(((Hello Group)))

I love posting here because its a much healthier way for me to get out my thoughts and feelings without venting to the wrong people.  Thank you all for the constant support.  After posting yesterday I began feeling some empowerment and knowing in my spirit that I'm on the right path to recovery.  My sponser has encouraged me to refrain from making big decisions so soon in our recovery.  My A has 3 weeks of sobriety in, that's something he has not had in a while.  I researched financial aid website and plugged some numbers in to see if he would qualify for any Pell Grants.  Suprisingly he does.  I let him know yesterday that he has a lot to think about and so do I.  I let him know that getting married in November is not right for us, as much as I want to I realize that getting married does not change anything.  The changes need to be made with in him and me first.  I explained to him gently that I'm 33 not getting any older, and that I want to be loved back as much as I love someone.  I let him know that if he has any doubts about spending the rest of his life with me, he needs to own up to that and let me know.  I explained that being honest may be scary because yes we would have to seperate the family but I deserve to have the happiness I want and if there is someone out there that's willing to give me what he doesn't want to give me then let me go.  Funny, as I said I really want to hear how much you care about me and hear about the stuff you like about me instead of the stuff that drives you crazy.  He said, well I bought you some flowers and a card today doesn't that count?  I was shocked because i didn't ask for him to do that and its been a long time since he's done anything like that for me. 

I came home to sweet smelling roses and a card that says Thinking of you each and everyday.  Simple but sweet.  I guess its days like yesterday that gives me hope and makes me want to stay.  He received what I said well, I believe he understood for once that I have a life to live too, and I don't want to spend my life with someone who's abusive, irresponsible, and actively using.  He came home from his meeting and we just spent quality time with each other no picking, nagging, expectations, etc.  Just a good night... I hope we have more nights like that.

Tonight we are going to attempt taking one child to my meeting and he'll take one to his, not sure how my meeting will receive having a child there, but I haven't gone in almost two weeks due to everyone being sick.  I need one. 

Blessings,

Twinmom~