Totally Devastated - Al-Anon Family Group

LALA1 · Member

Totally Devastated

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((LaLa))))

I am so sorry you are going through that. I don't know your husband, but for my AW she had an affair just about the time the drinking went really out of control. About 6 years ago. We did reconsile after a few months, but you know... after talking it out she had an affair with somone she didn't have to pretend she didn't have a problem with. He was an A too.

I think for her, she felt so guilty about letting go to the disease, that she was looking for anyone to tell her she was ok when she knew she wasn't.

Many of us have been there and it is totally shocking. Seems to be on the short list of things A's do. Drink, lie, blame, steal and cheat.

No magic words, but keep posting. Find a meeting if you can or hop into chat, and do something for yourself. You deserve it.

Take care of you!

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((Lala))))))))))))),

When my A was in his most active state, he unfortunately did the same. He didn't like it, and when I confessed to him that I knew, he was ashamed. Unfortunately it's not uncommon. It doesn't make it hurt any less.

Hubby is now 30 days sober , and I have put that behind me. Not easy, but I know it wasn't the man I married. But I remind myself, that he is getting better, and the love we had is still there. The active hubby and the sober hubby are completely different. I love my sober hubby so much more.

There is nothing I can say that will take away the pain. But please keep coming back to us, and realize that you are not alone in this. Be good to yourself. You deserve it.

Live strong,

Karilynn

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi (((((lala)))))

My ex had affairs as well, both before and after she got into AA. I know how you are feeling inside and all of the self questioning you are doing.

You said you keep wondering what you did to deserve this. I did the same. I learned in al-anon the answer to that ..... I did nothing to deserve that. It was not about me at all. She made that choice, she owns that issue..not me. We don't cause them to cheat any more than we cause them to drink.

My ex also admitted to it being wrong, but really didnt "own" up to it in full. Trying to make excuses for the behavior and to lay some of it at my feet too. And before al-anon I just went right ahead and picked that stuff up and tried to own it too. Even apologized once for doing things that "made" it necessary for her to have an affair. I know now that was a load of crap. They do it. We dont make them.

And is NOT about us. Doesnt matter what we look like, doesnt matter how we treat them. They are gonna do, what they are gonna do.

Take care of yourself Lala, you are not alone.

Yours in Recovery,
David

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

i remember so well that feeling of being completely shattered when i found out about my husband's affair.it was an affair as he said he had feelings for her and it went on for some time before and after i found out. we seperated and i felt like i had lost my arm or something. i couldn't move at times. but it did get better. when he finally went to rehab a year later and another affair he got some perspective on why it might have happened. and actually the why's were very helpful to me. he is bipolar 1 also. but in the end it doesn't matter. i had to own the feelings and deal with them any way i could. once i realized the feelings were mine and i could do with them what i wanted to do i felt a little more in control of me. i took things slow. it was the hardest thing i had ever gone thru at the time. but i made it and so will you. use this program it will get you thru. talk about it at meetings. i felt such huge comfort and relief when i would say it at a meeting and someone else had been in the same situation. you are not alone and you will get thru this. what he did has nothing to do with you as a person. you have choices and you can choose to keep going. someone in a meeting said "when you're going thru hell keep going" much love

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

LaLa,

Sorry to hear your pain. I agree with the others - You did nothing to deserve this - It is all about him and his disease - nothing to do with you.

Be especially good to you during of trying to heal from hurt.

Rita

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
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Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry this had to happen to you, I've been there to. There are no words, I know, that can take away your pain. For me it didn't get better with time, things just changed. Sadly, this happens much too often and causes so much pain. I'm sure he will have his regrets.

Don't forget you're not alone

Be kind to yourself

dori · Senior Member

Lala,

I am sorry for your pain and I know it doesnt seem like the pain will stop but it will.

My ex a in my life did the same thing but I caught him with someone he met in AA and I let him go and to this day still with her.Now he is her problem still doing the ole same stuff.

So I count my self blessed to be done with it .

