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I asked my A last night why he was being so cold and distant to me. He says its because I said I was going to get into counseling and start a work out program. He said "I haven't seen you do anything this week, and I'm upset about it". He says don't expect me to stick around for much longer if choose to do nothing about your attitude, self-esteem, and weight loss. He said my attitude and self-esteem issues come out everyday in our relationship and in the home.
While some of this may be true, I disagree with the statement that I've done nothing. Granted this week was difficult. Finding a new daycare, being sick, missing work and trying to catch up. Not much energy or time to exercise. He explained if I were sitting here drinking a beer right now you wouldn't put up with it.... So why should I put up with your issues? Not one nice word about me came out of his mouth. He just slammed me each time. Finally I got up and said "I'm sorry you don't see the growth and changes I've made, other do, and I do". I said, " I am a phenominal woman and others believe that about me too". I said sorry you don't see it. I'm trying to be rational about this, but its hard. I made an appointment with a counselor this morning and will begin working on the weight issue. My feeling right now is I'm worth putting the effort into my life. I let him know this was not for him but for me. I know its selfish for me to continue on the path I'm on, selfish to him and the boys... I feel like he needed something in his pocket to hold over my head since I basically let him know that if he starts drinking again he can't be with us. I feel like this is just one more reason he can use to blame me for his crap and ultimately justify why "we don't work" anymore. Just venting, thanks for listening.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
sounds like he is taking your inventory. which is different then you setting a boundry of drinking = leaving. my a will do anything and everything just so he does not have to face himself. a friend says that living with an a is like living in the land of goofey. they are the king and we live there without even realizing. sober or not a's have problems that they would rather someone else deal with. keep your chin up and know in your heart that you are getting better. the things we do to get better are not selfish or against anyone. our lives have to be for us. you are doing great. you are an inspiration..
I can totally relate my A doing the same thing about my weight, my housekeeping, my smoking etc. He is not in a program of recovery, in fact drinking like a fish. Especially this weekend in preparation for his brother's visit. Has stocked up on pot and beer for the occasion and I am about ready to flip out. He says if I am not working on me why should he work on him. Just an excuse of course. And of course my excuse for not working on me is I don't have the energy because I am to busy taking his inventory. What a mess.
I am so sorry your life is confrontational right now. You are a wonderful person who is obviously getting better. All of that comes from you and not from his portrait of you.
I don't know how many times this week I have said to my AW " ... I will have to keep working on that... " and " ... I am doing the best I can ... " If she was in a program and understood the concept, I would be tempted to say ... "Hey, when did you become my HP? HP and I will take care of it."
Now that I am in need of a support group (her proclamation) because of the activity she can't seem to stop, she takes every oportunity to let me know all my issues. She wants to balance out the scales. I absolutely do things she does not like, but normal people know that and handle it somehow.
If we can keep in mind that they reflect their own guilt in their words, we should be able to dismiss these things minute by minute. If I ragged her the way she hounds me... she would be mortified!
Everyone has their own pace in recovery and life changes. I don't even know what my pace is, so I sure can't tell you what yours is.... neither can he, right?
Keep taking care of you, you are doing great!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Alot of the Alanon literature tells us to don't say or do anything. Meaning about what the alcoholic says and does. Keep the focus on yourself. He should be very busy keeping the focus on himself.
