>>>>>>>>>>>yes, i am WORTH knowing me, the WHY and HOW i got these defects......working step 4 has helped me understand me....i am doing a book "broken toys , broken dreams" and it is like a step 4, how i was actually enmeshed with my perp...and that is why it has been so hard to "let this shit go" so much between us....the hate/ the incest/ the LIES/ the betrayals......i focused so much on the incest, i didn't even address the LIES and the abandonments, and the BETRAYALS he did to me.....he even murdered my mother...beat her/ abused her till she drank her self to death and it was a deliberate thing on her part...she TOLD me she was "outta here"......

also the OTHER people who harmed me, and left me with resentments/ pain, etc.........and when i do step 4 i am gentle/ forgiving to me......wouldn't i be gentle and forgiving to someone ELSE who was victimized by a violent trauma????

>>>>>>>>>>>i benefit by "knowing the enemy" is to defeat/ overcome the enemy, AND i have found so many GOOD things about me, i am sick, but i have a wonderful/ compassionate heart..i am honest, ethical, i do what is right, people can depend on me to back up my words with my actions, etc......lots of good......and yes, i want to get rid of the self defeating attitudes and behaviours that block me from a good life.......and i too am in it for life....i do step 4 on a routine basis, i work the steps over and over and over, continual becuz i am worth it, i want to be FREE of my pain....i found out that i had another big resentment to my abuser......when i was being abused, and he is telling me "u r so useless, u better marry a rich man" yeah, right!! AFTER he renders me disabled for ANY kind of trust, intimacy, and i am working the step and i am thinking of how he used to tell me "oh ur inheritance will take care of u...u are going to be WELL provided for"

and than the manure pile dies and we find out we got NOTHING....NOTHING but injuries, post trauma stress syndrome, sickness to the point i live poor all my life becuz of no self esteem, no confidence to accept a good job, no money for therapy......he takes my life and leaves me with NO compensation....like "workers comp" i got NOTHING......NO compensation for my damages.....i discoverd how resentful that i was over it but now???? i say to me....."hey the freak NEVER met ANY of my needs...sabotaged me from the start....WHY would i even THINK he is gonna 'do what is right' at the end of his miserabe life????".........i had this UNrealistic and UNresolved expectation that yes, he would give me SOMETHING to pay me for my damages.........my grandfather set up a trust for ALL us grandkids, and somehow my father figured out how to break the trust, and he and his brothers SPENT our money............so here i was resenting the "lie # 1,000,000,000" from him........so yeah, he leaves me with emotional disabilites on TOP of leaving me with nothing...........i "expected" him to "honor" "his" word???? good lord, how naive i was to THINK that a freak like that is going to do ANYthing right by his family.......the money that was ours went to his trips and his mistresses, and HIS fun, not us...........i saw this and i realized, that the incest isn't the ONLY thing i had to "root out" re: resentments about this EVIL EVIL man.....

i swear i have never cursed the soul of anyone, but occasionally, when i am doing step 4 and i find yet another "inner child" thing i have to work out....i DO curse his soul......i am GRATEFUL that there is a hell and he is FRYING!!!!!

but ya know??? i must be progressing cuz the "cursing him" is lessening and the "loving / caring for me" is increasing..........sure, i let the feelings out and let my I/C have her anger session and then we grieve it out and come to accept that a piece of crap is a piece of crap.....and i was wrong to expect a piece of crap to do anything but SIT there, and STINK, and do NOTHING but nourish the OTHER flys and maggots.............i discharge my anger, and now i can move on....like now, this revelation of more shit to work through, yeah, i feel the anger, the grief, than i say "ok, i will waste NO more time cursing him, cuz that takes time away from me"

i may always from time to time feel anger rise up and i will discharge it, and move on...just like now...writing this is discharging it....than i grieve it, and take care of me.........he isn't WORTH my energy, i only think of the past when i HAVE to , when i HAVE to do inner child , family of origin pain......i want to resolve the OLD crap, so i dont' keep drawing similiar stuff in my life now, becuz i didn't deal with teh ORIGINAL pain........

>>>>>>>>>>yes, i can....i had my part in lots of my difficulties....even tho b4 recovery, i was of "diminished capacity" and thus not responsible so much, i AM NOW!!! and i am glad to be ABLE to take responsibility for me....i dug out all the people i harmed as a result of my injuries, and i explained to them that HAD i been in a healthy state of mind, i would have done "such and such" but i still OWN what i did!! i explained that i am in recovery , getting help for my problems and that i understand much better now HOW to live like a REAL human being and not this tortured sick, half dead, creature i was........i am not holding on to situations where i am not at fault......i am totally responsible for my feelings / actions now and it is GR8 like gettting out of prison, i am finally FREE to make CHOICES out of a saner mind.....i am learning i can trust me, trust what i do, what i see, what my other senses tell me....i am protecting me/ caring for me SO much better, i can say "NO" and not give explaination if i don't have to / want to.....no i cannot change my past, but i can "BEGIN TODAY" to make a happier ending.......i treat myself so much better....and the good news is it is becomming HABIT to treat me good.......i am WORTHY of ALL things good.....

>>>>>>>>>oh this is SOOSOtrue...it is FOR my info, FOR my recovery, FOR my understanding so i CAN focus on the solution....i am still finding stuff to rage/grieve over, but i am seeing the bottom of the well now....i am getting there....and i see the GOOD, i am able to say "good girl" lots of times now...step 4 is not punishemnt, but PURCHASING mental health.......and yeah, i do like me better...... i am soooo glad i am sooo brutally honest....i mean i always was that way, deep in side.....HONESTY....ACTIONS matching the words are soooo hugely important to me......i am totally honest with me and my HP and my SAFE others.......step 4 is my FRIEND......