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I don't know why I have waited so long to talk to anyone about this, my husband has been sober for 3 years now. But I still can't get passed the pain of the past. And I still don't trust him. We have 2 beautiful daughters 3 and 9 months old. I love my husband but I still hate him at the same time. He still goes to AA meetings, not all the time, but sometimes when he does go he doesn't come home. This just started lately and I feel that everytime I start to trust him again he does this. He says he isn't doing anything when he does this he claims that its panic attacks or that he doesn't know why he's doing this, but I just don't know. When he gets into these strange moods his whole face changes. He looks scared, talks funny (sort with a lisp) and he even walks funny. Almost like a scared child. I just blow up and completely degrade him. I know that this is horrible but I just can't seem to help it. I get so angry that I want to start smashing things and scream. I feel that he hurts me when he does this and I have to hurt him back some how.
I hope someone can help me understand why this is happening to me,
Welcome Liz, and hope you can find many of the answers to your questions here, and in Al-Anon.... I'm certainly no expert, but have gone through a lot of similar experiences.... The trust and anger issues are indicators of how sick YOU have become via this alcoholism, and you need some help to get past it.... Most of that help is on the "spiritual" side of things, that can be achieved through finding out more about yourself, what YOU need, want, etc., and the doors of Al-Anon, sponsorship, MIP, sharing, and YOUR recovery are likely the key...
I wish you well in your journey... You have come to a good starting place...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome to this really fantastic group. I hope you will make this place your home. I have been here for 6 months and find the groups, this board and so many of the people here unbelievably helpful. 6 months ago I was in crisis all the time, fearful and very very angry. I can still get angry but it doesn't go on all day anymore. Did the A change, probably some. I do not see signs of substance abuse in him. The fact is though without a program there is not much chance of that sticking. He has changed some of his relationships, leaving behind some people who were really stuck in their alcoholism. I had nothing to do with that, no ulimtatums, no shrieking, no screaming, no feeling devastated. He let go of that relationship without my input.
In my own life much has changed, I am working. I felt too wrung out to work before. I am working on taking care of me (that is a huge piece of work). I work on taking care of my animals too. The A and I share the animals but I end up taking care of them. Do I feel resentful about that not at the moment.
Do I still have a lot of issues from the past to process - sure. The issue is that the issues of the past no longer dominate my present.
I would not say my A and I have a wonderful life, far from it. Is it better than it was 6 months ago, undoubtedly. Who changed, me. Who made the effort- me. And most of the effort was in detaching from him and letting go of the toxic way I over reacted.
I can't say it was easy. There is no question this board and the chat room in particular really helped me. I also think working the program, having a sponsor (albeit a long distance one) really helped me too.
I was laying in bed one night and a PSA (public service announcement) came on the TV for alanon. I remember their line so well... "You can see what their drinking is doing to them, but can you see what its doing to YOU?" Even when they find AA and sobriety, they are still having to deal with their own issues and change. Unless we too are in some kind of recovery program, those changes can be just as hard on us. Both need to find new ways of living, of relating, and this is what our program helps us to do. Yes, we have hurt, anger, pain, sadness, etc. from the drinking days. Yes, we need to find a way of releasing these feelings and being able to move on. Al-Anon can help us with this. I finally got to the end of my rope and reached out for help. I've never regretted it. My life has changed so much for the better, and continues changing. I continue growing every day, and am so thankful I found this program.
Keep coming back and sharing, it can get better!!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Hello Eli , I am assuming that you are not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself I hope that you consider doing that soon . It is the best way to support our sober A's that i know of ,your fears are normal , Al-Anon will answer your questions for you and help to keep the focus on you and your own recovery. The A is not the only person who needs to change we both do,and with two programs in the home u have a pretty good chance of making it.
You have two children you owe it to yourself to calm down and enjoy sobriety, the behavior your describing could be :dry drunk " where they act as if they are drinking same behavior etc it is a chemical thing that just happens they are not aware of it either.
