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I haven't posted in a while, I guess I've been withdrawn in my own little world. Basically I've been plodding along from day to day but not really feeling much peace. I threw my back out and its been pretty bad for the last week. Being in pain really drains me and depresses me, I want to feel good. I've had a rough time with putting this last incident behind me, lots of anxiety and worry. Its coming out in my dreams as well... My A is doing fine. He's still sober, increasing his meetings, he found a sponsor. He's exercising and losing weight. He quit smoking all these changes are just going at warp speed. I guess what's happening to me is the change is so fast. He's always been that way, he makes a declaration of change and does it all at once, then it doesn't last long and reverts back to his bad habits.
I feel he sits in judgement on me when he sees me smoking or eating something I shouldn't eat. His changes have affected me in the sense that it shows me what I'm not paying attention to in my life because I'm so focused on what he's doing. It has started me thinking about all the things I've wanted to do in my life and I put them on hold four years ago when I got in this relationship and haven't done squat about my goals. I gained extra weight with my pregnancy that I haven't been able to shed, still smoking, not working on anything that I started years ago. I'm cheating myself... cheating time... wasting time more like. Last night I was able to release it and let my A know that I'm not sad that he's changing I'm sad because I'm not.
He said if you focus on yourself and get your foot out of my a** then you'd be a happier person and I'd be happier with you because I'd miss you. This fear has kept me from moving forward. Fear that I take my focus off the issues we have and I get blindsided by deciet and lies. This morning I made the decision that I'm not going to let time slip away from me any longer. I must put the effort into my life. I have so much work left to do before I leave this earth and if I don't try how will I ever know what I would have been capable of. Woke up, worked out, stretched my back out pain and all. I'm hurting right now, but I think once I get a little of this weight off my back will feel better. I was doing well, but this other person sent me into a down spiral. I had to ask HP to remove this anger and resentment I have towards both of them. My dreams are turning violent and I feel that anger during the day too. I worked hard to let that anger go. I'm angry at him that he didn't think enough of me to take into consideration how his decision to call her would affect me. He doesn't think its that big of a deal because he didnt' have sex with her, but to me its a big deal. I lost trust in him and let him know that trust has been broken and if wants it back he needs to work hard for it everyday. Nothing less than hard work can appease me now. I will say he appears to be on the right road. Its time to let go of the fear no matter what happens. By fearing the unknown and projecting my thoughts and focusing on things that have not happened yet or may never happen, I'm enviting those things into my life. Taking it ODAT, my A thinks I'm wasting time with Alanon because he doesn't see me doing the things in life that I need to do everyday... I think that's more about me than the program. Its time for me to put program into action and see what comes out of it.
Have a blessed day...
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
We are so on the same page! My heart goes out to you...You and I are sharing that world right now, and, if you're like me you're in your own little cocoon somewhere in a corner.
I threw out my back last year-it's horrible to feel so out of control and useless. As if there aren't enough things in your life to bring you down right now...
That fighting attitude is what you need to survive-keep it up. I like what you said... I must put the effort into my life. I have so much work left to do before I leave this earth and if I don't try how will I ever know what I would have been capable of.
We think we have all the time on this earth to make things right-get in better shape, take care of ourselves, treat those around us better...
If we only thought of today as our last day on earth, imagine how much better we would all treat each other-not mention OURSELVES.
Welcome to stark raving sober sheeeeesh , and they sure can focus on us , too bad we can't be as vigilant huh " well u can get the focus back on your needs and do what u have to do for yourself , your weight has nothing to do with his drinking , he drank cause he had a problem period. I hope u are going to f2f meetings for yourself u need support from people who have b een where your at that can pick up a phone on a bad day and give u a hug when u really really need one.
And as for Al-Anon not helping you well I nicley reminded my hsb yrs ago that with out it I would have left along time ago and that was the end of our converstaion. hehe We gotta keep outta of our own way sometimes . Your going to be just fine get the focus back on your needs and leave him to AA .
change is scarry but trust me sober is better than drunk anyday, it's real easy for us to get settled firmly on the pity pot the what about me routine , I noticed that he really didn't care if I was there or not so gave it up hehe. Some times it' hard to trust sobriety andas u said u have been there before but u never know this could be it !!! some one said to me "what kind of shape are u going to be in IF he does quit ?? well that ticked me off and made me more determined than ever to get well , and regardless of what he does I know i will be okay .
One random thought.... the days where my family and friends were soooo impressed about how I handled myself in my situation, were the days I was totally on the ragged edge. His massive transformation may be starting on the outside and take much longer on the inside.
Of course it goes without saying that you own no part in his drinking... Now that he is being reflective on his recient past if he begins saying you did, no doubt he is just not ready to admit it was all his own doing.
I have also not done things over the past several years which I "should" have done. I blamed it on her, but it is really nobody's fault but mine. Now it would have ticked her off to no end to be ignored while I did these things, but I am a big boy and could have done them just the same.
Good for you for taking your life back into your own hands. That takes a lot of strength!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
