I was struck by yesterday's (October 15th) readings in the 4 CAL books.

Specifically, Courage to Change struck a cord with me, it's heavily underlined in my copy and bookmarked.  The 'cutting the strings of resentment' is a very powerful metaphor and I contrast to where I was last year, when I was so caught up in resentment, guilt, grief, blame, doubt, hatred - indeed hatred.  Now I'm over most of those feelings, although there is still bits of resentment that crop up.  I reflect on how far I've come since last year, it's been 18 months since separating from the Q in my life and I'm only just coming out of the fog.  I think there was quite a lot of trauma bonding I was thinking this morning.  I detached quite early and teetered from enabling behaviour, preferring to completely detach and disengage. 

I detached not with love but with resentment and the 'Poor Me's', I'm not at the stage for 'loving' and I don't think I ever will be - but that's OK. 

I do understand that they have a disease and it must be terrible to afflicted with addiction - I used to smoke a lot and gave up (twice!) because the first thing I was doing, what I HAD to do was have a cigarette and a coffee, I realised I was basically addicted and decided that I had to stop, I didn't want to be addicted to a substance.  I have sympathy and understanding, but I can't get over or forgive the actions of her behaviour on me, our daughter and the life I thought I had. 

So the subject of healing and recovery is strong in today's (October 16th) readings.

Courage To Change (15th October):

The most loving form of detachment I have found has been forgiveness. Instead of thinking of it as an eraser to wipe anothers slate clean or a gavel that I pound to pronounce someone not guilty, I think of forgiveness as a scissors. I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or a past hurt. By releasing resentment, I set myself free.

When I am consumed with negativity over another persons behavior, I have lost my focus. I neednt tolerate what I consider unacceptable, but wallowing in negativity will not alter the situation. If there is action to take, I am free to take it. Where I am powerless to change the situation, I will turn it over to my Higher Power. By truly letting go, I detach and forgive.

When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me. I am willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go.

Todays Reminder

Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someones neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead.

A part of me wants to cling to old resentments, but I know that the more I forgive, the better my life works.

. . . In All Our Affairs