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Thank you all for the support over the weekend it was nice to get that out and begin thinking about what I want and what I know I deserve. I deserve the best. I deserve to be with a person who really is committed and loves me as much as I love him. My A is unhealthy. He comes from an unhealthy family of origin and does not feel worthy of love from anyone. His anger and resentment cause him to feel entitled to love and respect but he does not show himself or others that same respect.
Later in the day on Saturday, my A pulled me aside and asked me what my stepdad's attitude was about. I let him know how upset my family was with him because of how they saw him talking to me. He didn't own up to it, said he was defending himself from my nagging and pushing. He said he didn't want to come back to my parents house again because I've ruined any chance of them forgiving him. I suggested we have a family meeting and get his feelings out in the open. He agreed. My parents agreed. My A basically said he felt like he was not respected or welcomed in their home because of the lies I spread around when he was separated from me. My family let him know that they could care less what he did when he was not with me, but could only go by my feelings and the pain I was in. They let him know that he cut off contact with them and made it clear he didn't want to be accepted. My stepdad told him the truth he didn't respect him because his choices in life were not to be respected. Told him he knows he struggles with A'ism and sees how painful its been for him to get sober. Basically told him your 31 years old get your s*** together, get sober, keep a job, stop verbally abusing your partner. He said if you show me that you're getting it together and you guys walk in my house as a happy family unit I'm happy. He was pretty awesome with telling it like is... My A couldn't say much and really didn't even try to back peddle his way out of it. He admitted his problem and said he really wants to stay sober to do what's best for his life and our life.
He has a great deal of growing up to do. He admitted he doesn't know himself and doesn't know how to receive love. He's got issues with family and trust. We could only offer him that love but basically my parents let him know the concessions are almost up. He said talking with them helped, but not sure really where that leaves us. He apologized for his behavior towards me. I checked into student Pell grants for married couples, he probably would qualify for pell grant money. I'm thinking getting married in November this year is not a good idea. If my A doesn't know himself, I'm not sure him saying he wanted to get married was an authentic feeling anyway. I think what I'll let him know is, he's got some work to do on himself and I'm not willing to marry him until I see some major improvements in him. I will allow him until the end of the year to see where his program is, where his head and heart is and where my head and heart is. Until then, I have six months of good work to do on my program and myself. At that point if nothing's changed and he's no more comitted, or communicating any healthier than he is now I think seperating would be good.
I have allowed him to treat me unkindly... even standing up for myself has not changed his actions or words. It will take me saying if you verbally abuse me, use alcohol or drugs, etc. He will not be able to stay in the home or I will leave when I see him getting overly excited. He has people in the program he can stay with if need be. Time will tell if the discussion we all had Sat. night had any impact on him. For me, I learned that he doesn't know himself or his feelings.
I think at this point he feels trapped emotionally because people are finally confronting him with his behavior and saying we no longer accept your behavior. Your an A face up to it and deal with it or we cannot be a part of your life. My parents let him no that they love him, but gaining their trust and respect will take a long time. I think six months is being realistic for myself because it could mean six months of sobriety he never had. Six more months of program for me, six months of counseling for us. Who know's... The flip side, six months to get my plans in order, finances, where will we live, will we have to leave the area, new job, etc. Lots to think on and my past experience seperating in a haste is not always good. Its emotional and chaotic more than it needs to be. Giving myself a time frame gets me mentally prepared to accept what HP wants for us. I will be o.k. my kids will be o.k. and so will my A. Until then I will really need to stick to my boundaries with him. Ultimately if he's getting healthier he'll begin to honor my boundaries in a way he's never done before. If he stays sick and emotionally unhealthy he'll continue to bust through my boundaries and disrespect me, that will set a course in motion either way. Thanks for the support again
Blessings,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It is so inspiring to see how other's situations unfold. Don't have much time today, but wanted to say thanks for sharing that. I really needed to hear some of the points you made in your post.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
In my experience saying well 6 months is enough time for him to do whatever, is like telling someone well you have 6 months to go into remission.
Lets say he does go to AA. Gets on a program of recovery, lets say he goes a year on a good solid program. You guys get married. Then oops he relapses and there you are married to, what you don't want to marry now.
It happens, relapse is part of Aism. I think about it, oh if he is on a program blah blah, but then I think, but do I want to live with him when he is using? Becuz if I agree to marry him in sickness and health, then I am saying I will be with him no matter what. The chances of relapse is a very big reality.
NO thankyou. I cannot do it anymore. The feeling loved and happy, natural fighting, normal, then POW!!! he comes back with, "this house is a dump, I wish I never moved back blah blah", I then feel my heart break, he is using again.
My A had years of sobriety on a program, was such a nice guy. It was normal. Then the medical relapse. Well I never realized what hit me. All of a sudden, I was in the back yard and all of a sudden tools and some new doorknobs came flying over the fence?? I had NO idea what was going on. I was in denial, I was ignorant, it took him getting a dui for me to realize he was drinking.
Even then I thought he was just in an accident. He came in and said, "I was drinking, OK!!??" Like I had done something wrong believing in him.
Anyway, sorry did not mean to go on. It always hits a nerve in me when someone is even considering marrying an A. I can tell you for sure, NO I would never have married him h ad I known what I do now. Never.
I always have to say this is my experience. All I know is AA and the A getting themselves on a personal recovery plan is the only way they have a chance. Going to college for him only adds more pressure. He is a very sick person.
I have seen men on their plans. It is amazing, then I saw them both relapse and hit such ugly bottoms I cannot imagine someone sane staying there, but they do. It is horrible.
I like what you said you planned to do for YOU. That is the key. The more we grow in alanon, the more we come to realize what we want in our program of recovery.
You are thinking and facing deep things. Takes courage. much love,debilyn
I am so proud of you. Ihave read in several of your posts that your "A" does not see your growth, but you see your growth. You have grown so much. Your program is being worked well. And it is so easy to see, from someone who can see it that is.
Keep working it girl, you are doing great.
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Well i don't know that much about grants but a pell grant won't pay for expenses. From what i know it just pays for tuition and books. I am not sure what your boyfriend will live on in the meantime will he get a job what?
I do know that it is often disastorous to quesiton an A. I recently asked my boyfriend something about his finances, he immediately launched into his diatribe I am not being supportive.
I have worked pretty hard during this 6 months on separating my finances from my boyfriends. I have stopped offering to help out, stopped focusing on what he does. He does take care of himself on various levels. Something I do not do. I have spent so much time, energy and so much of my life force on dealing with him I did not have enough left for me.
I think its good for you to take time to sort yourself out, sort out what you want, sort your life out separate from him. Sort out what you need to take care of you.
I am not someone who necessarily advocates leaving anyone. I know how much work it is to leave and to leave in a way that isn't a gesture(which of course I have done over and over). I know how much work it is to unravel my own involvement, caring and inability to let go some days. I also know how it is to care for someone else more than I do for myself. When the A was sick I went over to see one of his friends and had them call him. When I was sick the A did none of that. In fact he is notoriously uncaring when I am ill. I think if I really cared for myself and had good self esteem I would have seen that as a real red flag in the beginning. But I did not have good self esteem, good boundaries, good self care and that is one of the reasons I came here.
I am glad you can separate yourself out, take care of you, take the nuturing your family offers and take time for you.
