aa widow needs words of wisdom - Al-Anon Family Group

kellyjelly · Newbie

aa widow needs words of wisdom

Mobirdie · Senior Member

Kelly (((HUGS))) I have never been in your shoes but from what I understand what you are going through is quite normal. In order to recover from one addiction quite often the addict will take on a different addiction. In your case his new addiction is his recovery group.

My suggestion to you is to take this time to work on yourself and the results his addiction has had on you and how you react to situations.

When you feel frustrated keep repeating the serenity prayer until you really believe it.

Repeat the slogans...

One Day at a Time

Easy Does It

Let Go and Let God

If you have an ODAT book read it, if you don't then get yourself one. If you don't have a sponsor get yourself one either a ftf or one online. Somebody you can talk to when you get frustrated and start hateing the cell phone.

Give him time, he is on his way back to you but when he is taking baby steps it takes a long time to walk a mile.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))))))), <----- hugs

Welcome to the family. Here you will find great strength, hope, experience, compassion and humor (good for the soul). My hubby is newly sober (30 days this Wednesday) again.

I have been where you are. The first time he came out of rehab, he was doing the 90 in 90. 90 meetings in 90 days, as suggested by AA. At first I was a bit lonely, and feeling a left out. I realized that I was jealous of the fact that he was sharing his recovery with everybody but me! Or so I thought. But after several more relapses, detox, a car accident and nearly dying more than once, I realized that he has to do what he has to do in order to stay sober. What's the alternative? After attending AA meetings with him, a sponsor told me that 3 out 100 addicts will be able to stay sober! That dumfounded me. The last meeting we were at had about 100 members, and when I looked around the room I realized that the odds were against my husband and I could still loose him! I don't want him to become one of those statistics in which he doesn't make it. I want him to be the one of the three that do make it. The good news is, is that AA does work if you work it! I'd much rather spend less time with him because he's sober and getting better than be lonlier with him when he drank.

So what about us? How do we fill the time while they are at their meetings? By working our own program. We have to recover too. Because often the addict's SO can be just as sick and in some cases sicker than the addict. Alanon gives us the tools and education to do so. As you become healthier you will find that everything changes because you're changing and growing stronger. As you work your program you will find that the time you don't have with hubby is less and less because you are busy with yours.

One thing I always say to newcomers besides welcome to the family is this: You must not loose yourself in his disease, sober or not. You're recovery has to be about you, regardless if he chooses to recover or stay active. Alanon works if you work it!

What helped me to understand his recovery and the trial and tribulations that he goes through is to read from the AA book, particularly the chapters devoted to: Wives and Families. You can read it online. I strongly reccommend that you attend local Alanon meetings or come join us in the chat room for them, or just to chat. Read as much Alanon literature as you can, read the back posts. I do think it would be beneficial if you can, and hubby is comfortable with, attending some local AA meetings. I am finding that they are aiding in my own recovery. I am gaining a new perspective into this disease that I didn't have before. There are many Alanon meetings that welcome children. Check with your local chapter. There is always hope.

You have come to the right place. Realize that you are not alone. We are all here for you.

Live strong,

Karilynn

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((kelly)))) I have never been in your shoes, either, but I am so glad you came here. I liked what Kari said about "youmust not lose yourself in his disease, sober or not".

I have spent many years losing myself due to my AH's husband's disease, and found Alanon in Jan., actually New Year's Day, when he had left me right after Christmas due to an argument. He was gone 7 weeks. During that time, I grieved horribly, but tried to work, and any hours I had outside of work were spent here, learning, soaking up the Alanon wisdom.

I am truly in love with my husband, tho he can be horribly mean tempered towards me when he is drunk. When sober, he's an angel. I have learned he has a disease, alcoholism. This is not an excuse, but it helps me to understand when he says mean things, that it is the disease talking, not the man who loves me.

In understanding that it is a disease, I try to think of it as I would if he had cancer, alzheimer's, etc. It consumes him. If he does not get help he will die. If he does get help, treatment, medical attention or whatever, it too will consume him. I have learned to be happy with the part of the man who I love. Some people think I am dumb to stay, but the truth is I am happier with him than without him. And it's not like I am afraid of being alone, or of not being able to find someone else. This is my 5th marriage, and I walked out on all of the others. I cannot walk out of this one.

