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what a wonderful 6 days it had been. I suppose she was sober. she was pleasant & not annoying like she is tonite. I had to work Wed from 8pm to 8am. the man I sit with was up & down almost every hour on the hour. We had to go to town & do some errands. She picked me up a little after 8 am this morning. We found out it is going to cost us around $400 or more to fix the front end which is shot from the pot hole we hit last month. We are on a fixed income of $734 a month. We do make a little extra sometimes. odd jobs , scrapping/ recycing etc.
We stopped by to visit a friend. He offered us a bottle of vodka, or 2 bottles of wine. My A , Tina said she was trying to stop drinking. She went on to telll him she knew if she took the bottle home she would drink it all in one setting. I was proud. I thought wow she finally gets it she can not be a social drinker. she must abstain from all alcohol. I walked away and let them talk as I was exhausted and about to drop.
we got home I think it was close to 8pm. I have slept maybe an hour or so today while she talked to her therapist. They talked about now that she had her drinking problem under control what did she want to do now. She told her & later me she wanted to work on herself , get to know herself.
Sounded great? huh?
Well, turns out while I was at work last nite she went and bought herself a fancy bottle of wine. So she had her a glass poured. I can not stand the smell of it at all. It makes me sick to my stomach to smell alcohol literally. I just stopped drinking last year myself without a program but a stomach problem. ( long unrealated story)
So while I have been online tonite trying to find the parts for our 1979 C-10 she has been getting drunk. She is talking non stop. My head is splitting, my stomach hurts now. I know it is her problem not mind but when they are in the same house it is really hard to ignore the antics.
I even talked last week in my f2f when it was me & one other person about having no expectations or depending on her for anything. I had six wonderful days but alas everything must come to an end.
She has tried to get near me to look at the computer screen when I found some parts. Her breath is putrid. I cover my nose with my hand she is like what? what? did I do something wrong? now it is listen to me, I am saying something important. the volume on the tv is on mute & i have close caption on instead.
Now she waiting for me to go to bed so she can sleep beside the computer on the recliner so if our dog who has been sick needs to go out she is near the door. She is now saying how she is a bad person. on & on & on. so I am going to bed in self defense. I would like to watch the late shows while I try & find my cheap airline flight tickets so I can go to SC for vaction alone next month but no .........
I & some that know her have a running joke. seems when she has had too much to drink. she throws up all nite & some of the next day. She announces she has a " sinus headache". It is so funny now I forget to laugh.
HELP!!! THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I ORDERED. PLEASE COME AND TAKE ME AWAY FROM ALL THIS MY HIGHER POWER.
I have been reading a book interesting to me. I have had a hard time reading anything in a while now lack of focus. Well the book is by Psychic Sylvia Browne. It is called Past Lives, Future Healing. It is making some sense to me.
Great now she decided to go in the bedroom & has put the sick dog up in his crate. she also put another dog in a crate to feed him & he is asking to come out. ain't life grand!
Your cry for help seemed very similar to mine just before I came into the Family Groups although I was standing under a parking lot light, in an empty shopping center parking lot, at 3am in the morning. By the way do you know that God answers prayers like that??? I didn't get a trip to Mars, the Moon or the Sun (I would have had to go at night time cause during the day it's much too hot) or anything like that but I did find my self at the doors of a Monday night Al-Anon meeting and everything changed for the best. Prayers like ours get answered.
I understand what you are going thru as yours is very much a part of my own story and the stories of other male spouses of female alcoholics. Gender is a uniqueness only not to the disease. It doesn't care who or what it destroys. Only suggestions I could give you that I know work are the ones that were freely given to me. Do as many meetings as you can in the 90 day period of time, get a sponsor, work the steps/slogans and do service to a home meeting.
It's okay to remove yourself from the area also and go somewhere that's healthier even for just and hours or so.
