The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is 30 days sober for my A. I can see the challenges he faced this month as well as myself. For me it was my insecurity, my anger, my fear. The behaviors are still there for the A. The anger and rages are not as bad. He has been able to control himself in situations this month that he normally would have blown up over or got smashed over. He still is quick to jump down my throat and fight though. If I'm frustrated about something and show the slightest hint of verbal frustration he's all over it. Friday he pulled a teenager move, took the credit card to buy gas but then somehow got detoured to the music store and bought an amp for his guitar instead.
He knew I'd be made because we have charged so much on that card this month alone. He didn't even consult me. So yeah I voiced my anger. Let him know he hasn't earned the right to charge on my card, he hasn't taken responsibility in the past for the other charges he made. The refinance on the condo paid off all those old debts. He pawned his last amp for pot, alcohol or whatever. I said you can't feel good about this. I let him know riding on my financial coatails for the last four years is over. At first, he coped an attitude screamed at me saying you've ruined my day. I wasn't screaming or cussing... I had to tell him the truth because otherwise I would hold it in and it would come out in resentment. He says, maybe your stepdad's right you should just leave me. I said, no you need to step up to the plate and be a man and get it together! You buy brand new shoes and clothes while your kids and me are in hand me downs. I don't buy the things I want or need because I choose to wait until I can pay for it. So at first he was going to take it back, then I said I want all your tips until you've paid it off. He could have saved his tips to begin with but chose the easy way. (Seeing all his weekly earnings coming to me to pay for this thing will hopefully show him it hurts when you have to sacrifice your money all at once to make up for your mess)
He called back later and apologized and said I was right about everything. He said he realized that if he wouldn't have pawned the first amp he wouldn't be in the situation he was now to begin with. Just because they stop drinking doesn't mean the behaviors stop. I'm dealing with a man who is emotionally 15 years old. I can only pray that he decides to work his program not just stay sober and go to meetings without learning anything. Maybe he'll grow up a bit.
I felt good about me that I didnt hold it in. I can't anymore, If I do I've allowed him to step all over a boundary of mine. I lose a little more self respect and dignity and so does he because he's not being made accountable for his actions. A year ago... I would have made him pay for the purchase but with threats, being cold and angry and resentful. I wouldn't have said what I mean without saying it mean... I would have just been down right nasty and hateful. We would have fought all weekend over it. We didn't I said what I needed to, he took it in, took responsibility for it and we went on with a nice weekend with our kids. I guess we are growing a little bit. Thanks for letting me share.
Blessings,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
That is great! You know what I think is so great about it.... he heard you, acturally heard what you said and thought about it. Isn't that a huge blessing!
With everything you have been through, I am so happy for you to be at a place where changes, even small ones show their pointed little head.
You really diserve it!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It is difficult isn't it? I used to wonder why I sometimes felt like a parent to my "A", and the reason why is that he is emotionally 13. And crossing that line from spouse/significant other to parent was very very thin for me, and still is at times.
For me that is how I say it mean. When I no longer speak as a spouse should, but then cross that line and become "mommy", I am no longer being nice at all or even assertive. That is when my nasty side comes out to him. Something I have been trying ot remain aware of as we argue.
You are working a great program, the growth in your shares is huge.
Keep sharing your recovery with is. I for one get so much out of your ESH.
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Today is 30 days sober for my A. I can see the challenges he faced this month as well as myself. For me it was my insecurity, my anger, my fear. The behaviors are still there for the A.
TWIN, just becuz he is sober, that does nothing for teh behaviours....only the PROGRAM does that.....its what u call a "dry drunk" the drinking is not there, but the "A" behaviours are.....the 12steps, and ACTIVE program work is the only thing that is gonna help with the behaviours......glad he is dry TODAY......hope he works hard at his recovery, but its hard , cuz i know for me, i am POWERLESS over another's recovery or non recovery.....peace 2 U , rosie
30 days huh ? Stark raving sober is what he is , lower your expectations and u will not be dissapointed it takes along time to chnge old attitudes as u well know, He is hanging on by his finger tips right now/. remember EASY DOES IT . He dosen't need to be reminded of what he has done in the past he carries enough guilt.
Be patient find meetings and sponsor get rid of the anger with her instead of berating him for what he did before . I know this is hard we are so angry and resentful in the beginning but we can help them by changing ourselves and our attitudes .
You have a right to say that your angry and dissapointed in what he did and leave it at that. we have a saying here that helps me alot . Say what u mean , Mean what u say , But don't be mean when u say it !
hi, I strongly agree with the "dry drunk" thing. The behaviour stays the same. In my experience, the anger is sometimes even worse when they're going through this. So many mixed up emotions to deal with, and usually a lot of guilt and shame and regret. Ofcourse they won't discuss this, often they are so confused that they can't see it for themselves. The cunning addiction has them trapped, but the person is underneath still. The 12steps is a great way forward, but it can be particularly frustrating in trying to remember that change for the A can only be brought about by the A themselves, regardless of how self-sacrificing or caring we are. I've tried it all, frustrated and desperate to the limit!! I was advised to look afer myself, but I think I must have thought I had a magic wand, stubborn to a fault. But eventually after much pain I realised, I can only look after myself and I have a duty to do this. Be kinder to yourself than I was to myself
Thanks for letting me share.