The material presented
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level.
I'm sorry to say I rarely post here but do read all of your thoughts and experiences and they help me so much. I do go to alanon meetings every week also and am doing my best to work the program and feel better. However, for the past month or so I have been crying every day, even at work and even in my sleep at night and it's really worrying me (about me). I am overwhelmed with sadness over my 31 year old son, my "AS"
He is in prison due to the consequences of his addiction but not for anything violent or for any harm he did to anyone but himself. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the remark that at least I know where he is and he is safe there. On the contrary the prison he is at currently has about 6 ex-guards convicted for killing one of the inmates there. This happened before he got there so I'm not worried about this happening again after all of the publicity, however, he is not in a good place and they are very overcrowded and there are some really mean guys in there. He was attacked by one of the other inmates that is at least twice his size and got beat up pretty badly. He did fight back in self defense and ended up putting this guy in the hospital. He's not in any trouble for this as he didn't throw the first punch and had no choice.
Anyway, as a Mom even with knowing he is living the consequences of his own actions and knowing there is nothing at all that I can do I still worry daily. I am too overwhelmed with sadness for him and having a very hard time trying to deal with it. Therefore I cry every day. Maybe it's good that I do - maybe if I didn't cry I'd go nuts. I wish I knew how to deal with the hurt that goes along with loving someone so much with this disease.
As I read your post, I had tears in my eyes. I can feel your pain and I do understand it, to a huge degree. My 31 year old son was in jail last year for about 3 months. He had been in jail a couple of times prior to that for shorter periods of time. He is on probation and had violated the terms of his probation. Then he relapsed and was arrested and was in posession of his drug of choice. Like your son, he was not violant and had not and was not harming anyone but himself, but still breaking the law, none the less. He has a court case pending on July 19 and if things don't go well, he could still go to prison. He has been in rehab and is working his recovery and doing very well. I don't know whether that will make a difference for him or not, but I pray it will or he will be in the same situation your son is in. I am trying not to dwell on that and am trying very hard to trust that it will work out the way it is supposed to for him. In the meantime, I can know I have to take care of m. But, I am feeling the pain of it all, the hurt of it all, the fear of it all. I know what it feels like to love the addict, my child, so much that I hurt for him and with him. I feel your pain. I, though, do know that as long as you walk in that pain, you will get sick, both mentally, physically and spiritually. It is just not healthy. I have been there and still am there, needing encouragement. But, I am also getting better with the help of my alanon friends and my HP. I am taking it one day at a time, one minute at a time, some days. I know it isn't easy and I know the struggle you are feeling. Please try coming to the chat room and the online meetings. The compassion there is amazing and so comforting. Just know that you are not alone and you can get and feel better. The tears are only healthy to a point. Then they begin to keep you down. Please just know that you can and will get better. You love your son, just as I love mine, but we can be of no help to them or to ourselves if we are so sick that we can't find peace and serenity. Please trust your HP and turn to him. Again, I encourage you to come to the mip room and join in the caring atomsphere found there.
I want you to know that you are in my prayers and I do care. Hang in there for YOU!
I can never truly feel that my loved ones are safe until I give them to my HP - I imagine them as babies wrapped up in their favorite blankee snuggled in my HP's lap or in the case of my step-daughter who was 14 when she came into my life, I picture her in her favorite shirt, taking her hand from mine and placing it in my HP's hand; or my AH going fishing with HP for the day. For me, that is the only safe place. So I leave them there, so I can try to rest for the night, and in the morning I give them to HP again so that I can work or do whatever I need to do for the day -
There is Hope for Today,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Rita, that is a wonderful idea. I pray for their HP to look over them but to actually imagine it may help me find it easier to actually let go. Thank you
I read your post my heart felt it with you.I have never been in those shoes but I do know pain.The best was to grt though it to make sure you are going to meetings post here and on line meetings have a sponsor and call your alanon friends when it is to much.
Know that your hp ,God loves your child even more then you can he is able to things for your child you cant .It is hard to let go and trust but ask your hp to do for you what you cant do for yourself .it is amazing the power in prayers from a parent for a child keep it up..
let us know how he is doing we do care you are not alone.
I did the same as Rita, although a different situation. My husband was in the hospital near death and in renal failure.
After the Dr. told me the next 24 hrs would tell whether he would survive or not. I stood there in shock never expecting to hear those words. It took me a few minutes to digest that I could very well be a widow at that time the next day.
I walked outside the hosp. doors. It was a cold clear Feb. night. No one was there but me and my higher power. I put my husband in HP's hands and said that I would accept the outcome because for sure my HP knew what he was doing. I can't tell you
I came home, sobbed uncontrollably, took a hot bath, let it all out, then went in to the chatroom here and survived the night with my many caring friends that stayed up with me until the wee hrs of the morning.. Normally, I would have sat vigil at his bedside but not only was I exhausted, I had wrenched my back and just couldn't stay any longer. I knew my husband was in HP's hands and I needed to take care of me too.
When you truly give up the control (which you don't have anyway) and place our loved ones where they belong....there is peace within. I figured HP was tired of hearing the same old thing from me anyway :)
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I had to stop and offer you some hugs ((((((((april))))))))
My son is 27 and in prison until Oct, for the same reason as yours. I know exactly what you are going through. It helped me to remember that as much as I love my son/a that God loves him more and will protect him. It is the best thing you can do for yourself and him, turn him over to God. He will take care of him, He knows where he is and won't forget him. He will take care of you too.
Don't forget to take care of you too. It is really, really important. Keep coming here, keep posting, go to the chat room, It really helps. Do what you have to do to relax a little bit, it is not good for you.
I would just like to offer my understanding and a hug.....I can not imagine the pain you are going thru...as a mom I reach out to you with love and compassion.....
My AH is in prison too for multiple DUIs. It is so hard isn't it? Please feel free to PM me any time. I so understand what you are going thru.
I just got a letter today (he is in reception, no phones) telling me about a hit on a guy in his dorm last week and the guards had to break out the pepper spray, to break up the fight. My AH has 10 points and for some reason they put him in a dorm with guys with 150 points and up.
Needless to say, I immediately called his counselor. The counselor told me "he is safe,dont worry" I dont feel like he is.
Anyway, the point is that, I did all I could. He is in God's hands. I write him everyday. I pray for him like crazy. I send him happy thoughts in my head (who knows, maybe he gets them) but there is so NOTHING i can do for him in there. I am as powerless as it gets, which only leaves me with one answer, focus on me and my recovery.
At least I know this: the healthier the people in his life get in Al anon, the better chance he has of getting and staying sober. He actually learned that in rehab once upon a time. So I try and work on myself as much as I can.
I dont know if any of that is helpful, but know that you are NOT ALONE and like I said, pleaase PM me if you ever want. And posting here really helps me so much so i hope you keep posting too.
) but there is so NOTHING i can do for him in there. I am as powerless as it gets, which only leaves me with one answer, focus on me and my recovery.