The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been 6ms since my last post. During my time away I worked very hard for the first three months working on myself in a different format, with others with different issues, but similar goals on self recovery. It was a wonderful process and while I was working the 12week program the support was great. BUT... what I have concluded is, yes the support and the tools I gained was very useful at the time, another 3 months has past and guess what, I have not spoken to a single person out of 23 from my group. I have reached out a couple of times and no one has replyed to me. This leaves me to wonder all sorts of stuff. Lately I have been dealing with alot of personal issues as many of us do. Of course being in Alanon, we all have a AA conection, for me, I have 4 members of my life that are A's. My father is a "dry Drunk" being in AA in the beginning but never wanted anyone's help, thank god he is still sober after 19yrs. My boyfriend of 18ms has 17yrs, my step brother had 2yrs till about 10days ago when he relapsed, and my X husband the father of my 2 children is still active. I have found myself in and on a pitty pot the past few weeks. Im in VICTIM mode big time. I share with my boyfriend lots and it is hard for him to understand and support me. He has told me many times that I need to go back to my meetings and or talk to other Alanon members. I even went to my doctor yesterday telling him that I was depressed(I was hoping for a quick fix pill)he never did give me anything other then telling me that yes I might be slightly depressed, I have had alot of stress and maybe I should see a councler. It was then that it hit me, I dont need a pill, I dont need a councelor. I NEED ALANON!! I am right back at step 1-2-3. It would have been 1 yr for me at my F2F group in May. I have not been to that location since Nov. Iam somewhat embarrased to go back. I know noone will judge me, it just that Im not there yet. I wanted to start here first. How do I get past these feelings of rejection, of anxity, of disappointment and then there is my lack of self love. Most recently my X has started dating my next door neighbor. I was shocked. she was married, has 2 kids, they met through him taking my daughter to kindergarten. just 3 weeks ago she told her husband that she was leaving him for my X... it freaked me out. I have cried non stop, he and I fight more now then ever. Then my boyfriend who works in a construction camp up north 21 days home for 7, has held on to his emotions where Im concerned. Has never told me he loves me. To me I feel like shit, not worth anything....When my brother relapsed, I was devistated for him. Im just so freak'n tired. kids drive me crazy, I dont feel like going to work and right now, Im mad at my HP and jelouse of others. Im looking for insight from anyone who has an opinion. Im on the fence and really want to jump into the backyard where the fun and happy people are but right now sitting here where Iam.
I am so proud of you for reaching out for help. Asking for help, at least for me, is not something that is always easy to do.
Over the past 6 years I have been in and out of alanon for periods of time. Just wasn't making it important like I should. I would say the past year I have really committed and made my program #1. I think at times many of us have left the program and come back. We always say that walking into that first meeting, takes alot of strength. I have found that taking the steps back to a meeting after a time away is scary. Not sure why, I know the loving members of my group will be there with open arms, but I think I am judging myself. Because I know better.
You are going through so much right now and you deserve support. And it is here wating for you for all of us. We just have to take it. I have been getting home later than normal this past week, and I have not made it a priority to get to a meeting. So I think I am speaking to myself here as well.
Keep coming back.
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Hate to hear that things are not "so bright" in your world today, - remember we are powerless over alcohol and alcoholics and of course people, places and things, but we do have power over one thing - ourselves - continue that work on you - it gets a little tough at first, feeling those feelings that for many years we stuffed can be overwhelming, but it is better on the other side,
Praying your HP restores the shine to your smile,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
hi sunny, im sorry you are having such a hard time right now. its awesome that you are reaching out to us because we are all here for you. ive felt exactly how you are many times before. the chat room and posts here saved me. so did the bible. when life got hard i stepped it up and ate up all the alanon lit i could. i stepped up my program. got of the pity pot. im worth it. go spoil yourself to get started. do something that makes you feel good. you are so worth it and you will begin to see that too. take babysteps, everyday you can do one nice thing for yourself. stay clost to alanon and dont wander too far. keep the focus on the most important thing in your life........ you. :)
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Thank you all for your comments. After my post this morning, I emailed my sponser who called me and we went for coffee. She again helped me to see the light. Thank god for sponsors. Just when I thought she would toss me on my butt, she held me in her arms and listend to my stuff. SHe then said what she wanted and as the words say, take what you like and leave the rest. Im not healed, I have alot of work, she gave me a book to read, she suggested I find my courage to change daily. She also put out there, if I need a ride to the f2f on wed night she would pick me up all I need to do is phone her. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I do have alot of work to do, but like I read here, it is baby steps, little tiny baby steps.
i think it is pretty typical your ex would start dating your next door neighbor. My current boyfriend has really upset me many many times with his friends (who take up all his time and energy). He insists on bringing them over to our house and practically moving them in. I have set huge limits around this. Nowadays I am no longer in competition with them. I have my own focus on recovery and my own goals which are not about having him pay attention to me.
I slip and slide all over the place in recovery but I have come so so far in 6 months. I am not able to come to meetings here as I once did diligently because my work schedule means that I am not here for them. Nevertheless the joy and peace and dignity from this room comes through loud and clear in this message board for me. I hope you continue to post and let us know how you are doing. I know it is hard to share but it is good to know you are not alone. For the longest time I felt guilty, alone and deprived by my boyfriends behavior around friends of his (who clearly take priority over me). When I came to this room I learned this a very common A trait. I no longer felt, shame, abandonment and rage around the issue, I detached.
Don't ya just hate when you type everything out....and then your computer goes haywire and deletes it all!!!
Anyways....I was saying how I also have not been to a f2f since February, just got caught up in myself... then there was the fear of walking back thru the door. I am so glad that there isn't a door to the website!!! And I am so happy that after 7 months of going regularly to meetings it is now inbedded in my brain. When things get really tough there's that voice that eventually pops in and says "talk to your Al Anon friends, they are always willing to listen and share their ESH"
, just got caught up in myself... then there was the fear of walking back thru the door. I am so glad that there isn't a door to the website!!! And I am so happy that after 7 months of going regularly to meetings it is now inbedded in my brain. When things get really tough there's that voice that eventually pops in 
and says "talk to your Al Anon friends, they are always willing to listen and share their ESH"