"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Dog · Veteran Member

Newcomers speaking up in meetings

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((Dog)))))))))))))))),

As an "oldtimer", wow I feel to young to be called that lol, I hope what you experienced is not normal.

At meetings in my area, we do let the newcomer know that it is okay if they want to share with the group, but it is left at that. At times if the meeting I attend is small and the rest of my group has shared I have been asked if I want to speak, and if I don't feel the desire to, I simply state "I am hear to listen tonight, thanks". I feel that when I am speaking I am led by my HP with my words, and if I don't feel a desire to speak, he is telling me to listen :).

As a newcomer you should not feel any pressure to speak. This is your prgram and you need to work it as you see fit.

And on a side note, there are several members of the meetings that I attend who don't share in open meetings normally. But that doesn't make them any less valuable as an alanon member.

Keep coming back. When you are ready to share, you will. Until then soak in the ESH!

Much Love,

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Everyone is different, but as a "general rule of thumb"....

Sharing publicly helps us sort stuff out, that we have been trying to keep to ourselves, and do on our own.... Sharing publicly is kind of like "letting our hair down" and admitting to the world that we cannot do this on our own, and we need assistance.... It is actually quite 'freeing', and once you start, you likely will love doing so.... Most Al-Anon meetings have subjects of the week, either a word, phrase, step, or tradition.... I would recommend simply being you - share what that particular subject means to YOU, even if it is nothing....

I believe that sharing publicly is an important step in our respective recoveries....

T

rosie light shines · ~*Service Worker*~

hey U talk when U R ready, if that guy doesn't like it??? oh well, step one he is powerless over what u need to do to take care of u

when i first went to f2f meets, i was a talker to some degree...didn't share much deep stuff, we would read from the courage to change book or the daily on alanon, and another book and a lot of times i would "pass" as well

some folks talk right away?? some don't....and its OK, both ways are OK, it is up to the individual...

if someone came up to me and said to me what was said to U, i would say "thank u for your share, however it doesn't work for me to talk right now" and END of story!!! i do NOT owe them explain....its NOT a classroom where teacher calls u to answer/ speak....its a MEETING.....i went to this one alanon meet that disbanded since, and there was this one old guy who NEVER spoke, b4, yes, after, yes, and i liked him, at the end, he would put his arm around me and tell me he loved my honest shares and all, and i NEVER asked him "well xxxx why don't u share???" as much as i LOVE to hear shares, so i can learn, i would rather see them THERE and if they can't share yet??? than OK, they are THERE,

its OK to share/ not share AS NEEDED or FELT .........take what u can use and leave the rest.....rosie

just me · ~*Service Worker*~

Dog,

I agree with Canadian Guy and Dolphin. But I am with you too. Yes, sharing helps if your ready. But you do not have to talk and you certainly do not need someone pressuring you by putting words or feelings into your mouth. I listen at meetings and now only share if I feel I have something viable that will help others. In the past it was a place I could vent and still be accepted unconditionally. I had allot of stuff I needed to get out. I also have been in meetings with people who do not normally share and they are an important part of our group also. What I like about al-anon is there are no rules. Share if you want keep quiet if you want. But do not be bullied into sharing...that is just uncalled for.

Julia

d53sjurne · Senior Member

Hi dog,

This program is a program for your recovery. Your inventory is yours too. It is perfectly ok for you to decide your pace and timing of your own program for yourself. What they say or think is just that, theirs. I don't mean that in a mean way either. There are plenty well intentioned people out there and are trying to help the way they know how to. And some get excited and want to help pull others along and comes across as pushing, etc. We all have a right to proceed at our own pace, what ever we feel comfortable with. I myself am slow at things. Sometimes because thats part of my disability. I get some things and others, just can't grasp it in a 100 times. I live with me and now what I'm about, most times. Even so I have been working on recovery for years, some of it is as new as before recovery. Oldtimers even have work to do. They call this a lifetime program. We didn't get here overnite and won't heal everything overnite. I still have a problem editing, keeping things short, and keeping it simple. I have progressed, and still have a ways to go.

So, to try to keep it short, your doing good and glad you asked. Its your program and recovery to design to fit you. So if you don't want to talk yet, don't. Say what feels comfortable til you are ready to do more. Be ok with it even if it doesn't please others. Its not about them.

Keep coming back. I do. Have experienced this too.

Yours in Recovery, Blessings

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

Dog,

I am a relative newcomer to this whole thing, but I have noticed that some people in my group don't want to share either. It does help me that they are there. As a matter of fact I noticed as we were passing a daily reader around the other day to talk about a topic, someone who has said nothing in 3 months but their name was handed the book.

They fumbled around for 4 or 5 minutes looking for something that pertained to what was going on. An old timer shared something while she was looking and she took the oportunity to pass the book and I saw her give a big grin at the old timer. Seems she didn't want to buck the system... but was thrilled to pass.

I know I am a ppl pleaser from way back. I felt obligated to read at my first meeting (my problem, not thiers) I had to stop because I was too upset by what I was reading.

It was one of those stories that summed up my shattered life at the time. You know?

I agree with the others, sharing has helped me work out things I just couldn't have without, but all in your time, not thiers.

Take care of you!

