The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. I was told by my family group therapist to start a consequences contract with my husband if he used drugs or alcohol again. I'm not sure where to start? Any help? I know I need to make the rules reasonable. Thanks
To me, it is your "reasonable", as in, this list or contract is really what you need to be able to live this way.... In my experience, active A's have great difficulty in discerning what any concept of 'reasonableness' is, so I don't think you're gonna get much help there... My only caution, would be that you "mean what you say and say what you mean", as we Al-Anons are famous for making boundaries, then watching our A's cross them, and then NOT having them face any consequences for their actions.
I think that is the best test for "reasonableness", in asking yourself if you will follow through with the consequences you have laid out.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well Alina that sounds wonderful if it works , ultimatums have never worked for me all the contracts in the world means nothing to an alcoholic fighting this disease. The only problem I see with this is if he dosent do what he promises yu are going to have to be strong enough to hold up your end of the bargain , the concequnce !!!! otherwise yor word means nothing. and one more time they have no respect for us . So if your ready to follow thru with the concequence give it a try. good luck Louise
I like this idea of a contract, but what are some examples of reasonable consequences, other than the trusty "I'm leaving" stand-by? Maybe a little brainstorming on the subject will help us all with the contract concept.
I am new to the program myself but something you said gave me food for thought. I have learned in alanon that I need to do things out of love, not out of anger. I look back on a letter I wrote to my A. I still agree with alot of what was said in my letter to him. But some of it was mean. Believe me my family contract was a small novel. I have read over it many times in the past months since I have written it and given it to him. Much has changed between him and I trying not to focus on the past but only on that day. I told him I don't know what the future holds for us today is good day for us. Tomorrow he might not like this person I am becoming or I might get to the point where I say "How important is it", and then decide this isn't what I want anymore. I keep asking myself that everyday. I have also been thinking alot of changing some of my boundries in my own family contract."
I wish you the best in whatever you decide for you. Thanks for your share. Glad you are here.
DO
always try and do something for yourself everyday, your worth it!
Alina, In my experience, if this contract is so "YOU" have a definite boundary you want set up, re: the consequences for his behavior, then I agree that it must be what YOU can live with.
I mean some say, you drink, you are outa here. Then they cannot live up to it. Thus the A does not believe you.
I set up my life to live without depending on A. So I can say, ok get outa here...I tell ya it is freeing.
Most all A's will use again. It is a horrible disease. To me it is like saying, ok you are in remission, if it comes back. I want a divorce or you are no longer in the home etc.
If we do this kind of thing becuz it is really an act of desperation and it is an ultimatum, I guarentee it will not work.
To the A it is more pressure and it almost makes it harder to not use and drink. They don't think like we do.
Is this therapist involved in a 12 step program and/or have a knowledge of AA and Alanon?
I am glad you came here. I hope things go ok for you. Have you been attending alanon? AA?
I guess I want to say also, we learn in alanon that no matter what we do, we cannot control if the A uses or not. So that is another thing. If anyone thinks a contract will make him/her think twice about drinking, it won't. All it will do, is set a boundary for YOU.
So I guess I would ask myself, am I doing this so I will stick to my boundary and/ or consequenses or is it to threaten or give my A an ultimatum, or try to scare him/her into not using?
