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It was another rough weekend for me and my seven year old son. Here's what happened: it started on Friday night. While I took my little boy to the carnival that was in town, my AH was out at a campsite visiting his friends. He wasn't back when my son and I got home on Friday. He finally drove his drunk ass home around 10:30 at night (not late), but he was so drunk, his truck was parked half in the driveway and half in the neighbor's lawn. Nothing more than that happened that night., except he did manage to crap all over the bed upstairs. Guess who had to clean that up the next day?
Saturday night was the really bad night. My brother came to stay with us. There had been some storms so my son was scared to sleep alone. I blew up an air bed and put it in the room with my AH and me. When we were trying to get ready for bed, my son was joking around and asked us to say goodnight to his hamster. I said goodnight to the hamster and we were laughing. My AH said he "I'm not going to and I don't have to". That was the beginning of the crap that followed. Since our A/C isn't working I had some fans set up to cool the house. I also had certain doors shut so my son could sleep without worrying about the storm. For whatever reason, my AH got mad and said I was babying my son with the way I had it set up. I told him I had it taken care of and it didn't effect him in any way. I tried to let this go.
I had my son sleep on the air mattress and I slept with the A. About a half hour later, the A peed the bed. I couldn't find a way to sleep without getting his pee on me so I got up to find another place to sleep. The A woke up all mad and started yelling at me. I told him he peed the bed and I couldn't sleep in that. He then over to our brand new couch to lay down and he didn't even change his underwear. I just got disgusted and I lost it. My little boy woke up by this time and we left. I tried to go to a friend's house, but no one was home. We returned home and I was going to try to sleep with my son on the air mattress, but the A was on there in the same peed up underwear. I told him to get up because we were sleeping there. He started yelling that he doesn't have to and this is his home. (The loan is in MY name because he has HUGE credit problems). I told him I was going to call the police to have him removed if this kept up. Finally, I just took my son and went over to my ex-husband's house so we could sleep.
My AH and I fought all the next day and my poor little boy had to see all of this crap. My AH finally admitted he was an alcoholic, but he refused to do anything about it. He says he is just trying to have fun. I told him it might be fun for him, but it's not for everyone around him.
Anyway, I was trying to let this go and just move on, but last night some girl named Kelly called him while he was sleeping. I didn't talk to her, but I was so mad that I started slamming doors and he eventually woke up. He said she was a bartender he met while he was out on the road working. If I had some guy calling me, I would never hear the end of it.
I'm so tired of his drunk fits, his lies and his constant double standards. I just can't keep living like this. I'm working three jobs to keep my head above water and I'm still drowning. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep and walking on eggshells. I'm actually contemplating things I shouldn't be thinking about...
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can see it causes you and your son a great deal of pain. I can relate to working hard and keeping the home in order while the A pisses away job after job. You have quite a situation on your hands and I empathize with the confusion on what to do. Remember you are not stuck, even though it may seem you are. HP will open a door and an alternative will present itself. I think the big question to start with is what am I willing to live with? What will I allow my son and I to deal with? I too carry the financial burden, I can't really do it on my own, we're barely doing it now, but somehow we are. If my A went back to the bottle I'd have to sell my condo take the profit pay off the bills and move out of town to stay with my Mom. The boys aren't in school yet and preschool and daycare are too much. Be creative, take it slow, and if you can get to a F/F meeting it may help to put a different perspective on things.
Your A is not having fun even though he may say he is. I can't imagine what he must feel like when he gets sober and the fog lifts for a short time. I'm sure the guilt he must have over what he's putting you and your son through is too much for him to deal with, so he turns back to the bottle. This disease is relentless. Take care of you and your son, you have people who care and give you support.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I know that you have been posting for a while - and sounds like things are not getting much better at your home, have you been to face to face meetings, found a sponsor, a local support group in your area for you? This may not seem to help with the decisions on your A's behavior, but it helps to have healthy people and a support group there for you.
