The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i just found out that my ah sold somethings that i was planning on selling. and really it should be about the money considering i am overdrawn, have no income currently and he has given me 60 dollars in the past 3 months as "support" for 3 kids. but it isn't about the money. it is about him not telling me. i am so furious that when (and if) he calls tonight i don't know how i am NOT going to lose it on him. i have been snippy and snotty all day to my kids. they have done nothing at all wrong it's just me. i swear i feel like i am going to lose it. it just keeps building up. i do wonder when i am going to get just a little break from the stress. i want to throw a tantrum like my 3 year old does. maybe she's got the right idea? honestly i don't know what to do with all this pent up anger besides slam him with it. i mean he is a total shmuck. he is/has done absolutly nothing to help, support, contribute. i know i am totally justified in everything i am feeling but oh i don't know. i feel very far from my program right this minute.....any esh?
My only ESH would be that although you feel that you'd like to "slam him", deep down, you know it won't do a damn bit of good. That energy and effort would be far better used on you, and your recovery. Slamming an active A, for being insensitive and not being accountable, is pretty much an exercise in futility.
Just my opinion....
"He will either drink (or sell your stuff, etc) or he won't..... what are YOU gonna do?"
Tom
p.s. I love your nickname - that movie - "Serendipity", is one of my favorite romantic comedies of all time!
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well I am glad that you could come here. My A has so often put us into financial jepardy I have lost count on the times. I work pretty hard on extricating myself on all the financial stuff. I don't think it happens overnight. I think A's bur a lot of boundaries. My a thinks most of my stuff is his and presumes a lot. I don't presume anything anymore and I don't presume he won't throw us into financial crisis either. He lives on the edge of it all the time. I have stopped volunteering help for him. I used to worry and anticipate crisis now I let them happen and deal with them as they happen or watch them happen and dont' offer anything.
I used to spend a lot of time and energy resenting him and his actions. Now I detach from them, some days it is not as easy as others. I find coming to this room essential to the process of detaching and I definitely have not been doing that enough. I also work hard on my own goals. How can you take care of you these days? How can you have time to enjoy life. Yes it is possible to enjoy life with no money and an A to deal with. I work super hard on finding opportunities to take time for me and being kind to me. I used to crave that the A would do it. He didn't ever do it. I got a few golden crumbs every now and then that was it. Nowadays I do it for me. I took today to decompress and take care of me and I feel so much better. I do not make time for that Do you?
I say slam his useless butt if it will make you feel better. But it is true that it will not do any good and you will more than likely regret all or part of it. I decided I would no longer give my EX AH any of my emotions. When you state your boundaries calmly and without anger you gain control and keep the upper hand. I have found when I lose it they just think I am mad and do not listen to a damn thing I am saying.
thank you all. he called and i kept it light like i have been doing. i asked him when he sold the stuff and he said he didn't. oh well. didn't make any difference anyway. thank you for helping me to keep the focus on me. the evening turned out not too bad! thanks again all!
Something that helps me, I write a letter to my "A". I let it get as nasty as I can get it. I get all the anger out in the letter. I never give it to him, but I get it out. It helps me so much. Then I call my sponsor. She helps me get back into an alanon frame of mind.
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
