The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Living with active alcoholism , or long after the alcoholic has gone, seriously affects our feeling of self worth. I know for me I blamed myself for years for someone elses drinking, I knew it had to me somehow someway that I had "made" this person drink. When I was a child I thought my dad drank because I didnt excell in school as I should have, or didnt behave as I should have etc etc. He was my first alcoholic in my life. Then when he died at the age of 59, I thought perhaps it was because my husband and I bought a new home, and were doing well in our lives as my parents struggled. When my husband of 30 years began to drink more chronically and every day I again blamed myself, but this time my self worth, my self esteem, my whole inner soul began to diminish. I became so low in my life and the stinking thinking of the why me's began to crowd my judgement and I began to isolate within my home groing deeper and deeper into that dark hole of misery, worry and fear. Everything was negative in my life, and I began to doubt my own sanity. I started to do everything to appease the A in my life, and let myself go on the back burner. Everythign I did was for him, and not myself. Every waking hour I thought of how to get him to stop drinking, and when I failed I slipped deeper into the abyss. I walked on eggshells, I watched the clock tick by night after night waiting to hear his truck pull in the driveway. Between the tears and the sleepless nights, my mind and soul was not getting any nourishment from food or sleep. I was totally neglecting myself, and I became sick, mentally and physically and spiritually. I was beat down emotionally with the constant verbal abuse.
I entered Alanon a broken , suicidal, homicidal, shell of a woman, with very little hope that my life could ever become "somewhat normal" again. Was it my legacy to life like this for the rest of my life? I was no good to my children, I was no good to my firends, and first and foremost I was no good to myself.
Alanon offered me a new beginning in the middle of my life. Alanon helped me realize that I was not alone, and that others suffered as I did and that there was hope for each and everyone of us, who have been affected by anothers drinking. I do not conceal my feelings anymore, I can talk openely in my meeting how I feel and what is bothering me without getting any negative feedback, only nods and smiles, and compassion that we so desparately need. I am not alone anymore hiding in my head and my home. I learning to live again and even laugh and enjoy life and people who surround me. I am willing to change my character defects and become someone I am proud of, and that only starts when I take care of myself physically, mentally and spiritually, and I was so ready when I entered those doors of alanon over 6 years ago. I cannot say enough of this program which literally saved my life. My motto now is to be my own role model, that I strive for everyday......gardengal
I grew up with an alcoholic father too. I have to say that I don't have any memory of ever thinking it was my fault. Is that normal? What I do remember is always trying to keep the peace. I would tell my mom "just don't start with him when he comes in". I could never deal with any confrontations. I am still like that. I am getting better by saying what I mean and mean what I'm saying without saying it mean...most of the time.
I guess I am not a person who is in touch with her feelings alot. I don't take care of myself physically...although I really want to...it is just too hard for me. I am like tha A in that sense...my substance being food/sugar. Fortunately, I have been able to start to take care of myself emotionally and spiritually...by coming to Alanon and getting more in touch with my HP.
I didn't grow up with an alcoholic, but my mom is an acoa...and I really didn't understand how that affected me until I was faced with having to admit I was married to an alcoholic. At that point, I started to read about alcoholism and how it affects everyone around it...above and beyond what we might think...until we're living deep within it. I started to understand my behaviors and I can so relate to the things you mentioned. My Mom had taught me how to be a very good codependent person. I had watched her do it my entire childhood. I thought it was normal to sacrifice my own happiness 'for the sake' of something, someone, anything...as long as everyone else appeared happy. My Mom would often become anxious and moody if things seemed off balance or not within her control. She wasn't abusive..., but now I know she was dealing with the affects of being the daughter of a verbally abusive, very stern, unavailable alcoholic father. All she wanted to do was keep the peace and caretake to the point that I couldn't learn things for myself. I wasn't allowed to make many mistakes, or do things on my own. I hated it and moved out of the house as soon as I turned 18. I wanted to live life without feeling so protected! Well...I did, and ended up married at 20.
Yep...and years later I couldn't understand why I felt so 'alone' in my marriage. I had become a shell of the person I imagined I'd become. I also isolated myself and was constantly trying to be a peacemaker. For me, it was with my children...because I didn't want them to upset my AH. I walked on eggshells and was always wanting to keep things calm and 'happy'. I didn't want to listen to the yelling and cussing. As long as the kids behaved...he was bearable. So I put my entire focus onto my children. I lived through them. As they got older, they needed me less. Then I had no excuse anymore...nothing to hide behind. I had to stop, look around and 'see' what I was left with. In the end, all I accomplished (besides some wonderful teenagers!) was losing my spirit. I became as negative and pessimistic about life as my AH. Somewhere in those years I had taken on his personality. I became almost as bitter as him. Very impatient, angry, and filled with absolutely no hope when I thought about my future.
It took a lot work...a lot of pain...and a lot of tears...but I have finally found me! The person I wanted to be. My family is so much better now because of it.
Even though I am currently in the process of a divorce...ultimately, I'm glad I married an alcoholic. Without him...I might not have become lost enough to work so desperately hard to be found again!