If you could have told me 5 years ago that this was the life I was going to lead, I would have said "yeah right". But for whatever reason HP has decided that this is the path I am suppose to take. So all I can do, is remain true to who I am, be good to myself and go along the path. It doesn't mean that I have to accept every twist and turn. It does mean that I have to work my program, trust my HP and be the best that I can be. There have been many roadblocks, and I've stumbled. But so far so good. My A hits his 30 days next week. Will there another 30 days sobriety for him? I hope and pray that it's so. If not he will be dead. But whatever happens, I know if I stay focused on me and what I have to do all will be well. Congrats on your sobriety. Good for you!
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
ok before I went to bed last nite, I checked the answering machine. there is a message for her she has an appt at 8:30am. I tried to talk to her, ask if she knew? she is passed out stone cold. I set the alarm clock leave the appt card on her alarm clock. I found in her wallet. she is so ocd about her wallet & can not stand anyone in HER wallet.
I woke around 8am. she is still sleeping so she either turned off the clock or i didn't set it right. It is her appt. not mine she was suppose to get the results of her MRI she had begged her Dr to order because of the leg pain. I did remember yesterdays readings, I am the queen of sarcasm. I bit my tongue & said Tina you had an appt this morning. She muttered something like I did? I went outside put up a dog who got out of the fence. Gave them water & the other outdoor dogs. I see one of the tires on the truck looks like it got bit. It has some chunks on the side so it will have to be changed. I got to go in to work 4pm to 8pm.
Kinda nice to sit with an old drunk in ..........can't call it recovery...........his family forced him to quit. but he has been pleasant. One of the other ladies said he asked her the other day" did she think any of us would want to have sex with him." EWWWWWWW. He is 72, he pees himself most every time he has to go pee. Well she told him "I do not think any of us would "
Oh, I suppose in her mind she has her drinking under control. she has made a bottle of wine last 3 days. YIPPEE!!! She has about a 1/4 of a bottle left for today.
hmmm, what can I change? about the only thing I can change is my attitude about this miserable life I am living. I see no changes other than that on the horizan. * or however you spell that word. I know I didn't spell it right oh well.
I found the readings in the literature on being a victim and the martyr are particularly helpful when I'm feeling overwhelmed by the A, the disease and all the aftershocks.
I too did not order this life.
That's just it tho, when I start trying to order my life, I find out that I'm not in control of the HP in the kitchen cooking to order. HP will give me just what I need, yet not necessarily what I want. I have a lot less claw marks in my filet mignon, when I let go and accept it, even though I ordered lobster today.
Sometimes I order chicken and my HP gives me liver because I'm low in iron. It's not what I want, I hate liver, but I really was lacking that particular mineral. Once in awhile I don't like anything my HP is cooking so I cook for myself. I usually make something like brownies. And while they taste yummy, then I"m hungry an hour later because I haven't really taken care of myself and given myself what I really need.
Life's a buffet but at this one, I just got to trust the chef to put what I need on the plate.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
If my A hit 30 days of sobriety I would be exstatic! She has yet to get to that many days. LOL and she talks about how her X gave her an ultimatimatim. She could stop smoking or end the relationship. So she gave up marijuanan & cigerattes. I guess I am not that important. I know I can hear ya'll now it is the disease not her.
I smoked cigs in school trying to fit in. It was not for me. I quit. I did almost every drug out there prior to 83 but continued cocaine & pot till 88. The dealer of the cocaine was busted an hour after my now X & his best freind went to pick it up. We all realized they were being watched. So we all mutually gave it up. We were doing 8 balls. ( approx 3 grams) at a time. lol I really got some work done on that stuff. We ran a mom & pop motel. I was tireless. lmao
I was thinking. I can not remember one person in history who ever became anything successful or famous, etc while under the influence. The only thing that was a result was loss of time, years, & so much more.
So I am taking a poll................ Keep in mind, we have no credit. We manage on $734 disablity check plus a little bit more. We have no one rich to help us. Not alot of money saved up.