Your anger is also normal we have been hurt but u need a place to get rid of it and securing a sponsor in our program will help alot. you need to talk it out with people who understand and the A is not the person to do that with it only creates more guilt for him which he dosent need and I would bet u don't feel good about yourself when u launch yourself into that kind of behavior either.
Recovery takes time so many changes it is very confusing for all concerned please try and find a meeting in your area for yourself as soon as possible . There is a line in our literature that says we are willing to do anything to help them EXCEPT get off thier backs and let them do it thier way . AA will take care of him time to let Al-Anon take care of you Louise
He might also be doing drugs or something but my AL anon sponsor has told me to keep the focus on myself and even when my AH relapses, which is often, (and he always denies it, BTW), his drinking or sobriety is none of my business.
If he is doing anything, you will know in God's time. I always find out the truth sooner or later.
Like for instance, this time I found out when I couldnt find him for 3 days and I went on the Sherrifs department website and saw he had been arrested for ANOTHER DUI.
We cant do anything to prevent thier bottom, unfortunately, even a sober dry drunk bottom. All I can do is work my program and miraculous things happen all around me that have no apparent connection to my program.
its hard!!! ONCE someone breaks my trust, its almost impossible to win it back....oh i can forgive with BIG boundaries, but is it ever the same??? not for me......unless it is an honest human blunder, the relationship pretty much changes...
my Ex used to make broken promises to me.....so i quit believing him.....he tried to make amends, and "clean up his act" i forgave, but to a point....he busted my trust...broke my confidence....and yeah, i wanted to "get him back"
as to the acting weird??? if i were in ur shoes, i would detach from this and "marry" the program....
12 steps 12 steps 12steps......AND a good sponser.......AND lots of meets.......i know for me i had a wagon load of anger, i mean 18 months to 20 months of venting/ screaming/ beating chairs with tennis racquets B4 i could get to the grief layers i am in now
my Ex didn't cause the most of my pain, my father did....i married a jerk like him, the only thing my EX wasn't was a child offender like my father....but he was a mean bastard....a liar.....a cheat......just no damned good.....
funny i am typing about my ex and i am GRATEFUL he did come into my life, otherwise i may have NEVER gotten MAD enuf, to deal with the root issues ever.....it would still take years for me to get into 12 steps, on i went to support groups, but had NO CLUE as to "ok, i know what is wrong, HOW do i overcome it???" the 12steps did that for me....but my EX being in my life showed me that i had TONS of old baggage to work out.........anyway, i am getting off the subject here......i read ur post and it made me remember some stuff
what i was saying to U, is that when i got here, i got EVERYTHING on the 12steps i could dig up.....books/ workbooks/ on line excercises...all on the 12steps, self help books on anger/ fear/ U name it......conference approved literature and i work the steps, read the literature and i do a "journal share" on it....in private mostly but i share with u guys some stuff too......i talk with my co sponser, i go to meets, mostly on line, but f2f too.........the big thing is TALKING about it with TOTAL honesty.....willingness to change.....openess to a new way of thinking........i truly believe if i were in a cave, with just me and my higher power and a bunch of 12steps books/workbooks, etc, i COULD improve, cuz honesty begins with SELF..and HP.....and after that?? to SAFE others to share with
Hi Liz. I am not so sure that trust and anger issues are an indication of how sick WE are; more an indication of how a normally reasonable person reacts to past experiences. It takes a long time to rebuild those feelings back to positive ones. But it does happen. Meantime come back often where the people here understand and care.
I am going to take the liberty to quote rosie here:
"it's hard!!! ONCE someone breaks my trust, its almost impossible to win it back....oh i can forgive with BIG boundaries, but is it ever the same??? not for me......unless it is an honest human blunder, the relationship pretty much changes..."
Rosie says a lot here, which I agree with, so don't feel like you are alone in your emotions.
Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