Men or women cheat and it doesnt have any thing to do with you.Not because you are not pretty enough or didnt do this or that.I ask my ex AA why he did it and he said because I can that woke me up and I left him for good.

I am sorry for your pain but do your best to get your self to face to face meeting if you dont have a sponsor get one.Of course keep posting here and on line meetings.

Some of the women have posted here they got their marriages restored after the affairs that happens to but I dont know your future.

This I know the pain will stop hurting the more recovery you do.

dori

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

This happened to me too - it was like he went from one addiction to another. In his case, I truly believe that the cheating was part of his disease. This has made it possible for me to stand it - I use alanon tools, the same I would use for drinking or drugging. That is - stop focusing on what HE does, start focusing on what I do. At the moment I believe that he is being fathful to me, but to be honest, I don't really care all that much. I still get a lot out of the marriage, and so am willing to stay. Once I don't feel that way, I now feel that I can be strong enough to go. His behaviour is not about me - MY behaviour is about me.

I went to counselling for a while after I found out about the cheating - it really helped me. You might want to look into that, if you think it would do you some good.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I can imagine that it is easy to take it personally. I no longer do. My A is a total liar and a cheat. He cares nothing about me I know. In fact he can be vicious. I think A's go out of the way to make sure you know. I do know it is possible to cheat and not be found out. The fact you found out makes me think the A wanted you to.

Maresie2

Powerless · Senior Member

LaLa,

I can feel your pain. I went through this with my husband a few months ago and I thought the pain would kill me. Someone here said something that really made sense to me and helped me get through it. I think that are A's are so used to dealing wih the shame and guilt of their disease. THey know that we know all about it. When they meet women they don't know or who don't know them they can pretend for a while that they are normal men without the disease. They can feel all of the normal feelings a man feels without the responsibilities and guilt, shame....For a while, they can pretend. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it let me know that it had nothing to do with anything I did or didn't do. I can't change myself to please someone else.

I also know that we feel a spiritual void in us. People turn to drugs to fill that void. When they can no longer use drugs to fill that void they use food, gambling, women...anything can take the place. That is the nature of addiction. Addiction is make up of the following components: obsession and compulsion. We do things knowing what result it will bring, but can't seem to stop ourselves from doing it. Addicts are self-centered. It is part of the addiction. It doesn't make it okay to treat people with disregard to their feelings. Hopefully his sponsor will work with him on these character defects. In the mean time, we have to decide if we are willing to put up with what they do. We are powerless over all of their actions, not just their using...but we have power over what we choose to do about it.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

He says he has this attraction to females now that he didn't have before.

So now he is no longer a human being who is suppose to be mature enough to not act on inappropriate feelings?

To me there is NO excuse for this behavior. We have feelings about all kinds of things but we have a choice not to act on them.

This is a horrible loss for you. I hate to think how you feel, I know it is very, very painful.

You have done NOTHING. This has absolutely nothing to do with you.Please do not take on stuff that is not yours.

I hate to think you feel guilty on top of everything.

In alanon we focus on us. our feelings. We learn not analyze and take care of how "we" feel. I hope you can think about you. Do what you need to do to feel better. Rest,eat right if you can, drink lots of water and be good to you.

If you have people you can go to, I hope you will go to them.

Please treat yourself carefully, picture yourself as an open wound, becuz you are. If I were you I would not make any decisions now.

To try to figure out insanity is impossible. When I find myself doing that I have to stop myself and remember these are sick people doing sick things. I cannot change them. I can only decide what is best for me.

For me I cut myself off from them. I just do not want to be part of it and be in more pain. I do what I feel comfortable, then as usual with A people, things go sour and that is that for me.

But some people as far as adultery, can get thru it and love again. I am not one of them.

I know this is awful. Please give yourself time to digest this, rest and digest again. Nothing has to change if you don't want it to. This does not mean he wants to do it again.

This does not mean he does not love you. It is more about himself.

I hope you have support, maybe a counselor?

Keep coming back please. We care about you very much. Love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.