The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My father died yesterday and my A escalated in anger about it until he was screaming ** your Dad and ** your Mom and ** your sister. It was awful. He said I shouldn't be manipulated into going to the funeral, that my dad deserted me when I was a kid and he hurt me and I don't know "those people" and on and on he went. See, I had told my sister I'd go to the funeral with her. I remained quiet and thought to myself "Let go and let God" over and over. My A and I are separated but we were going to my son's house to watch a game. We didn't stay because my A couldn't stop with his tantrum. He said to my son "Here's a piece of advice. Don't let a little girl sweet talk you into marrying her, having kids, going broke, and then leaving you in your 50's when she could have done it 20 years earlier so you would at least have a chance of getting someone new." He said he regretted marrying me, hated waking up everyday, hated life, and could find no joy in any of us - wife and kids. Tonight when I talked to him, he doesn't remember saying any of that. But I found out that he has taken IN ONE WEEK 60 Oxycontin, 120 hydrocodone, 60 adivan and other sleep aids. That's 240+ pills in 7 days or 34 1/2 pills a day on top of the ephedrine tablets, sinus pills, and tylenol. He told me tonight that he took off work so he could drive me to the funeral on Saturday. But he said he really didn't want to go. I said he didn't have to go. But he insists. Then he called me late tonight and said I was his only reason for living. That life has no meaning for him now that we are separated. He also said that he can't fix himself. I don't know what to say - I just had to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening.
Some where in that name is the answer don't you think? I was taught by my sponsors that often times my nose is so close to the picture I can't see any of it. They were right of course. I feel for you and all the crazy noise and goings on that come with the addicted spouse. It was my unconscious choice back then to remain with it and the program gave me my sanity/conscousness back. Today I know I can stay with it or not. I can do other things because I have many other choices than just the one that kept me a captive slave to this disease. Certainly I am sure, if you were to read your post as I or others read it you would identify the insanity of addiction/addicted and the people they touch. "...we become as sick as the alcoholic, even sicker, because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. Therefore we go thru it wide awake." This was part of the definition of alcoholism that we use to read before every meeting when I got into recovery in CA.
There is not much to say when faced with this disease other than...Oh God help me! This is what worked for me.
Keep coming back and get to as many Face 2 Face meetings as you can and get a sponsor.
So sorry about your father's passing. I hope there were good memories to celebrate between now and the funeral.
I agree with what Jerry said. In the throws of addiction what is said is not usually the "truth" for lack of a better word. When my hubby was drinking he would say things that I know he did not mean. I have this saying: "It's the alcohol talking."
As hard as this is for you, please try and concentrate on your own recovery. You must not loose yourself in their disease. Your recovery has to be about you, regardless if he choose recovery or not. I lost myself in my A's disease for a while, and I knew I was becoming just as sick he was. Luckily I was able to find this place and get stronger and healthier. Recovery for us is absolutely possible. When you start getting better, you will gain strength and insight. Answers come to us when we are truly ready to receive them. The decisions you need to make about your life will become clearer and you will be at peace with them. You can and will do this. Just keep coming back to us, and working a program. I can't emphasize enough how important that is. There is always hope.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Wow you are dealing with a great deal of pain and stress right now. I'm sorry about your Dad and sorry you are going through this with your A. Ultimately its your decision about going to the funeral, and you are right your A doesn't have to go to the funeral. Sounds like he's on more medication and pills than a human being can tolerate which can't be good for his mind, thoughts, heart, everything. You can't control what he puts in his mouth, you didn't cause him to take the pills or become addicted, and you can't cure him either. A's say and do things in the midst of their highs or binges that they don't really mean and often can't remember. His misery is not with you or the kids I hope you know that, if you don't know that, give it some thought because truly he's miserable with himself. He must be if he's taking that much medication to numb out the pain in his own life.
Maybe a face to face meeting would help you out. Can't hurt to be with people who are going through the same things as you are. My A does things that he ordinarily wouldn't do if he werent drunk. His anger and misery follow him drunk or sober. The only cure is for him to work the steps and stay in therapy to work through the pain and hurt. I can't make it better for him and our kids can't either. Take time for yourself if you can to sit with the hurt of losing your Dad, ask yourself what you need to be o.k. Keep posting and coming back. We are here for you.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
So very sorry to for your loss, sending you thoughts and prayers of comfort. It is never an easy time to lose a loved one, but the pain always seemed to be doubled when my AH was not there for me during those times of loss. I now know that his disease would not allow him to be and that I can seek comfort through other healthy support groups such as MIP, f2f meetings, sponsor, reliable family members, etc.
Take special care of you over the next few weeks, give yourself the time you need to heal,
One Day at A Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
As frustrating as it is, you simply "can't make sense out of nonsense", and that is what is coming out of him right now. Active addicts & alcoholics will often say all kinds of things, whether it is to "get a reaction" or "keep us sick", or "project their own hurts onto others" is unknown, and quite frankly - irrelevant. Trying to figure out the "whys" of the things they do will keep you upset and frustrated, it's way better to focus on the "whats".
My sponsor used to remind me, in ALL dealings with my active A, to view her with a big SSS on her forehead, as "sick, sick, sick".
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am so sorry for the loss of your father...must be difficult to no matter what the relationship was with you and dad....my prayers are with you and your family....
As for ex, well all of those pills are turning his brain into mush.....Before my hub went into rehab he was taking, vicodn, percocette, and anyting he could get his hands on....he was becoming febel minded.....
