The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was doing SOOOO well in my life - then one big argument - one in 6 months - and I go completely out of my mind. Now I have started to wonder whether I made the right decision to leave my A - whether or not I still want him - and WHY???
I havent thought about him, wanted to talk to him, see him, etc since December - but now all of a sudden - I keep fighting horrible urges to call him. I still have voicemail saved from him in my cell phone that I have had for years - all to remind me to NOT call him - remind me of his craziness - his addiction - him NOT BEING THE RIGHT PERSON FOR ME!! And every couple of weeks - I get the "this message will be deleted" message and I continue to save it. Every so often I check the number it came from just to see if his phone is still on and the other day it just said a number and not his recorded name. Well the next day it had been changed to a recorded name - his, but a femal voice saying it.
A moment of pain went right through me. He moved on - probably back to one of his ex's like he always does. They can most likely make him happier than I ever could even though we were UNBELIEVABLY happy together and never fought, always passionate, always perfectly IN LOVE until the last month when his addiction became clear.
I knew he would have moved on - I never doubted it - but for some reason it hurt. It's not like I gave him any other choice. I changed my number, I changed jobs, the only thing that stayed the same is that I live in the same place - and that is 2 hours away from him and he NEVER drove there by car - always came by train.
Now why is it that this bothers me? Why do I think he is in a better place when obviously his phone had been disconnected for a while - most likely cause he could not afford it - and most likely because his drug addiction is where he spends all of his money? Why do I care - and why do I care NOW when I havent even thought about any of it since January and I MOVED ON to MUCH better things??? These things really bother me and are eating at my psyche. Why after 6 months am I starting to wonder and care and miss him when I know I am so much better off??????
Just a guess here..but since your thoughts of X-A coincide with the disagreement of current guy, my guess is it is a feeling of insecurity that is pulling you back.
CYN is forgetting what she has accomplished!! You have been strong and dead set on your goals. Not only that but you did it!! Don't forget who you have become and where you were. Mostly, remember that when you count on someone else for your happiness it's never a good thing.
Beliefs are strong, and they have the power to attract what is believed to us. If we doubt our ability to succeed, if we in fact believe we WON'T succeed, then sure enough, that's what will happen.
What do you believe about yourself? You have the power to change your beliefs, and that will change your outcome. Set goals you believe you can accomplish. Your beliefs will shape your actions. As you achieve these goals, you'll begin to believe you are capable of succeeding and of doing even more.
"It is better to believe than to disbelieve; in so doing you bring everything to the realm of possibility."
-- Albert Einstein
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Cyn! I could so relate to your pain and confusion about this! All I can say is that I had to learn that relationships can be an addiction, too. Even knowing how bad they are for us, or hurtful, etc, just as drugs and alcohol can destroy a person's life, so can codependent addiction. It took me a long time to sort this all out, but until I did (after several years of the program) I wasn't able to make a healthy choice about either going or staying when it came to the significant other, and went back and forth just as you describe! Returning to the comfort of the "devil I knew" after many attempts to move on into another phase, "the devil I didn't know"! It's agony, I know. I felt a lot of shame about "needing" this guy when he clearly wanted his freedom and took up with other women all the time! It triggered all my abandonment issues, yet it was the one thing on earth I thought I couldn't live without! Insane? Yes! But the words and logic don't get you to a better place. Just keep going with the program. It does get better!
One thing I remember helping me was reading that book, Is it Love, or Is It Addiction? (can't remember the author offhand, but it's still available).
Cyn: As a recovering codependent some of my recovery issues are associated with love addiction and I can be quite hooked into people who work in ways that are love avoidant. My younger sister does that she will be quite intriguing in her conversations with me. I think it has taken me most of my life to get to a point of saying there is nothing there in that relationship for me. I got a few golden crumbs for a long long time.
I know for me personally rescuing and being needed by an A was and is very addictive. So is the fact that they are not really available. I could not for the life of me in recovery imagine a life of quiet serenity until now. These days I work towards that quite avidly.
Do I think its unusual that you are wondering about your A now. I wondered about an exhusband for years. After working a 4th step I finally got to a point where I had nothing more to say about the relationship. I do not know what kind of dance your A led you. They do lead us a merry dance dont they, the lies, the crisies the demands, the few sweet words now and again and the intrigue or how manipulative they can be. These days I realised I don't believe much of what the A says about work, friends, family whatever. But I do know that I am last on the list and will probably always be. That is the reality for you with this man. At a certain point in my life my abandonment issues were such that last on the list was enough, it was something.
I can still spend a lot of time remonstrating with the A in my head. I don't do much of it in person anymore. I do understand he is totally lost in a disease that will kill him. The issue for me is that in recovery it is not going to kill me too.
I am so so happy for you that you can come to these rooms and talk about those feelings and put them out there and look at them. You are not beating yourself up and you are not acting on them. The more I can not act on my feelings around the A the better I am. I know the A incites me, provokes me and resents me deeply. After all he can't pour all his suffering into me anymore and say its all me.
