Dear hmrnrnmm,

I soooooooo relate. None of this do i find easy. It took much learning and practice for me. I still live in fear I still do it and haven't figured out everything alot of people already know is negative or sarcastic. Some of us grew up in it and thought it was normal and have to go thru alot of pain to try to relearn so much others seem to already take for granted and aren't that patient with those of us that don't do it on purpose but have it naturally and have to redo so much to get healthy. Or at least on the way to recovery. When they say its a life long journey its so true. And living with this one is especially hard for me. Some people seem to think you can just snap your fingers and you don't do it anymore. That is so untrue. Beings its so engrained for some of us , its just not that easy. And more painful. I used to be so angry at myself cause I have this and alot of people don't tolerate it, even knowing I am trying to change it. It seems so much easier to be triggered too, to react with the norm we are used to using as we grew up with it. Its discouraging alot too, especially when you try so hard and dont get much support with it. I went thru a time when I thought I had improved it so much and the others hadn't and was ready to give up trying as I too had less and less people to talk to that did in a healthier way. I would tell myself whats the use in being alone doing this by myself. At some point it came to me that it does bring so much more serenity to not participate in what parts I have grown in and learned about. It gets easier over time to not react as much. But sometimes when getting bombarded with it , it just happens again as it was learned so young in life and is a real memory and behavior the body already knows and use to practice. I don't think we ever totally unlearn it. I think we do learn new ways and just try to control not practicing the old. I think it will always be stored in us somewhere as it was a part of us. So choice and control is an issue with it I feel. Its also harder to get people to help with this as they think they are being confronted or think you are trying to argue with them and don't seem to understand that you just don't know the new way to put things yet. It makes you not want to talk at all sometimes and hide with embarrasment. But then I have to go back to trying evenso I screw up and learn from it what I can in bits and pieces. My body is 52 and that too makes it harder as most assume you are old enough to know better. Keep forgiving yourself and focus on recovery and yourself. I know in my heart what I truely mean even if I can't get it out my mouth that way sometimes. And I just keep on plugging it and pick myself up and try, try, try some more.  

Please don't give up. I know how frustrating it can be. My A-mom didn't seem to ever open her mouth without a remark of some sorts and is 72 now and still does it. There is no telling her about it as she defends it as oh well thats her and you'll just have to accept it. And tells you something is wrong with you.

I am glad I have been able to learn new ways evenso I still slip alot, but less than b4. I like feeling better about me evenso I'm not perfect and never will be. And still have a long ways to go.

Hang in. Keep on keeping on. It is worth it in the long run. Its a slow process unfortunately. I hope this has helped in some kind of way. You aren't struggling alone with this by anymeans.

BLESSINGS< PEACE>COURAGE<STRENGTH>

I think we can put boundaries in place, even with friends, co-workers, and family, who fall into these negative patterns.... Bottom line, hanging out with these people, and taking all their negativity in, begins to break down our spirit..... So the boundary is for you, for your health and serenity....  I had to set up some "no gossip" boundaries with a couple of workmates, which was difficult, cuz once in awhile I WANTED to gossip.

Just my two cents

T