being played again even though he is not drinking....You should enjoy playing golf with the pro and your recovering A should know that is wasn't an attempt to flirt but to just enjoy life and that's it but the same games are still being played and that is where you might feel that you don't really want him around to keep some sanity huh!! Well good for you that you didn't react...the program taught me to always respond and to never react because reacting is what the A does..
For me it is about what more am I going to put up with. I mean AH number one was abusive. Both verbally and physically. So I ran from that relationship losing everything into the arms of AH number 2. He cheated on me constantly and ran our credit cards up to $60K shopping with his girlfriend of the moment. I had to file for divorce and bankruptcy due to the compiling debt. He left town and basically got off scott free. I spent the next 7 years working 2 jobs to make ends meet. Funny he wanted me back after the 7 year bankruptcy time line was up! Then came Addict and Alcoholic boyfriend (i refused to marry him)who took over my life amd played games with my emotions for years. He finally got sober after we broke up. Then came AH #3. I had a baby with this one and was so desperate for love I did not notice he was an A or that he had brain damage until 3 months after the baby was born.
See the pattern here? It was me who was the sick one or I would not have made these choices. It wasn't until I found myself caught up in the mess of another alcoholic marriage that I finally gave in and went to a f2f meeting. It took awhile to sink in..however as soon as I started getting busy working on ME things got better. You cannot cure an A. You are not the cause of it either! He is jealous because of his insecurities! A well adjusted man would be glad you got out and were able to play with a pro. Drinking is just a symptom of alcoholism. My last BF was a dry drunk. It was all about him and every conflict was my fault. I had to cut him loose. Sometimes you have to do what is best for yourself. If you can support him and your kids how can you not be able to do it alone? I mean examine what it is you get out of this relationship? For me it was that my focus was always on another's bad behavior. I did not have to see my part in it. My dad was an A. It is all I knew. The chaos was the attraction. My subconcious mind pulls me to the person who feels familiar. My sister told me once. Ya know that feeling when you meet a guy and it feels like you have known them forever? Like you can finish each others sentences and he makes you feel complete? I said yes! I love that! She said RUN! Run like hell! That is the abusive A that you want to avoid.
I know this is hard and I know that it hurts. I cried more over these men and the loss of the relationships. But every single one of them my gut told me to watch out. Now I listen to my gut! That is my little voice of reason crying out trying to save me from myself! I mean I wasted 25 years oif my life chasing after A's trying to save them and protect them. For what? Now I am a single mom and alone. Well Boo Hoo for me! I would rather be alone than be involved with another loser who won't work and won't help themselves. I deserve better than that and I know you do to. Put the focus on you and not on him. Get a courage to change book and read the daily readings and go to 6 f2f meetings. Al-anon promises if it doesn't work...they will refund your misery. When you change your behavior the family life improves.
Hi Geni , I would like to share with you a little story that finally made me understand that no matter what we do the alcoholic drinking or not will ever be happy. yu said u could continue to be at his beck and call and do everything he wanted orrrrrrrr. hope u see the humor in this as I did.
One morning the A husb asked his wife to cook him breakfast , she replied what would u like?He said two eggs one fried and on poached. She prepared the breakfast as requested and placed it in front of him . He became enraged and pushed it aside exclaiming "You fried the wrong damn egg" and stormed off . Please yourself someone told me at least that way one of u will be happy.
Your living with a dry drunk , nothing has changed except he no longer drinks. Everything our program teaches us works sober or not the purpose is to make our lives happier it has nothing to do with him. so work it. I learned here that they need us alot m ore than we need them and i believe that a part of them knows that. that was not about control for me and I never sharred that info with him unfortunatley most of us think we ar weak and cannot live with out them when in some cases we support them financially but just dont think of those things.
I chose to stay in my marriage and get happy regardless of what he was doing - I have never been sorry i stayed (well maybe a day or two ) hehe This program works I hope u are going to meetings for yourself cause for me drunk or sober he is still an A and I still react to him. Al-Anon is for and about me and it works. We have 17 yrs sobriety in our home and because of these programs we are able to live in serenity most of the time. good luck take care of you.
It sounds like your A is a lot like mine, the only difference is that he isn't drinking at this time. Mine continues to drink whether I like it or not. Mine is a very selfish, miserable person who complains about everything, but yet accuses me of "throwing things back in his face" if I even question one little thing. Mine is also jealous, but he holds that in. He is the one with other girl's numbers programmed into his cell phone. He hangs out with other girls in bars while I'm with my son. I love him when he's sober for the most part, but even that is dying little by little.
I have the same questions as you. Why do I continue this? I have left in the middle of the night to get away from him, but it is my house and I come back. I want to kick him out, but I know I can't afford the house payment on my own.
I'm in the same boat as you. I hope you can find some answers. I'm struggling to figure this all out.
I am to sorry for all your pain and some one told me in the middle of my caos relationship .She said when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will do some thing new.
I don't I ever got that worked up over a post but when I read about the boat and the bill collectors and how this disease takes over a persons mind....it brought me back to my marriage and how selfish my ex-A was and how I was. I protected him way to much when I shouldn't have. Sorry I couldn't see through the sarcasm......I guess I was talking to myself yesterday...ha!