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Yesterday was topsy turvy day to say the least. I am in the middle of the Friday nightmare that my job setting portrays.... Picture this.... my boss comes in and says we need a staffing on one of the Foster Family's that had verified abuse ASAP, so trying desperately to get everyone rallied up for next week... the examiner comes in and says "hey can you sit in on a teleconference with an investigator on a hosptial case". I say what hospital case? That's how busy I was... I look in my mail box at the referral and it turns out to be a chronic Shaken Baby case. Ugh! So I'm in the middle of typing up my notes on the teleconference and A phones in saying Hi how are ya, and I've got great news the college approved me for every Pell grant. Basically he's filing as a single father, but we live together and share the bills. Then says, looks like we may not be able to get married in November if I want to continue Pell Grants for school. I say well, I'm sure we'd qualify for some pell grant money, we don't make that much as a family of four? He says, No way they won't give me any money if I'm married they'll look at your income. So he says look if you love me you'll wait the four years, I'm not going to lose this opportunity just because YOU want to get married. I said I thought YOU wanted to get married too. He said I do but what difference does it make if we wait four more years, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not sure how to respond to this.... I mean I go from one week with him telling me how sorry he is for blaming me for all the problems in his life and our relationship to this week, your not doing enough and if you don't do something about your attitude and self esteem don't expect me to stick around. I'm sure you guys can see why I'm so insecure about this relationship. We're at my mom's today and he begins talking to my stepdad about he got the student pell grants and i say very casually Well our friends so and so are married and they got their education paid for. He says, Yeah their dirt poor.. then I say well my other friends were married an her husband got some Pell grant money. He says very disrespectfully, I'm not going to argue about this!! My grandmother says in French, "thats a shame". Meaning the way he spoke to me. I realize everything is about attitude and perception. I do love this man, but honestly I'm not seeing his committment to me in his actions. I feel when you propose marriage to a person you stick to it or you back out completely. We have set three wedding dates. I'm supposed to feel good about waiting another four years so he can get a free ride!! Meanwhile, I get to live with the constant good feelings about me one week and bad feelings another. It shows in everything he says and does that he's not happy with me. I feel like I'm fooling myself and this person is once again looking for a hand out and asking me to wait and be patient. I feel I've waited long enough I'm not getting anything back from this relationship. I don't think he even likes me to be honest. He says all these things that he can't stand about me and never really tells me what he loves about me. Unless I'm doing something for him, then I'm wonderful and what would I do without you. Classic dependent/codependent behavior. He has no clue what kind of woman he has... is guilt? Is it that he feels unworthy... or is it that he feels like I owe him something? Having to explain his comment to my mom was difficult, because I havent really shared with her what's been going on, a promise I made to A, but it was hurtful and humiliating to be talked to in front of them. His attitude resonates I don't like you or your family this weekend. I feel bad because my family has been kind and forgiving towards him. They're good people and they don't deserve that anymore than I do. I'm not sure what I need today just needed to vent and gather some support. My hands are tied this time real good. There's no way I can swing bills and daycare on my own. That might mean selling my home and relocating close to my mother so she can help me watch the kids. Not really what I want either. I want to make it on my own with out needing to uproot my kids, however leaving the city might be the best alternative for everyone. He'll get on with his life and maybe I'd recover quicker too. Any ESH would be greatly appreciated.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Well he sounds like a typical selfish alcholic to me. Its all about "me". I also think one trait of the alcholic is it is all about their needs, ours never come into consideration. Lately I have been standing up more to the A and setting limits. That helps. If marriage is important to you, then you need to have it out there that it is. I dont know too many people who wait for ever to get married. Oddly enough at one time I wanted to marry the A now I am grateful that I did not. Whatever the issue, it seems like your A is used to getting things all his way. He does not even ask your opinon!
I read your post and although I can't relate to your situation, I just wanted to offer you support and ESH. You'll decide what is the right thing to do.
Hello Mom , Yu do what is best for you and the kids, and remember pride won't feed you, if you need help for a few yrs from mom as to baby sitting it dosen't m ake u a failure , to me it makes you someone who knows she needs help and can accept it gracfully. God's plan ????? maybe.
The alcoholic will always take care of himself first it is up to you to do what is best for yourself and your kids. You say he is always belittling your efforts is that really what u want for yourelf and your children? you deserve to be treated with respect but until u decide that u deserve better nothing will change except that you will end up more frustrated than you are now. good luck Louise
To me, having a conversation that seems to be at first about Pell Grants and then shifts to a conversation about maybe we shouldn't get married, is seriously crazymaking. No wonder you don't know how to respond!
In my own recent (now over) relationship, this used to happen ALOT. For example, I had gotten invited to a Wedding and I wanted my partner to go with me. At some point, the conversation shifted from whether we should accept the invitation to my partner saying she would go to the wedding if we were married, but since we weren't married she didn't have to and wouldn't go. Suddenly, we were no longer talking about an invitation but about whether we would work out as a couple. Needless to say, these conversation shifts were crazymaking and often left me frustrated and in tears.
I realize now that in a way my "hysterical" reaction gave my partner the excuse she needed to claim that I didn't consider her needs, wasn't supportive of her, etc., etc. And it shifted the focus away from my partner's crazymaking behavior unto how I was having an unreasonable reaction. Sound familiar?
The Serenity prayer has been a lifesaver. Now, when something difficult comes up, I take a quiet moment to write out the prayer and as I write it out I fill in my specific concerns. As I write the second line, courage to change the things I can, I really LISTEN to myself internally to see what feelings and fears, and attitdues come up. Then, with HPs help, I work on those things.
Saying the Serenity Prayer has helped me realize, for example, what I couldn't control [how my partner handled things] and what I could [my own fear of abandoment (that was often triggered by my partner's crazymaking behavior)]. As I began to handle my own fears of abandoment, it's been much easier for me to not go crazy over crazy making behavior and have more clarity on how to handle things. For me, my partner had a lot of power over me, because she could trigger my fears of abandoment. As I become less triggered, I have a stronger hold on my own life, my choices, and what I want.
So, it may be helpful to ask, "When my partner brings up postponing marriage, what feelings does that bring up for me?"
Hi Twinnie what I see here is your A making choices about what is best for him in the relationship - now you just have to do the same. Get the focus back on what you and the kids needs are now. You know that whatever decision you choose your family will support you and that is a huge bonus. Luv Leo xxx
Try reading your post as if someone else wrote it. How would you respond?.....I think you know the answer...you just have to listen to your inner self..be patient with yourself.... sending prayers and positive vibs your way.
Lots of good stuff here - I just want to ask one question. Are you reallly sure YOU want to get married to him? Or would it just be a way of making yourself feel more secure? Marriage will not change the way he treats you, or the way the two of you interact.
