The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this was a response to some more literature that i like to read....
"I rarely cried while I was growing up in myalcoholic family. I was sure it was a sign ofweakness. However, my emotions came as apackage. When I turned off one feeling, I shut offall the others. My grief was, and sometimes still is,unbearable. If it weren't for the program, mysponsor, and the support of fellow Al-Anon members, I wouldn't be able to grieve at all.Thanks to the program, I now realize that grievingis not a sign of frailty. In fact, it's the opposite.Sobbing, wailing, lamenting -- all different ways of discharging my pain so that I can heal -- "
me_________oh i don't remember crying after age 10....i wet my bed, cried as i had to get up in the middle of the night and change my sheets, and i cried...i felt SOOO unloved.... and the worst was yet to come!!!!! the tears stopped when i was 10....funny going on 50 years ago, i remember when i was UNable to cry anymore.....anger would erupt at something ELSE, but not where it should have been........so when i shut off the tears, most other emotions went off too.....by the time the incest started, i was totally numb---a non feeling zombie...i had to disconnect to bear my horrible life, otherwise i would have died or gone hopelessly insane.......
when my mother died (she was the first) i felt nothing...like i was in another place...when i looked into her casket and saw her lying there with her hands folded, all i could think to say to this woman was "good luck" thats IT!!! what a thing to think, but that was all i could muster.......
what REALLY died of importance to me was ME...my hopes and dreams...my trust...my emotions.....my RELATIONSHIP with self and any Higher Power.....getting into this program has shown me how much GRIEF i had stored all these years.....my RAGE and ANGER was only the "lid to my pain"...it was easier and safer to show the anger.....oh, now i was mad, yes, but that was the ONLY emotion i could show.....maybe it was my "protector" my "drawbridge" to keep MORE pain out.....maybe it was that AND my outrage that i could be THAT much disrespected by both parents, i meant NOTHING to them, but something to use.....her with her emotional problems, imposing on ME to fix HER....and of course his insatiable sex desires...i was an object....so yeah , i was in a RAGE, my needs were not only NOT met, they were stepped on .....but the hurt....the god awful HURT, i wouldn't discover THAT till i got into the program.....
and yes, now i can sob...i can wail...i can lament...i can as the psalmist says "groan and cry until my couch is wet from my tears"......i too lost , for a long while, an amazing woman......ME!! and i am in a battle to win her back.....to put her back together, and with this program, my mates, my co-sponser, my 12steps, my SAFE others, i can and will "get me back"
The First, Second, and Third Steps helped melocate the threshold of recovery. . Now they accompany me as I walk downthis dark and lonely hallway called grief.
me________for me?? the first 3 steps, helped me see how POWERLESS over my losses i am....that i cannot "make all those years up to me" with the exception of learning to love/ treate me well so i can radiate that out to safe others.......he took everything away from me, but he didn't get my spirit....he did NOT get my "ME" away from me...oh yeah, i had to disconnect for a while, but i am REconnecting with the steps........
one of the hardest things i had to do was to give up ALL my hopes and dreams that i cannot do....i had to let GO the longings for a companion, my country home on a couple of acres, my being able to retire.....i had to give that UP..becuz i am powerless....these longings are breaking my heart.... what is that saying??? "hope deferred makes the heart sick"...out of the bible..a book i don't totally buy into, but that one sentence, i saw it and i thought "i need to let go of these hopes that are not doable under my power, at this late in my life".....and so last night, lying in bed, i did teh hardest thing....i did a step 7 i asked my higher self to REMOVE these longings for the retirement, country home with a nice companion...i asked for these longings in my heart to be TAKEN AWAY.......i dont WANT them...
in place of that, i am focusing entirely on me and getting me back into "body - mind- emotions" shape.....with my deep "belly" breathing/ meditations/ vitamins therapy/ excercise program/ step work/ taking time OUT for "down time" where i am relaxing etc.....
yes, i am grieving....it is showing me that i am ALIVE, and that i can FEEL so i can possibly HEAL......thank U , DONE
I too got stuck in anger. Anger over my own sexual abuse turned to promiscuity and then just anger at men in general. You are not alone! Oh gosh how we have to mourn for our own lost childhood and lost vulnerability. Me I can always get mad and cry. But the other emotions are still to this day all screwy in my mind.
So glad for you that you are getting thru this part. I know how hard it can be too. The depths we have to go, jeeesh, felt like a cellular level at times. I had to of been disasocciated too, cause I used to feel as if I was always just an observer, among the rest. Whooa, was it different after connecting back up again. I was so glad to get thru the really painful stuff. It sure felt strange afterwards for awhile. It seems I'll always feel different than others though. Don't know if that will go away yet.
Hope you find that serenity and a satisfying goal to accomplish, I'm working on mine.
BLESSINGSCOURAGESTRENGTH
__________________
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
ROSIE
COURAGE
STRENGTH