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Hello precious alanoners. I haven't posted for awhile but I've been here.Been going to meetings.I am currently reading 'getting them sober'.It's mostly for people with active A's which I do not have,but still I am learning a lot.
Things have fallen apart between my AH and his online girlfriend.He told me tonite he is through with her.He said he is going to start wearing his wedding ring again.He said we are still married until we are divorced "as I had said". This is what he is referring to.I went to church last Sunday,first time in a long time.It was a new church I had not gone to before.I had stopped wearing my wedding ring about a month ago when I finally got it into my head that the marriage is over.But sitting in church I felt it was wrong.I felt that in God's eyes I AM married (also legally) and it was wrong to present myself as available to any man who might be interested.Does anyone else understand that??
Anyway,when I came home I told my AH that I was going back to wearing it and why.Every time I try to tell him how I feel about something he thinks I am judging him or telling him what to do!(He hadn't been wearing his ring either) He got upset that day.I always walk away feeling like I just CAN"T TALK to him about ANYTHING!! So tonite it went the same way.I was trying to explain ( and I just read in that book today "DON'T TRY TO EXPLAIN", I forgot already!) how I thought it might be dishonest to not wear the ring but I am just trying to work thru it and decide how I really feel.He does not let me finish a sentence,he tries to anticipate what I am going to say and gets mad about it before I even have a chance to say what I want to say.Then as I TRY to get a word in he says " I don't want to hear anymore.That's it!I've heard enough.I won't wear the d...m thing!" So now it's an argument.This scene has played out a thousand times in my life with him.I never attributed it to his disease,just thought he was a jerk.But I would get over it,we would eventually laugh about something,it would be dropped until the next time and the next.
Last night a fellow AA member picked him up for a meeting.They have been riding together for about a month or so,usually the other guy drives.He was only gone maybe 10 minutes and he was back.He had slipped his arm in the seatbelt but didn't latch it.He does this sometimes because the seat belt bothers his neck.The guy who was driving said in his car he expects people to wear their seatbelts.My AH got mad and said then this will be the last time he rides with him and the guy brought him back home.This is the way my A is.He can be such a jerk!And this is SOBER!!
So I came upstairs tonite because obviously we were not going to be able to talk,and I started thinking about this.I know that as I learn skills to communicate with him and learn how to talk to him and what not to say, and do, things CAN get better.Just by ME changing things will improve.I believe that.It actually has only gotten really bad since I tried to become my own person ( without alanon ) a couple of years ago.Before that I walked on eggshells and agreed with him all the time and had no self.I have found a self now and I want to express it.I cannot do that with him.Even with the alanon skills I am afraid I will never be able to express myself because HE will not change.The thing is, I WANT to be able to think out loud with my man.I WANT to express how I feel without being attacked for it.I'd like to be able to brainstorm with him or discuss how I FEEL.I am starting to think that "just ain't happenin ".
He actually asked me yesterday to take him back.He said he is giving her up. 6 months ago I would have said yes.And things would have gone back to the way they were with me being a caricature of myself to keep him happy.I can't go back.I am starting to like me.I am seeing that I have value as a person, as a wife,as a friend.I no longer want to put myself on the back burner while he stands in the light that I am holding on him.I want the light too.And I would like to have a man who will stand in the light WITH me.
We still have not sold the house so I guess anything could happen.But right now I don't want him back.I told him I am not making any decision about that until the house is sold.Knowing him he will take that to mean he is free to keep looking for my replacement.I can only hope and pray he finds one.
Hello, drucilla, I can hear a lot of growth in Program in your post. I think you are sounding real clear on what is ok for you, what you want, and what you don't want. It works, if you work it! Blessings, mebjk
You are describing my husband to a "T", believe me. The anticipating what they think you will say before you even say it, and then getting mad at what you did NOT say and then turning it into an argument, LOL.
I call it "fantasy conversations".
When my husband does that to me I ask him to tell me when he is through having fantasy conversations in his head so that we can REALLY talk. Usually this does not happen, he is too nuts, LOL, he can't help himself and keeps on screaming while I find a way to get away.
And that seat belt story really made me laugh, that could have been my husband word for word (except that he would not be going to AA). I too say he is just a jerk as he also is a big a jerk when he is sober as when he is drunk.
My husband has all kinds of stupid, asinine reasons for sabotaging social situations so he can stay home and does not have to try. One time my friend's husband invited him to do something with him while my friend and I went shopping. He asked my husband what he liked to do. My husband said (and this is word for word) "I like to do peaceful things...like stare at trees....do you like to STARE AT TREES?", LOL. Well, it worked...it had the desired effect, my friends husband thought he was nuts and stayed away from him and started avoiding him.
Now the wedding ring thing...I too went through that when my husband had an internet girlfriend (OK, several, he was waiting for one to come through with some offers of cash to support him and pay for his divorce from me). My husband took off his wedding ring and a few weeks later, left it on the floor in the living room on top of a pile of EVERYTHING I and daughter had ever given him in ten years of marriage. Every shirt, sock, tie, book, sweat pants, card, art projects, quilts, etc. that we had ever given him was thrown into a pile in the middle of the floor. I hurried up and put it in a box in my closet before daughter saw it.
I found out about the internet girlfriends and confronted him and he did not like it. We were separated for a while. One day he wanted to try again. I too was torn with the "he is still my husband" stuff and he laid the guilt trip on too...that all he had done was "fantasy in his head and on a screen" that he had not actually committed adultery.
I too had healed my broken heart by that time and moved on. I had already seen a laywer and filed for divorce.
However, my husband seemed truly sorry and I took my marriage vows seriously, so I gave him another chance.
It did not happen overnight...it took me about six more months to give him his ring back. My husband had to do a lot of EFFORT in that time to show he was sorry. He started out by making amends...he bought a new sofa to replace the one he had peed in while drunk a hundred times, and fixed the wall in the bathroom shower that he had sawed a hole through when drunk ("to see what was back there", SIGH). He also helped me clean out the entire garage, and really made some real efforts...empty promises were not enough for me, he had to show through actions.
All I can say is that you have nothing to lose to try again IF you WANT to. You can always leave him if things don't work out...
For myself at least I think I would like that better...LOL...that I be the one to call the shots and leave HIM if I don't think the second chance is working out, LOL.
I have found that my husband took very seriously the fact that he almost lost me. Even though he is still doing that "fantasy conversation" thing and is still a jerk many times, I have not seen any sign of internet girlfriends. In many ways things are better for the most part also, OK, he is still a jerk in many ways but is no longer so quick to act like one with pride and joy. I am not sorry I gave our marriage a second chance...
