The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has a pattern of intense relationships with others. He starts off well with idealizing. They are the greatest, they love him, they are all buddies. There are needless to say not that many boundaries there. It has got better I must say. A few years ago (before I had a program too) he had a friend who asked to come and live here for nothing. He wanted to live with us a year rentfree. He seemed to think nothing of using the phone, eating all the groceries and drinking all the bottled water too. I had a real song and dance with him over that one. I felt absolutely abandoned, left out and totally trashed. That man eventually wedged himself very sucessfully between the A and me and virtually destroyed the relationship. On some level he did destroy something because I feel very little trust for the A as a result.
Eventually this guy went back to a long suffering wife who was practically institutionalized over his antics. Then there was another guy who was so far along in his alcoholism it was hard to follow his conversations. He once had a successful life but then it was gone. Right now he is on the brink of homelessness and really living on a low level (the only thing that counts is getting enough to drink) he has it all dressed up of course but that is basically it. I tried to be nice (but not the slavish people pleasing I had been) to this one, I did find myself incredibly jealous at times by the amount of time the A spent with him Eventually I detached. One night I got pretty mad because we were supposed to go on a scenic drive with him and it turned out the A's friend did not know where he was going. Nevertheless I set limits.
Now the A has a new friend and I feel the same old familar sinking feeling. On some levels I would welcome him being gone (I prefer in some ways having more space around the house) on another I wonder what marvel he has come up with this time. I don't ask much but I do set a lot more limits around people coming to the house (the one who nearly moved me out and himself in taught me that) and I don't try to entertain much. I know this is an A trait, the putting the friends on a pedastel and I can watch with some detachment.
There are days though that I wonder what happened to my idea of togetherness. I do know that I put aside a lot of that by coming to this program. I put aside my fantasy of the A getting better without a program, shaping up, wanting a relationship, looking at his issues. I work super hard on myself and really detach from him. At the same time we live in the same house and there are times when his tantrums (even when they are not directect at me) and his chaos are super difficult to take. I have more outs now than I did but I don't know that I have really worked on all the ways of coping and taking care of myself I can access.
I totally get what you are saying. I have been through the exact same thing before. What helped me the most was setting boundaries when I was calm. Knowing that I can only control my actions not the actions of others and focusing in on that. Don't wait for the shoe to drop...bury it before it can fall on your head!
I know ACOA's (adult children of alcoholics/addicts) put ppl on pedestals too, idealizing others, ppl pleasing b/c this is what we have been ingrained with... 'we don't matter' so we seek to please. I go from totally being irresposnible to my normal taking responsibility for everything, perfectionism... it all just makes you insane (ultimately) & they are old tapes I have to consciously look at everyday to replace with healthier patterns of thought & behavior.
"There are days though that I wonder what happened to my idea of togetherness." -Maresie
It is no wonder, when a partner is giving their "all" to any other past time, occupation or habit... basically if you aren't 100% whole & willing to give the same, inherently the relationship will suffer. Relationships at their best take work, commitment & willingness. Before I got married our Priest counselled us for 6 weeks. He said that this was the "beginning of our relationship" and that "you don't take each other for granted."
You ask for ESH, so I am here to support you. Maybe it is a good time to implement some new boundaries so this new friend does not become another drain on your relationship, at least inside of your home.
There are a lot of opportunities I decline b/c I know A's will be there & I haven't detached enough to not allow them to get under my skin, so I don't put myself in those situations, anymore. I feel like I'm losing my family half of the time but in truth, that decision has been made without me, now I'm just trying to protect & preserve my sanity.
Still I struggle with self-love & self-nurturing but if I don't do it for me, no one will. I just try to replace new behavior from the old tapes, I find being pro-active, even if it is prayer & nothing else, extremely effective. One of these days loving myself won't seem so foreign, so far it has been a difficult road for me.
It's amazing how we (acoa's) can be great cheerleaders for others & be the 1st to critisize ourselves but I am trying hard to keep from "stinkin' thinkin'" and tell myself "I am worth it!"
Lots of love & encouragement, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My "A" had his "A" brother move in once. OMG, never again. He moved in and the fighting started with me and my "A". This was also pre-alanon. This man was so childish, he would eat something and then lie about it. My "A" now knows family or no family, no one is moving in.
My "A" has boundary issues with his friends. Over the years I have been able to sense it from the introduction to his "friends". He gets so upset over my not liking them, because he knows I am right. He has said so after the end of a "friendship".
The best thing I do is I do things for me. The kids and I still have our family time, I have my friends, and I take care of me. Sure I miss him, but it is my "A" that is missing the most.
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
but I am trying hard to keep from "stinkin' thinkin'" and tell myself "I am worth it!"