The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm losing it...and I'd been doing so well. I guess when things are going okay, I think I don't have to work my program...especially the "being good to myself" part, and then it all slides downhill.
I looked back over my own posts, and it seems like I have this recording that is broken...isn't there something in our program about "if you do what you always did, you'll get what you always get????" Well, that's me again. Here goes:
I'm readying for a major contract, or a series of them...up at 6, fix my A's lunch and coffee, carry and fetch til he leaves, then work til 5 pm. He has days off, and is currently golfing for the 3rd time this week.
The bills are overdue, taxes behind...and two checks came in yesterday...TWO!!! I got all excited....I need bleach, cleansers, food, the propane bill is $600 overdue, and I desperately need business supplies before my busy season ahead....I'm overdue for the doctor and haven't had my glasses prescription updated for 10 years.....so?
He needs $1000 to soup up his car.
And, one of the checks was for the sale of his bass boat, so of course he deserves to spend it as he sees fit....and I should not spend any for the business (that supports him) because I need to pay the bills, so the creditors don't call him on his cell phone.
I need a change...THIS WAS THE FINANCIAL BREAKING POINT...especially since Mon and today he was unable to work outside, and chose to golf instead of working our business...guess I should say MY BUSINESS, as he isn't participating anymore.
Someone said they set their bills up on Excel to point out to their A how things stand...any suggestions???? I'll go there and see what I can do...I don't even know what I owe, just that I have one credit card that is somewhat current, and everything else is awful!!!!
But, if I'm going to do it alone, then it will be alone....in other phases, my dry drunk if starting to come around to a human being again (after 2 years), but I can only give so much of myself....I need some rest, laughter and relaxation...
I am a little confused. Did you say that the check for the boat is his? And also did you say that you don't want anyone calling him about past due bills? I don't want to be critical here but I guess if I am hearing this right...it's really time for him to see the big picture and be involved with all this worry too! He needs to see that his car is the last thing on the list to be dealt with especially since it's a luxury. Your idea to get a spreadsheet is perfect so that you can lay everything out to show him....and also so that you know too!
Know that you don't have to struggle with this on your own and he too should be a part of this.
If it was me and he spent a grand to soup up his car he would be then living in it. Carry and fetch so he can play golf? Why should he help with the business? You are doing it all for him. I do not mean to be critical either but come on! Let the creditors call him! Give them his number and you go take a nap! My question for you is...what do you get out of this deal?
someone once told me you get treated the way you want to be treated.it made me furious but it made me look at what i was doing and why .i changed my behaviour.
He has it made you pick up all the pieces .When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will stop.
I can absolutely relate to you post. When I was faced with the need to financially detach from my AH in order to restore my own sanity it was an extremely overwhelming thought. So I took really little baby steps. I let go of one thing at a time that did not have my name on it. If it did not have my name on it and I had no moral obligation to pay the bill... then I did not pay it. ie, his motorcycle payment, credit cards that were in his name, medical bills etc. I also took his name off of any credit cards that I was the primary on, and likewise took my name off of any that he was the primary on. I am now left with what do I need to pay, with or without him. This is an absolute work in progress, but as I was able to detach little by little, I began to feel better, I began to restore my sanity.
I have a very loving sponsor, who has had me repeatedly read pages on Tradition Seven.
"Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, decilining outside contributions" The traditions are there not just for the group but to "use in all of our affairs"
I also put all of the bills onto a spread sheet and looked at what was coming in/going out. What did I need to save for etc. Well, out was more that in, but at least I am not in denial about it anymore. I can't fix what I do not know is wrong.
Well, it does appear that things have slid downhill. I know what you mean about how the a expects everything to be for and about him. They all do so make it about you, he won't. Be strong and keep coming back, I miss you!
Thanks to all for your response...don't know how you even read it...I was so incoherent yesterday...fuming.
March...I was being sarcastic about the HIS...and he didn't want them calling him.
The boat sale fell through anyway (sigh)...at least I could have paid a few more bills.
Gailey...thank you...I pm'ed my e mail to you and would appreciate a sample of how you've set your spreadsheet up...I pulled up my microsoft money yesterday and spent a lot of time entering info...but the spreadsheet would probably be easier.
I feel good today that at least I'm taking the baby step of laying all the info out to share with him.
Hi, and thanks...I have no earthly clue at this point what I'm getting out of this deal. Needless to say, I'm at a breaking point. Your post made me sit a while and think about that aspect of the situation. Life is way too short to keep on the way I am going. Thank you for helping me to pause and think about my end of the deal.
I'm so glad you're back...you always cut right to the heart of the matter.
Yes...I'm SICK AND TIRED...but now how do I change it????? Leave???? Been there, done that! Wish I'd stayed gone HA!
My goal when I returned 2 years and 2 months ago was to work on ME...figuring I needed to help myself in the situation, instead of running from it. Looking back, there has been progress in the ME situation, but I feel like every time I stop a leak, another one pops up!!!!
Yes, I allow myself to be treated poorly...wish I knew why. I, too, am one of God's wonderful creations...right? I walk around the yard to make sure I don't accidently step on one of the baby wrens learning to fly...why can't I treat myself that well????
I'm "CONFUSED" too....today's a better day, so far, for me!
I've started to "spreadsheet" idea...a baby step!
Thanks for the quote "I can't fix what I do not know is wrong"....well, I'm finding out what is wrong here, and maybe with enough steps I can fix it.
I have my own business account, without his name, and credit cards...so I think that I'll do as you say and take care of those obligations first. When I left him a couple of years ago, that's how I was able to do so, by paying mine off, so I had my own available money. I think it's time to do that again.
