The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yep, I did it. I told my husband that I loved him and always would but that if he did not stop smoking pot and drinking and go back to A.A., I was leaving. We had an agreement to stay sober when we got married. We also had an agreement to not leave each other. He brought that up. "You promised you'd never threaten to leave me again." And I said, "Yes, but we also promised to stay sober and you haven't lived up to that." I've been sober for 7 months and am in a spiritual program. I told him that he was free to do whatever he liked but that I need to live in a drug and alchohol free environment. I told him that I have patiently waited for months for him to stop. And he has made no effort. He told me that in return I needed to dress better and wear make-up, that I looked haggard and old. I agreed and told him I would make the effort. He called back and said he was mad and wasn't going to take the kids to the concert, (My teens are visiting us for 2 weeks.) I said, "Fine, I'll take them." He said,"If this is all going to be one-sided and I have to quit and you don't do anything about how you look, then just go on and leave." I told him I would look nicer, that it was no problem. I used to be a model and he loved the way I looked. Now I'm 43 years old and I still wear make-up and have pretty long hair, I weigh more but I'm a size 10-12. I can't tan because I am allergic to the sun now. So It's not like I'm a dog. But we live in La Vegas where the women place all the importance on their 'outsides.' Plus when an addict is spiritually sick they focus on the material more than the spiritual. Are ultimatums wrong? No. As long as I deliver. I told him I wanted to see action taken in the next two weeks. I told him I've already planned out how I'm going to financially make it without him. I told him it was going to be hard for me and that I didn't want it to happen but that I would do it. And I will. I know that I will be taken care of as long as I stay on my spiritual path. He said I was hard. He hung up and didn't say, "I love you," like we always do. But I know this isn't him, it's his disease. I hope he gets help. He's such an awesome guy. I pity him and I have compassion for him. I'm not even angry. I figure I've got 40 more years or so to live and I'd rather take my chances on happiness living alone or with a sober man. I'm detached. I hope I can stay this strong. I know his disease will start firing at me. Thanks for listening. This is my first post.I hope things don't get too crazy while my boys are out here. I was trying to wait and drop the bomb when they left but something that big...I couldn't hold in. Thanks again.
Wow...good for you. You sound like a very strong person. Congratulations on the 7 months of sobriety. You have to worry about yourself and your children and remaining positive.
You are on the right path and it's especially difficult to drag someone along with you who doesn't want to go.
Thanks Lisa...you understand! I appreciate your support. Yes, I will stay strong. I have faith that everything will be ok. whichever way it goes. There is always an open door. I think the worst is over...now that I've made up my mind, I feel more peace. Thanks again
I am sure you look beautiful! I am over the make up thing! I live in Phoenix...It is 110 and it just melts off! Try Banana Boat daily glow moisturizer. It has some self tanner in it and makes your skin look really good. A little concealer and mascara do go a long way. However you do realize that this has nothing to do with you?? The A's just have to make it our fault. I drink & get high but you look old? Whatever! Stay strong! Ultimatums are ok as long as you stick with them. I agree with you that life is too short to deal with this disease in a partner. Especially if they are not working a program.
Hey thanks, Julia. My name is Julia too! I think Phoenix is the only place in the U.S hotter than Vegas! I'll try the self tanner...and yes, I do know it has nothing to do with me. I wasn't hurt at all...I thought it was humorous in a ludicrous way...I mean hey hubby,"Is that all ya' got on me?" I must be keeping my side of the street pretty clean!
First of all, I think it is great that you can just come here on the first post and be so open. I think that it shows a lot of strength. I know my "A" gets scared and lashes out when his addict feels threatened by my program. You are making a good choice by being aware of it.
I think you are so strong. Many, many times that ultimatum has come into my mind, but never passes my lips. Because I don't know if I could follow through with it. And in order to remain strong in my program I can not say it until I am ready for him to finally choose his pot or whatever over me. That's what it is all about. I feel like his pot is his other woman. And I am terrified that he would choose it over me. Don't get me wrong he consistently does it. But the finality of the ultimatum is something I am not ready for. When I am I will be able to. Funny I can't make myself give him an untimatum, but I know I can live without him.
Anyway------
Keep up the good work with your boundaries.
And congratulations of your 7 months. What an achievement that is.
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