Dog · Veteran Member

Thanks to everyone who responded. I have another question. What does ESH stand for?

On the talking... I am a writer and very aware the power of communicating. I guess this is why it bothered me so much when he suggested what I might say to the group! I have my own words, I'm sure. But he doesn't know that.

he also invited me to dinner, (with the group) but I thought it a poor idea before some things were established. Like my personality for one thing.

I think I am a lot bigger-mouthed than I look in person. I look kind of demure which is a total head-fake! And I would not want to be at dinner with some guy coaxing me to talk. I might just take his head off, you know?

So I really like this group. And I just wanted to know if there were some guidelines. I want to be accepted but I really hate "veneer". And if you're sitting there, feeling curious what others will say and nothing more...then what can you do?

"Hi, I'm Dog. I'm sharing because I think I have to...you guys want me to, and I'm co-dependent..."

ha ha ha

Anyway, thanks everyone.

d53sjurne · Senior Member

Alright Welcome dog,

So glad you shared. Coming right along there. Glad you are here.

ESH = Experience, Strength, Hope

Blessings

Oh, try not to take any heads with you ! I'll keep mine, thank you !(giggles) I'm probably coda too.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

I wouldn't read too much into it, dog. Since he doesn't know much about you, he may just think that you are shy and inarticulate, and could be helped by what he said. Some people would find what he did helpful. Since you didn't, there is nothing wrong with saying "No thanks".
One very important thing to keep in mind about this program is "Take what you like, leave the rest." Not everything everybody does or says will be helpful to you. That's OK. It's OK both for them to lay it out, and for you not to pick it up.

I have pretty poor social skills, and to some extent, the welcoming and suggesting I do at meetings is more for me than for the person I do it to - to help me learn how to reach out. It's entirely possible that it is that way for him - reaching out may be one of the ways he is working his program, trying to get out of his comfort zone. That also may be why he didn't pick up on your discomfort, and pushed a bit - he may not be very good at it, and practicing.

Dog · Veteran Member

ESH! Gotcha.

And lin0606 - I gotcha too. I am hoping the topic of the next meeting moves me. And I have also been showing up early and chatting with the people there before the meeting. It's just once the meeting starts it does seem quasi formal to me.

I am not used to the chorus of "Thanks, Tammy" when people talk. I am not familiar with the format the the chanting "keep coming back..." at the end for example. How's that go again? ::laughs:: I just don't want to break in until I have something real to say and feel reasonably comfortable I can manage the format and disrupt flow.

And no hard feelings towards that guy. The whole group is very warm and obviously they have various degrees of boundaries. But it really is a great group - lots of people are funny and I very much want to find my way.
Dog

dori · Senior Member

Hi,

I remember my first meetings I sat and cried sometimes sobbed in them.Was it ok I didnt even care I was in pain and I wanted for the pain to stop.

you work your recovery how you need to if youi talk next meeting or 5 meetings from now it is all ok.

one thing to remember we are all in recovery and sometimes even in a meeting you got to work your recovery cause not one of have it together or at least all the time ha.

let your self be you and do what is right for you.

dori

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dog--I'm so glad you're here in Al Anon. It's traditional in Al ANon meetings--f2f and otherwise--that we acknowlege the person sharing and when they are finished sharing. So if that's the extent of your talking right now, don't worry about it.

It bothers me more that someone wants you to talk. If they feel as if you have somethign worth while to contribute, it will come in time. Many members felt that they gained insight into their own selves as members talked, as they worked the steps with a sponsor, and as they simply gave themselves time. If that's the case for you, than by all means, PLEASE listen. PLEASE listen and identify with what you are hearing.

Whenever the spirit guides you to share--and for many of us, inevitably the time DOES come--we encourage you to share your experience, strength and hope on whatever the subject being discussed is. Or, conversely, you may have little experience, strength or hope on the subject, and need to share that--for example, if the topic is hope, and you have felt little or no hope in your life for quite some time, you are welcome to share this in a meeting. I feel that it is important that we remember the painful and the joyful parts of our journey into recovery, while we're in recovery, and as we continue in recovery. I also think it's ludicrous to believe that now that we're in recovery things will be perfect and spendid and turn a soft shade of rose; recovery is about learning how to live life one day at a time with the warts and down falls, and if you are experiencing a perticularly rough time of life, I think it is invaluble that you share this with your meeting, your sponsor, or whomever you call into confidence as a "safe" individual to place your feelings with.

We in al anon believe that each individual is a worthy person who can fully recover from the affects of alcholism if they are willing and honest. Give yourself time and open your mind to the program. Remember not every1 in the rooms is actually looking for recovery; some people genuinely are looking for pity, an audience, or simply a place where they can feel sorry for themselves in the presence of others. Please continue to go to the f2f meetings, and consider seriously getting a sponsor to work the program with--you will find that a sponsor will guide you to a deeper spiritual level than you would have ever found in the program by yourself. Also consider doing service work, like making coffee, setting up the chairs, being a greeter, or, if that's just too overwhelming a concept, growing the courage to speak at a meeting. Each of us makes up the organazation of Al Anon by our willingness to what we bring to the table and our desire to work the program just *that* much more today than yesterday.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"