The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
it took a LONG time for me to get **this** sick....**this** messed up.....it took a long time and LOTS of trauma and RE-trauma for the *candle of hope* to damned near blow out for me.....
so it isn't gonna be overnight that i recover....
i have had some well meaning souls indicate to me i may be "recycling" and i know that CAN happen....but as a person afflicted with post trauma stress disorder, the way to get THROUGH it is THROUGH it......TALK and TALK till i dont' have to talk anymore.....i did that with the incest, now i am **talking* about the OTHER traumas i had......
since recovery, life has NOT exempted me from heartache....like i am dealing with the OLD pain of childhood, while NEW pain as been thrown at me from folks , so called family, professing their love for me , only to betray me and turn on me, and MORE broken promises to add to the collection i already have......OR new "friends" professing their love and loyalty for me , only to drop me/ turn on me.....
yes, i have let it go ONLY becuz i **talked about it** discharged my anger and my grieve about it....and on and on and on....like i feel like hp is doing a test on me...."lets see how much crap we can pile on her b4 she just collapses"
so i trudge through, sharing my pain/ my progress/ my anger and my grief.....
if it sounds like recycling look again....i ALWAYS offer a plan, a solution, a REAL course of action on HOW/ WHAT i am going to care for do for ME.......i don't just sit and complain and go through the crap without any course of action
an old sponser told me, "the deeper the pain, the deeper the recovery"
i am doing INTENSE step 4 work for more self awareness, and to tell ya the truth??? i dn't know HOW in the hell i survived.....
so i am gonna work my program MY way, with NO timer set on it and do what i can do to take care of me, and newbies???? U guys talk till U dont' HAVE to anymore....
i do ONE trauma at a time and there is a list (won't go into it, sure U will se on my posts) but the thing IS, i am in pain AGAIN not just this step 4 work, and seeing more stuff i have to work the steps on but my aging doggie is beginning to die
i can't get her into the truck and i dont' want to have the pound pick her up, throw her in a truck, tote her to the shelter to put her down, as she will be traumatized...
so here i am, making her comfortable as i wait for her to leave me.....
i helped the vet take her from her dead mother's stomache as she died on the operating table....i tied this puppy's umbilicle cord, rubbed her and her siblings, bottle fed them, i gave her sibs away to vet techs i knew would nurse them and give these motherless puppies a chance...that was 11 1/2 years ago......"zoe" has been my best friend...she doesn't get on my case when i have to cry about the same trauma cuz she knows its my only hope of getting through it....she waddles to teh door with her back legs going out to give me a kiss, and now i have to "pay her back" by putting her outdoors, cuz she can't control her bowel anymore.....
i know she loves her yard, and i go out there all the time and "talk to her" brush her thick "watertight" fur, and shes still a gorgeous yellow lab, even with the grey all over her snout, as if she dipped that velvety snout in a pile of snow.......shes my "fat little doggie" and i am grieving over childhood pain and now THIS.......
my action???? i am POWERLESS....i am POWERLESS over what happend to me, and i am READY to "let the shit go" AS I GRIEVE IT OUT.......not before i have felt all the feelings i need to feel.........AND as to "zoe"??? i turned her over to HP, and i make her comfy and its hard.....
TODAY i could go home and find her under her favorite tree, gone......most of me will be glad she is free.....some of me will be sad cuz i dont' have my "fat girl" with me anymore.....my two other labs, black females, "betsy and kelly" both know that i am detaching with a lot of pain...and they follow me EVERYWHERE...i can't go to the john w/out stepping over their soft/ shiny bodies.....i am grateful i have them........there is a baby chocolate lab at teh pound i put my name in on, if owner doesn't come to reclaim, i am first on the list of "adopters"
life goes on....doggies in pounds needing someone loving like me to come "rescue them" so in "zoes" name i will keep on rescueing....
but in the meantime??? i am doing my step work on ALL the family of origin pain...ALL the grievious injuries my poor little inner child went through...and it is hard...sometimes i get frustrated with her, cuz the demands are almost more than i can do.....but i do my self talk work and "try again tomorow" thank U, rosie
Rosie, the miracle, it seems to me, is not "wondering how you survived", but that you DID survive, and you are working your program your way. Take all the time you need. That's the only way to approach recovery.
The story of your beloved Zoe caused my tears to fall. What a true and wonderful friend she is, as are you to her. You know that she was sent to give you unconditional love, respect, honor, and truth. That's how our treasured pets are. Keep loving and honoring her day by day, and make it your goal to love yourself as much as you love Zoe.
The abuse you have suffered is way beyond my ability to understand, but I always keep you in my prayers and my hopes.
With great caring, your friend, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Certainly take the time you need to heal, whatever it takes. There are no time limits.
I'm so sorry about your Zoe. I can relate whole heartedly in more ways then one. I too have a 11 yr. old "fat girl", her real name is Gracie, but I call her fatgirl with love. She is mostly Basset Hound and is in congestive heart failure and her time left with me only HP knows. Could be up to 6 mo, could be today.. She is still in control of her bladder, but has cataracts and arthritis. She can no longer get up the steep deck stairs (she can go down) to come inside the house, so when she wants back in I have to go to my basement and let her in...then I kind of push/lift her up the inside stairs (63 lbs). It's a pain in the butt..but I'd do it forever if she could stay with me.
Prayers for you and Zoe.. Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I understand so well. I posted a few weeks ago on my anger towards family and friends who were saying in a year you'll feel so much better. It's true but I don't want to hear it. This is now and I have spent enough time building future fantasies that "right now" is all i want to deal with. You do what you need to do to make yourself happy and whole in your own time.
I'm very sorry your beloved Zoe is not doing well. I lost my Jasper in January after months of battling cancer, I am glad he is at peace. The missing his funny quirks will never go away. Sending you both big hugs, and prayers.
((((Rosie)))) I understand so well. I posted a few weeks ago on my anger towards family and friends who were saying in a year you'll feel so much better. It's true but I don't want to hear it. This is now and I have spent enough time building future fantasies that "right now" is all i want to deal with. You do what you need to do to make yourself happy and whole in your own time.
>>>>>>>>>>>oh yeah, the old "why can't u just let it go?????" and the "oh u will feel better in a year or so" and i had ONE gal tell me "oh in 4 MONTHS, u will be astounded as to how much better u will be living"....yeah, right....so like u, i deal iwth RIGHT NOW.....i can't DO life more than ONE day at a time
I'm very sorry your beloved Zoe is not doing well. I lost my Jasper in January after months of battling cancer, I am glad he is at peace. The missing his funny quirks will never go away. Sending you both big hugs, and prayers. Jennifer
>>>>>>>>>>>ooooh i am sorry about jasper, oh it hurts so bad huh????? ya know my 4 legged "kids" dont' hurt me like humans do....i am not in recovery cuz of one of my critters.......when zoe goes home, i'll be glad she is at peace but its gonna kill me.........thank u so much for the hugs/ prayers..........bless U, rosie
Good morning ((Rosie & Zoe)) and other furry friends too
Your words
ya know my 4 legged "kids" dont' hurt me like humans do....i am not in recovery cuz of one of my critters......
brought up my thoughts on Jasper and my recovery. The guilt I feel over the chaos in the last year of his life spurs on my recovery. Watching my A and I interact had to have been hard on him loving us both. I think I stayed here this long becauseof him sometimes. Now when I think of how hard I am finding change I look at my new puppy and am reminded of what I do not want in his life. This journey should always be about being the best I can be for ME but sometimes it sure is nice to look into soft brown eyes and have another reason to keep moving foward. In some ways I am in recovery because of my critters LOL.
