The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How hard is it to allow others the ability to do that? Maybe that doesn't make sense, but over our 15 year marriage I have found that my AW talks to me in riddles.
I guess that since I am a man and women are legendary for being misterious and hard to understand, that I assumed i was just doing something wrong. I carried a lot of guilt around because she would say something direct, I would act on it only to find she meant for me to do the opposite. <sigh>
Did we teach each other to communicate (or miscommunicate) that way? Is this a common trait of the disease since they spend so much time covering their emotional tracks?
In the past few days my AW's emotions have really bottomed out. She is just beside herself. In order to not add to that I have tried to stay out of it. Not ignore her, but not go overboard trying to save her either.
Last night she was very solomn and made some griding comments about me, but answered her own question by saying... " but I have figured out what I have to do"
Same comment this morning after she let me have it for another "I acted on what she said, not what she meant" moment.
You have no idea how tempted I was to say.... so what is this new plan. But you know, it's her plan and I hope it works for her. It is not important for me to know until she decides I need to know.
I really feel that over time I have started treating her like one of my kids. I didn't do it on purpose, but that is what it boiled down to. All this time I thought I was expressing my love for her by jumping in, decoding the messages, saving the day and the reality is I was enabling her and challenging her ability to be an adult.
Now that I realize that in me, I have a responsability not to do that anymore, so that's my new pledge. It amazes me what I see when I take the time to really look. I hate that I didn't do it sooner, but maybe I really needed to be squashed down low enough to start at the begining. LOL
Had no idea what I was going to put in this message... just opened it up and started typing. Thanks for listening and hope you have a wonderful day!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I understand ..the disease wants you to take care of it, but it never wants you to feel that you are doing enough, because it is always hungry. The one thing that the insidiousness of this disease didn't get right, for me, is that it kicked me when I was down.
Had it just let me help, had it just rewarded me for being the sweet enabler I'd become, it would have won. But even as far into as I had let myself get, something happened in the offensiveness of being insulted and taken further advantage of, when I knew I was doing all I could to go along, that made me turn for help. Made me realize I was losing my own self. And that, as horrible an awakening as it was, was really the turning point for me, and the point in which this disease will not conquer our family, because now help is available and pouring in.
Stupid disease, couldn't learn to play nice? Thank God
When I was reading your post I had to laugh about the fact that women sometimes tend to not say what they mean, and expect others to know what they mean without saying it. That has been a huge downfall in the communication with my hubby. So I have had to be real mindful of what I am saying when I talk to him and not expecting him to read between the lines.
Now the reason I found humor in your post is because of work. My supervisor is a man and he supervises three ladies and another guy. During our meetings he needs a translator when talking to us because the three of us can say something and know what the other meant and totally have our sup confused. What confuses him even more is that one of my co-workers and I have been working together for 3 years, almost 4. She and I can communicate without even speaking in complete sentences. He has nicknamed us Laverene and Shirley.
So actually you helped me to see that I need to be real mindful of what I am not saying at work to.
Thanks!
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
This is a huge problem in my home always has been. My A does not speak in complete sentences. Sometimes he makes a comment about something we talked about 10 minutes ago. I have to ask what are we talking about again? He gets frustrated and says I'm talking English can't you understand me? Well, no I was talking about what up for tomorrow and your still back at yesterday. I think he says what I want to hear to keep me pacified at times. That's the disease that keeps me off its back so I'll stop holding the mirror up to his face. He leaves huge chunks of his daily plans out and gets angry with me because I don't remember what he told me he needed me to do. I get frustrated when i think he's free to help out or do something and he's not, he just didn't tell me. Some days I think am I going crazy, did he tell me this? I'm usually good at remember stuff that he tells me, so I can only guess that he though he said it. He can't understand why people can't follow his conversations well, he really doesn't get that he needs some improvement on communication. Thanks for the post because it reminds me to keep it simple and direct with him. I don't have to repeat myself over and over, once is enough he understands me if I say what I truly mean. Keep up the good work.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Alcoholics like to create diversions......to hide their shame, to hide their drinking, to cover their A@@ or tracks. Sometimes they have memory lapses. They think they told you something, but they didn't---(so that is not your fault, do not take the blame for that one. My spouse always swore up and down he told me this or that. I was not a mind-reader either.) Take care, this disease really messes up communication and more times than ever-----THEIRS!
I think he says what I want to hear to keep me pacified at times. That's the disease that keeps me off its back so I'll stop holding the mirror up to his face. He leaves huge chunks of his daily plans out and gets angry with me because I don't remember what he told me he needed me to do. I get frustrated when i think he's free to help out or do something and he's not, he just didn't tell me. Some days I think am I going crazy, did he tell me this? I'm usually good at remember stuff that he tells me, so I can only guess that he though he said it. He can't understand why people can't follow his conversations well, he really doesn't get that he needs some improvement on communication. Thanks for the post because it reminds me to keep it simple and direct with him. I don't have to repeat myself over and over, once is enough he understands me if I say what I truly mean. Keep up the good work. 