I hope you find help and comfort here. Isolation is so hard, especially with little ones. But, if you can lay your babies down for a nap, and come here and vent your feelings, or go to the chatroom and talk, it will help you to heal. Believe me, it has saved me, and given me so much strength to be the good person I know I am inside. It gives me the tools to care for myself, to do what I must, and to feel love again. Alcoholism took my dad from me when I was 16, and I WILL not let it take me away from the man I love with all my heart.

Also, Kellyjelly, I too am carrying extra weight due to comfort eating! But, in learning to love myself, I am starting to fix up my outside to match my inside. It will come to you slowly, but it will come. Please come back!

Love in Recovery,

Becky1

-- Edited by Becky1 at 13:11, 2006-06-18

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Kelly , worse than drinking ??? I don't think so . Please loose the last half of your nick name u don't need to be beating yourself up ,your fine just the way you are eight month old twins says it all. Be good to you.

(hugs) I know sobriety is rough but enjoy that coffee or tea with him when he comes home he is sober and civil , don't miss an oportunity to get to know the real him . I am supposeing that Al-Anon is not close to you it would help you alot to get your life back on track and not focus on what he is doing. Support his efforts at sobriety this is life and death for the A in your life he needs those meetings to stay sober. He is in what I lovingly call "stark raving sober"mode and it does go away after awhile as he begins to feel more secure with his sobriety.

If meetings are not an option for you please come into our chat room you need support at t his time we have meetings at 9am and pm eastern time. We have several members here from the UK who knows u may meet a fellow countryman . at the top of this message board there is a directory it will show u how to get into the al anon chat room , just follow the directions and hope to meet you there soon . Hang in there it will get better. Louise

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kelly: I definitely had the issue with comfort eating. I put on 40 lbs in relation to depression. I also found food to be a great solace when I felt my boyfriend abandoned me on many many levels. I am so sorry you feel left alone. I hope you will find the time to get into the chat room here. I joined this group 6 months ago in great great despair. I felt totally alone as you do. I regularly went into the chat room and just let out what I felt was an awful life with no hope of getting better. My life did get better, not story book better but certainly far far better than it had been for a long long time. I found great solace here, I found people here who validated me, I found a direction here and I found a lot of tools for dealing with an alcoholic and other issues in my life.

I hope you will stick around and use what this room has to offer.

Maresie2

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))))))))

First I would like to say, no way is this worse than drinking.....the world of addiction is the road to hell for all involved.............

I'm sure having 8 month old tiwns is taking its toll, espically living in a rural area....

Welcome to Miracles in Progress....a wonderful place to find love, compassion and understanding.......here we have all walked in the same shoes in one way or another....

Please join the chat and the meetings, you will find many friend here that love you for just who you are.......

Give yourself some time to heal also, this is a family disease, and you have also been living in the world of addiction.......

I am looking forward to meeting you......

Best Wishes,
Andrea

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Kelly, I too am a mother of twins, it is hard to get out at that age with them. But cherish it because before too long you won't be able to keep up with any degree of sanity. Your jelly is because you were stretched to the gills and it is very normal to have extra skin after that and no amount of exercise reduces the amount of skin you have from carrying 2 babies at the same time. My boys are 12 have lost all my weight years ago, and the skin has never changed no matter what you do. It is your symbol of doing something that not every woman gets the priveledge to do. "There is a special place in Heaven for the mother of twins".

Your husbands recovery is his own, and if it takes him 7 meetings a week to keep him sober that is what it takes. Meeting Makers, Make It! He will probably go to AA the rest of his life, if you are lucky. You don't say how long he is sober, at sometime communication will be needed to set up a schedule you can both live with. If he is early in recovery I myself would support him with what ever he needs to stay sober and make changes in his life. But I also know how overwhelmed you can become with two small children and I hope he supports you if say you really need some help occaisionally.

Josey

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.