If you have some Al-Anon literature, possibly read info on boundaries, unacceptable behavior, stuff like that helps me - it's hard not to try to talk to them when they are under the influence of those substances (alcohol, drugs), but for my A it was just like talking to the wall - he never remembered what I said - and never, ever remembered what he said or did - Maybe things can be discussed when things are a little calmer and not affected by the alcohol -
You should be able to have a place for you and your son to be able to have a restful night's sleep - That's really not a lot to ask -
Hope these suggestions (and that's what it is-only suggestions) are able to help you in your journey for recovery,
One Day At A Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi Lindy. Reading your post affected me greatly. I honestly do not know how you continue to live this way. That being said, it is easy for others to tell you that HP will show you the way, and that things will get better if you rely on HP to get you through this. While this may all be true, I am a firm believer that HP expects a little intelligent help from us. You must decide the path you want to take, then walk along that path with the help of your HP. I do wish you and your dear son well. I worry about the terrible effects this life style may have on him now and in the future. Children are resilient, but there comes a time when we are doing much more damage to ourselves and them by staying than we would do by leaving. And remember, they learn what they see.
I will keep you and your boy in my prayers and positive thoughts no matter your decision. I hope that you can stand tall and look ahead to a life filled with serenity and peace.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
The title of your post is exactly word for word what I told myself when I found my first F2F meeting. The cool thing is you don't have to. Stay or go, you can make it right for you and your kids.
These are the most trying times I have ever seen in my life. It is amazing what effect it has on us and those around us. To me the program doesn't say stay or go for a reason. The program helps you be sane enough to make a good, well thought out decission. Otherwise I keep bouncing around like a ball... one minute mad enough to leave the state, the next loving her and feeling sorry for the pain she causes herself (and us).
I found that even when I am trying to learn to get it right I don't seem to get out of the way when these things happen many times. Guess just because I am new to this and it is a new way of life for me.
Last time she busted out a window, I just left it that way and went to bed. Left the glass all over the driveway for 2 days til she cleaned it up. It's interesting when I think back, that is about the only thing she hasn't blamed me for. LOL
I am getting better at this plan B business. I am not judging or challenging what you did, I am only saying that no matter what I do it seems as though after the fact I can see something that would have been better. Now I make a mental note of that and try to use it next time.
Keep coming and keep posting. Know that we are all right there with you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can feel your pain. I know how hard it is when we have no control over someone else's bad/disgusting behavior and yet that behavior has a negative impact us and the children.
The good news is...you have control over your choices.
Here are the thoughts/questions that work best for me when I'm faced with a tough situation:
- Focus only on the facts (weed through the emotions that come into play and push them aside for now).
- Don't excuse or rescue someone from thier own bad behavior.
- Who and what does the unacceptable behavior affect and am I okay with it?
- If I'm not comfortable with it, what steps can I take to 'change the things I can'?
- Don't make a molehill out of a mountain (no minimizing!).
I agree with Rita you need face to face alanon meetings and you need them now.
At my first face to face I was told, living with active alcoholism is living with insanity, and it is. I too slept in peed up beds drunken brawls, emotional abuse beyond belief.
I was up to 4 sleeping pills a night locked in a closet with earphones on to sleep and escape when by the grace of God I found alanon.
I got a sponsor. I went to countless face to face as many meetings as I could get to
I am working the steps. I learned what I will and will not tolerate from my AH.
You have choices. You can change from the victem role, I did it so can you.
keep reaching out
keep coming back
megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Sorry you are having to go thru this. I can relate to your agony. I stated letting them clean up their own messes. They did it, they can clean it. Even if I had to stay in the little ones room for a day or so, or another one. I'm sure you can do things with your name on things to change his location instead of your own. Not easy, but worth thinking about.
I tend to not know how to shorten some things still yet and couldn't say it much better than Diva did, and agree with.
I used to think Hey, it took me awhile to get into this, and may take some time to get out of. This too Shall Pass !
BlessingsCourageStrength
-- Edited by d53sjurne1 at 14:47, 2006-06-19
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Blessings
Courage
Strength