The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is just another day in a long line of new days in our house. I feel nervous about divulging too much info on the message board because I don't feel as safe as I used to. Instead of talking about details, I'll just stick with my feelings :O)
Experiencing a variety of feelings still feels so new to me sometimes. I was so used to shame, blame, and guilt being motivators to everything that I do. Having found internal confidence to express my true feelings and emotions has left me somewhat unnerved. I laugh as I write that because I half expected the opposite to occur. I felt such elation at being honest, a true feeling of being set free. I want desperately to hold onto that feeling. I can't freeze time any better than I can stop or forecast change. I am doing all the things I know I need to do to keep on track mentally and I am having decent success with that. As I type a thought creeps in that it is just possible that all that I am feeling is part of the process of letting go. I mentally made that decision, but it was a BIG decision to let go of this relationship. I have had great success with letting go of smaller things. I don't want to be challenged about what is good for me, and by default good for others. I can't force my life into action now any more than I could in the past. Again, I am thinking as I type (lol) that grieving is a natural process of letting go as well. If I don't allow myself to feel my way through this - it will be bound to me like so many other things from the past. It is also true that this pain I am feeling is familiar from the past as well. I can link it to events from my childhood. So it is no wonder that I am physically a wreck right now.
What I am very grateful for, in this moment, is that I am NOT participating in old behaviors that will only lead me to more bad feelings. I am not reaching out to others in unhealthy ways to fill me up. I am reaching IN. In some ways I feel like there is a dual battle going on. While I am steady on my path, I am also steadfast in my approach to my happiness. I laugh again at myself because it is quite possible that I am attempting to battle my old behaviors. Nothing is ever won in a fight - the focus is on the wrong thing - on the battle. If I continue to focus on what hasn't worked for me, then I will bring it into my consciousness and into my experience.
This little "think aloud" has done wonders for me my dear friends. While I am tempted to delete it, having found a semblance of a solution for myself. I am instead going to offer it up as a learning experience and a reminder to myself of the power of writing out my thinking.
Typing out how you feel, tryin to make sense of it later helps so much...I am learning that myself. I wasnt in the best of spots last night...feeling down for a reason I could not quite pinpoint. Thankfully there was someone I was able to talk with...that listened to me even if it didnt make sense as I typed. I was nervous, and scared typing what I did, as I dont feel I have gotten that close to someone....and just knowing, that now, thanks to my program and the people who have been there for me through all of this; that I can do that..be voulnerable, without fear of it coming back on me....wow....all I can say is wow. I dont know what is down the road for me, it is as foggy as pea soup. I have to trust myself, and HP that I am right where I need to be right now. And that things will happen in my life if they are ment to. Not by my time but his. So I am not forcing things, rather letting them present themselves and living in the moment as best as I can. You are a light to so many of us here (((((Cyndee))))) I am blessed to know you, keep shining brightly!!!!!!
wow...just love the way you ~ your way of writing. It reaches out and takes hold (of me) my heart, my mind.. where i'm at...*right this minute is what matters most. you are such an inspiration, your views and your ideas based on using the tools of the program to guide you are so awesome. am very glad that you decided to leave the post. needed to read it. () love your prospective. !! helped me to come to of realized that there are some (what i thought important) issues, not just feelings, that i have been "battling with" that really do not even deserve the energy I was giving into them. So, the issues AND the upset feelings that I am having trouble with.. I am going to be ~ Letting Go and Letting God have all that... to tend to, to take care of and to take away.
i love ya sparky! Think I'll go use that *precious energy* on some "good stuff" hmmmm....maybe plant those flowers I bought just the other day that out there sitting on my planters bench *~* and then....
I think I'll throw the frisbee a bit for my big ol' dog. He loves that. And I love to see him happy too ~ (he's been keepin it near him as though he is letting me know he is wanting to run and loose some of that winter fat hes put on from this winter ~ haha ~) ((LOL))
you are such an inspiration, your views and your ideas based on using the tools of the program to guide you are so awesome. am very glad that you decided to leave the post. needed to read it. (
) love your prospective. !
! helped me to come to of realized that there are some (what i thought important) issues, not just feelings, that i have been "battling with" that really do not even deserve the energy I was giving into them. So, the issues AND the upset feelings that I am having trouble with.. I am going to be ~ Letting Go and Letting God have all that... to tend to, to take care of and to take away. 
KEEP WORKING IT 
YOU ARE WORTH IT!