The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't talked lately about where I am or what I am doing so here it goes .... I moved back to the house 2 weeks ago, by choice but not for long. I need time to pack and sort, do repairs etc. I found chaos and mayhem. So here I am changing what I can. While I stay here I do not find doors broken into, more of my things missing etc. I am doing damage control? Funny thing is I am finding out I do not like being in control, the illusion that I had of being in control helped while I was determined to make my life to my liking. Excuse me let me rephrase that while i tried to make my AH's life to my liking.
Tonight i got a call from the mortgage company, it's 20 days past due. My husband did not get his last paycheck to me like he said, this is the first time he ever tossed aside these obligations for alcohol and drugs. Followed by alie of "my Mom is sending money to pay it for a couple months til it sells". Yesterday was very rough, no check in mail and I started making the calls I needed to. Lawyer asking what was in my best interest, bank that holds retirement accounts, mortgage company for options (funny I ended up on the phone with an Alanon member ... she didn't say it but I could tell, sending me a hug, give it 6 months etc, how nice to be able to say the whole story and not get a I don't care where's the money person). I didn't get many answers except this ... I found that in my heart if I signed consent for withdrawl of 401K to fix this problem then I would be saving him again. So the chips will fall where they may. Tonight the collections from the company called, my AH was sitting on the couch when the man asked me why I couldn't pay it. I said "My husband is an alcoholic,he relapsed, he lost his job, and I do not have the money myself to pay it". The important part is i didn't move or whisper it, just stated fact and never looked at him or anything. it doesn't change anything I just feel better being able to do it.
I looked up the defining charateristics of a sociopath a couple weeks ago. the only one that did not fit was being unable to keep financial obligations. It fits now. Labels are probably wrong and it's not my place to judge. I'm angry anyway that in my head I hear yes your husband is a bipolar, alcoholic, addict and a sociopath now. Angry and sad.
And I am proud, of myself. I'm not mean, yelling, trying to blame him more than is acceptable and only in my mind. I am just getting the things I need done, done. And I have to admit watching ... hoping for any sign of him wanting to be in recovery. I am not seeing them, at least not any that make me wonder.
I am a little scared, he has changed his drinking is not a happy drunk, there is some verbal/pysch abuse. I do not believe I am in any danger and would not stay if I did. there is denial and delusions, he does not seem to see the boxes piling up, has ignored the divorce papers. Asked if i was taking down the pictures to annoy him, using noisy packing tape to get a reaction? I try to ignore it as best I can. Anger that I will not sign consent so he can use the money in 401K to pay bills until he gets a new job and then we can keep the house. i plan to keep packing and move everyting I am taking in one day to avoid the either burst of his denial or the accusations of doing this to get him to go to treatment or AA or whatever. It really is insanity.
So it's not a pretty picture, in fact starting to get kinda ugly but I am coping fairly well and doing the best i can to get on my path. If any of you all have any ESH on the practical or spirtual matters of any of this rambling post I'd appreciate hearing them all. A BIG thank you to everyone for thier shares lately, even when i can't find the words or energy to post reading it all helps so much.
Jennifer good for you. I am so proud of how you are handling it all. Of course everything you do has to do with bugging him or whatever, isn't he the center of the universe?? The disease loves to be the be all and end all.
So sad if it knew how it means nothing. You are seeing it for what it is. good for you again for not using your four oh one thingy.
do your best to read some literature, or whatever for support to not listen to the diseases bs. You could seriously wear head phones and a radio or something. I sure would. Heck with the diseases yap.
It will get get better in time. I hope the house sells quickly. Hey do you like the farside cartoons? I tell ya even at my worst I would drag them out and crack up. Humor is so healing. Please play. do you have a dog or anything? They know how to play.
Every animal on my place, plays. They have taught me so much. Loyalty, love,courage, lightheartedness, how naps are so important, sigh
anyway please please don't forget the anti stressors. I am so sad your A is so sick.
Thanks for sharing what you are going thru. It's amazing how things can change, only reminds me of how this disease is truly progressive. I have to say you encourage me to take care of myself instead of just watching from the sidelines. I really needed to hear what you had to say today, funny how HP works.
(((Jennifer))) My heart goes out to you. I am trying to decide what to do myself. I know that once the decision is made I will have turned a corner. Not that it will make things better or worse just change. It sounds like you are dealing with everything really well--considering. It makes me feel good-oddly enough--I guess not so alone. I wish you all the luck!! Hope packing goes well!
