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I do so much reflection in my undergraduate work. Somehow I hadn't transfered that to this board. I was talking to a friend yesterday about the board and how I haven't read back over the many posts I have written. Funny that I only got to late January before I found something that almost broke my own heart.
There is intense change happening in our house right now. I have made some choices that are healthy for me and now I am having some awarenesses about how my past actions have been hurtful to my children especially. I had written about something that happened with my 15 year old daughter, she had forged a note and suffered some consequences at the school level for it. What I did with that situation I see now did not help me build trust with my daughter. I grounded her from her friends for the entire weekend after she had already been punished by the school. Here I find out that her grades are suffering lately and I paused only for a second to realize that she doesn't trust me. That bothered me. We are slowly rebuilding trust and she is now having real conversations with me again. It isn't because I am caving into her every whim.
For me the real shift happened when I made a decision for myself to not allow anyone else to influence how I think about my children. In the past I was very concerned about the judgment they/I would recieve about their actions. Therefore, I would run around in circles trying to make everything ok so they would not feel the brunt of that. What I am now realizing as the fog clears is that I was jeopardizing my relationship with my girls because of that. I was allowing someone to get in between me and my precious girls. By taking that stand for myself I freed up so much mental capacity I cannot even tell you. Those of you who have experienced this understand.
Today I choose to take a stand for the way I believe my girls should be raised. They need to feel love coming from me first, regardless of what actions they exhibit. All of those things that they do are just ways of getting attention for the most part. If I shower my babies with love, what need will there be for them to try and get my attention in unhealthy ways. I am not a fool, children are children and they will do many of those things irregardless. What I now know is that I cannot punish them past the point of no return, it costs me their trust.
The more trust I give, the more love I give, the more I will see it returned to me. So it really is a selfish act if you look at it closely (giggle). All I can say is I will take ALL the hugs I can get. These hugs are the ones that make a mommy want to cry with love. My babies really love and trust me again and NO ONE will get in the way of that ever again.
I can relate. And I have a part in it and quite frankly I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
My daughter shared w/ me yesterday that she hit a kid at school but he is very fast so she practically missed twice. This kid was antagonizing her.
So...my answer was that while I understood the kid was getting to her that she can't hit him, that she'd end up w/ both of them in trouble, up to suspended and not just him. She defended the behavior and I took a usual tact (which doesn't work, and I keep doing it so I must be insane, lol) and explained that when she gets older if she just goes off and hits everyone that pisses her of she will get in alot of trouble. She was yelling at me at this point, she screamed "this is why I don't talk to you!". I asked her what other options were available, she said that she told the school counselors and they will 'talk to him' but that only brings on more ire for tattling.
Does anyone have any es&h, on what to say in these situations?
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Keep repeating that violence is never the answer. Go with her to school and talk to the counselor. Explain her fear for telling on the student. There are ways inwhich the school can claim to know what is happening without revealing your daughter as the source( ie a teacher witnessed the offense etc) You can try to teach your daughter these words "your not worth it " She can said these words outloud or to herself instead of hitting back which will result in her getting a suspension or worse. Kids are afraid that they will appear weak but you can explain that they maybe shouldn't care what some people think. They are not worth it. Finally remember that kids really want us to give them a reason to chang their behaviour. Hope this helps.
I admit I had to laugh a little because this post started as a reply I wrote to your post back in January about our teenagers.
I hope I can offer a little ESH here for you. These words actually come through me from another person, so don't think they are MY words but I have had some success with them, ok? What was shared with me is ask yourself 2 questions. 1) What can you do or say to change what happened? in your case, not much cause she already hit the kid. 2) What can you do or say to change what happens next? Ok that is where it gets a little sticky. She yelled at you that “this is why I don’t talk to you” My question hon, is… where you trying to talk to her or where you trying to tell her what to do? Force yourself out of the AFFECTS of what is happening and focus on what is hurting your daughter. You know this violence is symptomatic of what has been happening in your home for basically her entire life. Ask her what IS making her happy, then ask yourself what can you do to contribute to her happiness? The best thing you can do, in my eyes is to take care of you and YOU BE HAPPY. If you are yelling and angry and judgmental - she will shut down. Sure it is embarrassing and pisses you off that she hit a kid and got in trouble. SO WHAT! You know I love you sooo much bumpy you have helped me in so many ways. As I have been able to find my happiness, my kids ARE following along, they don’t trust it wholeheartedly yet but it is MY job to show them love and trust - they will learn to have faith in me again. I make that MY intention and I do it by looking at the positive and how to build that trust with them. See past the affects my dear friend, see past her pain, she is dying to tell you all about it. Be patient, show her love, and she will come to you when she is ready. Love you!!!