We have a 1979 Chevy C-10 the front end is shot. We will need to replace the steering gear box, idler arm, & pittman arm. We hit a hellacious hole in the side of the road about a month ago. It blew the tire out on both sides & dented the rim. the truck bounces really bad while driving now. I found the prices so far are maybe under $300 plus $180 for labor.
I have a 1988 Ford Ranger.It looks great. I bought it in 2003. It ran for one month ( long story, trusted the wrong person) I need to have a ring gear welded on. It is equivelant to a fly wheel. I had the price quoted at $250 for the work & $60 for towing.
Recently I found a person who will put the part on for $200. hopefully there is not much else it needs. maybe belts & hoses. Well since I started working in March. I have been trying to save monies to get it fixed. It will cost a little under $300 total to get it legal to drive. that is unless we need more parts.
We only have the 1979 C-10 which we bought in 1999. It now has its 4th engine & 5th rebuilt transmission. We had the rear end replaced last year. we were out of wheels for like 7 weeks. You really know who your true friends are when you don't have transportation. One freind/ neighbor was charging us $20 for a ride to town. 34 miles one way. They had newer car when prices were under $2.00.
So I have been using the monies I have been saving to get my truck on the road to keep the 79 running. used tires, battery, altenator so far & my neurologist who was $250 cash.
Now it is in desperate need of the front end. It reminds me of a roller coaster when you are starting up the hill. that is what it feels like. I was praying on the way home that we would safe & protected.
I do not know really which one to put the money in right now. what would you do?
Your life is so similiar to mine. I hate smelling my AH's breath when he's drunk. I hate listening to his stupid drunk babble that make no sense. He pees the bed when drunk and sometimes even more than just pee! I'm going to videotape him and show him the tape of what I have to look at, listen to, etc. It's not attractive. He also wants sex when he's drunk. Disgusting! I don't want it with someone who's slurring, farting and desparately trying to keep it hard! Good luck with taking care of yourself. I didn't order my life this way either.
I know how hard it is living with an A. They suck the life out of you if you let them huh! Have you gone to f2f meetings? This helps so much and it helps to get out of the house too if you know what I mean. When I started going to f2f I used it as an excuse to just get away because it got so badddddd...but then I started forming friendships and going out to lunch with these great people who had experience and wisdom. I then started looking at the meetings as God Sends.....I needed them...
I wish I can make this go away for you but just remember that God gives you as much as he thinks you can handle and you can handle this he says...
I don't think any of us would have planned for a life like this, but....according to Sylvia Brown in her Book of Dreams....we make our charts of how our lives go BEFORE we are born. Well, if that is the case-- what the heck was I THINKING???? (can we go back and change them somehow--I'd like too! ) Anyway, I can feel what you are going through--my husband is the addict in my life--now recovering addict (crack). Things may not look so good now, but if you keep working your program things will get better!
Find your tickets and come to SC--it's hot here and the beach is a WONDERFUL place to relax and think. I go to the beach all the time. It may sound funny--but it's been great therapy for me through my h/a's addiction. When I stand (or sit) and stare out into the ocean, I realize that it is SO HUGE and I am but a small "dot" compared to it--I am one person, and there is always someone else out there with a bigger problem than mine. Thinking about it this way, I'll accept what I have right now, and wouldn't trade it for anything. (I'd like too) LOL.
I believe that our HP's (mine is God) give us no more than he or she feels like we can handle. Lifes' little tests. Going through one of them will make us stronger and teach us more wisdom. Having an addict in my life, is nothing I would wish on my worst enemy--but in a way, for as crazy as this may sound, I am thankful that I had the "experience" because without it, I would have never been able to learn so much about myself, and make changes that only I can make. Al-Anon has helped me so much, and I am thankful these meetings exist.
Hightide
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"Taking one day at a time, Brining me one day closer to recovery."
If I have no expectations of my addict, then I'll have nothing to be disappointed about."
