The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK....A comes back on Friday after a month on a new Harley he had just bought the night before. I was nauseated by the $16K toy, but overjoyed to see him and ACTUALLY believed that he was missing me and ready for some changes.
I called him Sat and left a voice mail telling him I get off work at 3. At 3:20 he called me, I was in the cemetery walking, told him I would call him back. I called him, asked him if we could do something together tonight. He said he needed to go out and get some cash and he would call me back. 6:30 and no phone call. I left and picked up a friend and we went to her friends house, who is the county zoning comissioner a decent man who has his sh*t together, excellent father, very nice home, travels extensively, courteous and intelligent - exactly WHAT I should be looking for, not attracted to him at all in the slightest....OK so we are at his house, and I snuck and called A, he did not answer. Then about 10 minutes later he calls me and asks me to come over, that he was hungry and he thought we could eat and watch some TV, so I told him I would. 3 mintues later he calls back, UM, I decided I want to lay down I am really tired. I threw a fit....then told him I was coming over and making him face me, one on one and I was done with his wishy washy BS coward crap. He then took off out the back door, got in his car and left while we were on the phone together, said he needed to check something and he would call me back. 20 mintues later I get a text message "NOT TONIGHT" I flipped out called him and guess what he did?....went 40 minutes away to his swine cousins house...we fought and fought, it was like God was smacking me in the forehead "wake up you idiot! this guy is avoiding you at all costs" BUT after I had hung up on him, 3 hours later I called him, he was in - suprise - Buffalo Wild Wings drinking with swine boy. Said he would call me tomorrow.
I wish to God I had never sent that damned text message Friday, that is what initiated all of this, and NOW that I have fallen off the wagon in my detachment and healing I am just as nuts as I was several weeks ago.
My mother is furious with me, my friend told me Jennifer do you realize he is just making up excuse after excuse to keep you in the distance...not totally let go...but not be with you...you dont deserve this and YOU are putting yourself through, he isnt doing it, and he is not worth it.
Why are we all so freakin stupid? I mean, WHY do we fall into this sh*t? Pretty much everyone here in MIP tolerates behavior we KNOW we shouldnt we KNOW we deserve better we KNOW we are sick and hurt and tired and we deserve more and better for our lives....is this co-dependency???? It is horrible.
It CANNOT be love! I mean, I validate that we do LOVE these A's, but, IS it really all about "love"....
Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
Love does not demand it's own way.
Love is not irritable, it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.
It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.
Well, maybe the last line fits, but GEEZ!
Back to nuttiness, however, I feel I can handle it now...well, I know I can because I have already done it....just fell off the wagon and now I need to get back on it.
For whatever reason, though most of us go for it. So many of us grew up in homes where that kind of emotional manipulation was the only kind of love going, and so it's what love looks like to us. In some ways I am so happy that my daughter loves her dad so much, but in another, all I can see is her future, where she will always be drawn to the charming, unreliable, emotionally unavailable man, because that's what loving a man feels like, to her.
Anyway, all we can do is pick ourselves up, dust off, and keep moving.
I do alot of reading.....I would like to try again to get some reading material to you. Please PM me.
I'm praying ((very strongly)) that you can make it to some local face to face meetings. This program works if you work it . Work it from the inside out. Applying them in thought and in each step to/of your every day.
I want to say that I am very concerned about you and your disposition. ***Most of all I feel very strongly, (maybe HPS making me feel to write this .. but I do know its something powerful in me and its feels the need to soo...)...... You really need to talk with someone one on one. Perhaps a counselor or someone that can help you determine why your continuing to let yourself be "carried off in your mind." .... by someone elses intentions or non-clear intentions towards you. (I only read they are nnot straightforward intentions, not clear and not healthy intentions) ...especially seem to be they are not "healthy" intentions. They are not loving intentions, they are not supporting your love towards them, your inner self and loving strength .. more importantly *your loving spirit, *your precious life, * your well intended actions/love/support.
Alanon is a program that you apply to your everyday. Its something that becomes you. It is a way of living. A way of thinking. A way of finding peace within yourself. Not in or from someone else.
"Being right with yourself," (within myself) brings on strength in my/(your faith,) strength in my/(your faith) in my/ (your ) Higher Power. An inner possession. A precious possession. Only for You. Only For *YOUR* Strength, *YOUR* Serenity. All by having "Faith" in your Higher Power. By having faith in your Self. Love / Faith is not a way of war. There should be a balance. Boundaries are, can be, set with respect to each other *equally. No matter the relationship. Mother, Father, Teacher, Son, Neighbor, Lover, Husband,
Sometimes..the answers are right there. Just by stopping and letting some times pass.. Letting HP/God do some of the work that is not for you to control, not for you to take on yourself....just by not doing anything at all... but take care of YOU...alot of very important things to you can/will work them selves out on its/ on their own.
I also ask these questions when I become confused and the answers are just not there...... when anothers intentions are selfish or unclear... **HOW IMPORTANT IS IT? & IS IT WORTH MY SERENITY?
KEEP WORKING THIS (IT) BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT!
((BIGHuG)) Keep Looking Up and Keep Working the Program!
One day at a time! Take it easy and breathe...you will be fine. Everytime you do this you get closer to having had enough. No one else can tell you when that is. I am praying it will be soon. You are right...many here keep putting up with it. But many...myself included do not.
"One day at a time! Take it easy and breathe...you will be fine. Everytime you do this you get closer to having had enough. No one else can tell you when that is. I am praying it will be soon. You are right...many here keep putting up with it. But many...myself included do not."
I agree with her 10000%!!
Breathe deeply...breathe again...and again...
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can really relate to your post. It is so easy to get caught up in their lives. It is a sickness OUR sickness.. It really stinks.. I pray that we both learn to walk away and detach !
making me feel to write this .. but I do know its something powerful in me and its feels the need to soo...)...... You really need to talk with someone one on one. Perhaps a counselor or someone that can help you determine why your continuing to let yourself be "carried off in your mind." .... by someone elses intentions or non-clear intentions towards you. (I only read they are nnot straightforward intentions, not clear and not healthy intentions) ...especially seem to be they are not "healthy" intentions. They are not loving intentions, they are not supporting your love towards them, your inner self and loving strength .. more importantly *your loving spirit, *your precious life, * your well intended actions/love/support. 
**HOW IMPORTANT IS IT? & IS IT WORTH MY SERENITY? 
!
