The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday being father's day I conteplated calling my father. I went back and forth with it a few times. Asking myself when I was going to stop chasing the relationship I will never have with him. Does he after all the years of ignoring 2 of his 3 children deserve a phone call wishing him a happy fathers day when in fact he hasn't been much of one? In the end I did call him and got the usual stuff - basically to busy to talk and what he did say was about everything he wanted to talk about.
For as many years as I can remember I have been seeking something that my father is unable to give to me. The loving relationship of a father and daughter. And when it didn't come from my father, I sought it from other men in my life. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship. Sometimes never even having a relationship - just time to fill the emotional need for the time being. Never understanding why I never felt better. Simply because I always found the same kind of men as my father. Emotionally unavailable and self centered in their own diseases or catastrophes. I always managed to find men I could fix.
So after many years of working on this for myself I thought I had resolved the issues and moved past the feelings. About 3 weeks ago I found that not to be true. My father and his longtime live in girlfriend sold their house and are moving to GA. Something that I suspected would happen sooner or later. However, the news did not come from my father. I found out from my brother's mother in law a month after the deal had been in the works. When the news was finally confirmed from my father it basically brought me to my knees. So now with the little time I have left with him living in this area, I find myself pushing yet again for something that I know will never happen. Not only are my eyes open to this fact, I have really seen just how much my husband is like my father. Recent conversations with both I have seen such huge parallels that I am freaking out.
I am chasing relationships with both of these men that they are incapable of giving, knowing that I should just cut my loses and move on. But then I start questioning myself about what it is about me that makes me unlovable etc. I get in my own head which I know is dangerous, and this is a subject that I dont often talk about because of the feelings that it brings up. I also fear letting go of these relationships feeling that I will either end up alone or will worse yet pick another just like them.
So my father will move a couple thousand miles away a week from today and I am not sure what this will bring. He knows that I dont have the resources to visit him or that his girlfriend does not want me to visit them. So it will probably be the last I see of him for a very long time, and I am not really sure how I feel about all that.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Fear can sure enough mess with us and throw us off on recovery. I was fearful of being alone all my life. As a young person I was terrified. I even had premonitions of being alone young in life. And for me, guess what, I am. I am 52 now. Was without family for the last 12 years until Hurricane Katrina and someone I knew dumped me off in the town where the A's are. For 10 months going on 11 it's been horrible again. I did alot of grieving over those years. I started to get use to it. I even enjoyed it. I lost my fear and terror along the way somewhere. OMG, am I relieved over just that one thing. I found out how much fear controlled my life and thinking and decisions. Everything it affected. After the last 11 months I'm ready to be alone again. There are many, many reminders of family out there in the world. Some just appear to be so great. And sometimes I see them and go straight down into depression thinking how much I wanted family. I wanted a father that didn't sexually abuse me. Well, I got one. And I buried him back in 87'. Sometimes I tell myself, well we all don't have the same plight/jurne in life. We can't all be the same and at the same time either. And thats were I think we can share our adventures with others to help them along the path to the end that we all come to some day. I still have some fears as I go foward alone, no family to support me, or care, or look after me. And now as I've learned new ways I also have a differewnt relationship with HP. I was in awe at some of the things I went thru and never expected what came from it. HP was there when I never expected and in ways that I still get goose bumps about when I think of them. And I have shared some, and yet not everyone can begin to imagine what I talk about. Some even think its crazy. But thats between me and HP and not for others to judge.
I hope you will make it ok. I hope I've shared some things that will help. Take what you need and leave the rest.
BlessingsCourageStrengthHP be with you
-- Edited by d53sjurne1 at 16:39, 2006-06-19
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Why does *their* inability to love mean that you are unloveable?
Maybe it is time to stop trying to convince these damaged men that you are lovable, and start convincing yourself. If you don't already go to F2F meetings, I urge you to start. There you can find acceptance for the real you - the flawed, imperfect, but still lovable you.
I find it easier to understand something intellectually than to believe it in my heart, but my f2f meetings have really made a difference in my life - they can make a difference in yours too. Stop going to the hardware store for bread - there is a place to get what you need.
Thank you both for your suggestions. I am a long time member of this program and have worked very hard for my serenity. However, there are still some issues that I think I have worked through that my HP says I haven't done enough. Also HP gives me what I can handle when he feels I can handle it. Although this process for me has been a long and difficult road, I know that I will make it through it. Old thought patterns when we are feeling low or sad about situations can rear their ugly heads and it is then that I know I need to put them out there so they don't stay in my head and rob me of my recovery.
I will feel the feelings of all of this, walk through the pain, and be better for it on the other side.
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I often feel that recovery is like a circle - we go through something, think we are done with it, and then whoops here it comes around again, on a different level.
My mom has been unavailable to me since I was a child and I TOTALLY understand what you are going through...My mom said she was moving to Indiana with her alcoholic sister and it angered me because my mom is an alcoholic and it will only make her more distant when she moves...less calls and then eventually I wouldn't see her at all probably. I live in fear thinking that way. I made up my mind and told her that she is a grown woman and I wish the best for her...I also told her I didn't think she was making the right decision but it was also not my life. Bottom line is that I haven't worried about it since because I can't make someone be a great mom unless they are willing to give freely. I am a great mom and I give my girl all the attention and love she needs. I learned what is important thru my mom so therefor I have gained something from her. I also acknowledge her great qualities which would be not to judge people. I think of these things when I want a hug or a phone call from her to ask me how I am...our phone calls are always about her.
Calling your father was a good thing for it shows that you are not going to hold a grudge because of his behavior and that you are going to stay true to yourself regardless of what he does. It takes a strong person to do that.
Keep on going to f2f meetings .... I got support there that I couldn't get from the people I needed it from....keep on talking to your HP for strength and wisdom
my mom taught me how to truely treat someone and love someone thru her shortcomings....just had to clear that up because something in my last post didn't make sense...
Blessings
Strength
HP be with you
march