The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a thought ... My AH stopped by to shower before going to a graduation party. The thought that came to mind is he looked like he was ridden hard and put away wet ... for non horse people rough shape. It did not change my frame of mind which for some unexplainable reason except I prayed to have peace today no matter what. I even found joy in his discomfort, for a minute I had to stop and think IS what I am feeling a vindictive ... look at what you are getting feeling? In the past it would have been, Today I feel a joy because perhaps finally the walls are closing in on him, maybe his HP is guiding him to a place of such misery the only choice is to find a way to care for himself. I feel sympathy for him too, the tears almost came when he asked if his hair looked alright, his fear was wide open ... I fixed it a bit for him and said you look great. I think he has suffered enough for all the things he feels guilt for. I think I have found forgiveness today. And now I can cry, all my worst fears are coming to be, losing my husband, my home, my way of living and I am not terrified, afraid yes and hurting but the real reason I'm crying is because of all the wrong things I have done over the years, that I can't apologize to him for right now. I'm not strong enough to have them turned against me, and do not trust he wouldn't.
Hi Jennifer, sorry I haven't been on for awhile,and haven't had time yet to catch up on posts, but I do have time to pray for you that HP will give you strength to help you through this difficult time in your life. It will get better in time. Thinking of you, with love, TLC
i feel like i can relate. seeing my ah yesterday and spending time with him gave me so many mixed emotions. i was friendly but not too friendly which was hard because it seems natural to just love him when he is "normal".this is so new for me. i wanted to tell him he looked good with the haircut and that i know this is hard for him and just be a friend to him. but i can't right now. he isn't there and would take it the wrong way.and then i started to feel really bad about the nasty things i have said to him in the reacent past. he is so broken and i did contribute to that when i didn't have to. i know i can't get deep with him yet or even apologize because it might make me vunerable to him. and to do what is best for me i need to stay focused. who knows what tomarrow will bring. just so grateful to know i am not alone..
