The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been a heck of morning already and the day has just begun. Last night was a doozy too. My A wanted "Family Time" o.k. I'll take that its not everyday that he says he wants it. So I obliged him. We attempted to take the kids to a new restaraunt, but unfortunately the restaraunt was super busy and taking forever to get our meal. Meanwhile its going on 8 pm and my kids are cranky and edgy. Part of sobriety and I think just a plain defect in behavior for my A is the inability to be relaxed and flexible. He lets everything get to him. So of course he gets angry with the boys because they are not acting well in a public place. He says we're getting the food to take home. I kept my mouth shut, but at some point I had to say calm down. He didn't take this well. So I left him there to get the food and brought the kids in the car. Meanwhile, I'm frustrated because I let another Wed. night go by with out my meeting.
I got home fed them, put them down and began reading. At least I was able to read some lit. I started thinking yep my life is unmanageable. Work is crazy and getting tougher. I'm only going to get done what I can. I spend a lot of time taking care of the kids, the house, the A. He gets what he wants when he wants it. I go without. Why? If he's happy I'm happy, well that doesn't seem to be the case. After this morning with my kid pooping in his underpants before school, running late for work, not feeling like I can get ahead. I let my A know I need set days to take care of myself. He gets all the time he wants, he coasts, I have to carve out time just to relax and have a bubble bath. I have made excuses that my kids come first, I won't pay a sitter, I don't have money to pay a sitter. I use a great deal of excuses that at the time seem really important and valid, but its causing me to lose touch with myself. I'm not sure when I'll get me time this week, I will have to plan it because I can't always count on my A. I really need to sit down and see what in the h*** I do with my time all day. I'm pretty tired when I get home, I want more energy to do the things I want to do. Maybe I'd feel relief and happier. Some of the things I want to do I don't need a baby sitter for, just getting it out and doing it. Just a vent... have a great day.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Your post made me go back and reread something I read in ...In All Our Affairs last nite. Caving in to them as to not incur their wrath, losing ourselves. I've done that alot and I still catch myself doing it w/ my A in recovery. P78 if you happen to have the book. :)
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Thanks for sharing this, I am soo sorry you are hurting right now.
Now the ramblings of a newbie who is looking very hard at this disease. (my disclaimer - LOL)
I think one of the things that make this program so sucessful is that A'ism fairly predictable (in a non-sense unpredictable kind of way). If you read the stories, change the names, picture different places and circumstances, the basic behaviors of the A and reaction by us is very similar.
The effects on us as bystanders is also very similar. We love them, and we don't want to do anything to upset them on purpose. All of a sudden we find that being ourselves and doing what's generally right... upsets them. <sigh> Starts some very unhealthy behaviors in us.
The second thing that is so wonderful about this program I find, is that a side effect of dealing with A'ism for years seems to make us yearn for carrying on a reasonable conversation. That helps us help each other. We all come from a situation that is unmanageable (I am still there LOL). Guess it is ridiculous to consider that pain a strength, but it sure has opened me up.
Someone very dear to me keeps saying, everyone needs validation and it's impossible to get that from someone who is unreasonable. I so appreciate this place as you all provide that to me.
If I can offer you anything... let it be: you have a right and a responsability to do for you, so you are healthy and happy for you and your childeren.
Keep working it, you are doing great!
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 11:31, 2006-06-15
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
OK, am i hungry??? tired????? angry????? lonely????? usually i hit ONE of these "halt" issues
if it is tired??? ok, i make list....what do i need to do FIRST today??? 2nd??? 3rd???...i set LIMITS on me and what i can do in one day....and beleive me i cannot DO LIFE more than one day at a time....and it makes it "doable" for me thinking in terms of "odat"
the stuff that can wait??? or i can get help on???? i assert my needs.......detachment...taking care of me......a "quick and dirty" step TEN....just to see and i ask me "hey hows it goin?? how R U feeling???" and if i breathe deeeeep from my belly and LISTEN, my HP gives me something to "go on"...........just my take, use what works, dump the rest, rosie
