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level.
My son's father called this morning. He worked nights last night, so I'll make the assumption that he's sober. I could tell he needed a drink. He yelled at me because I didn't kiss his bum. So tired of dealing with him. He ruined my memorial day by returning my son home late. He showed up, clearly drunk and he'd been driving. He's statement, "I'm fine."
So I'm sitting at work right this second and all I can think about is his anger towards me. He scares me. Not sure why. I know I should stop allowing his actions to scare me, but he acts like he has all the power and I must do whatever he says. I know this isn't true....but I still have these terrified feelings.
It's so hard to watch him. He has a great life of drinking and partying all the time. He has a good job at UPS. They already busted him once for using coke and drinking, but he's back to work, happy as a lark. Continues to drink like a fish. And I'm struggling so much. I don't get child support from him. Which isn't a big deal....but I hate the fact that I'm trying to live a good life and he can do whatever he wants and it's okay. I sound petty. Forgive me. I should delete this. I won't though because I know I need to get this out.
Just wish the panic would leave. I typically feel better after I've written, but for some reason today, I'm having a hard time not feeling scared.
I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I have a grown daughter age 20 that I am having problems with and that is why I am here. When she was little I had some situations w/ my ex like yours.
I had my daughter very young-17. I married the father but it did not work out. My life involved going to college, a stable environment for my daughter, and eventually buying my own home once I earned two college degrees and got a good job. His life was one of drinking and partying and I was just too young.
I allowed her father to see her when we first seperated, but it was always a bad situation. He came back with her and she'd be confused. He fought in front of her with people, he often smelled of liquor. He would not show up to get her, which when she was so little she did not know the difference and it only affected my plans, but about age 4 she was suffering wondering where her dad was. Anyway we lived about 2 hrs away from him and I gave him 3 strikes you are out. He screwed up so much and I never let him see her again. He did not pursue it and has not seen her since she was 4.5--it was such a blessing that he was not in her life. Today I hear he is a real drunk. He had another child prior to ours and he was never allowed to see that girl either. He did have to pay child support minimal but it helped. He did not have a regular job. I think you need to pursue the child support. When they are little things don't cost as much but my daughter is 20 and through the years there were activities, braces, summer camps, all kinds of expenses in high school especially senior year, cars, college, computers, etc. The state will help you pursue this. I was too dumb to think of it and I set myself up so I could support myself, but I lived in MA and they did it all for me I did not have to do anything. Your husband has a good job and it would be easy for you they would take it out of his check automatically. He must pay. Good luck and most importantly protect your son first and foremost. He should never be with dad if he is drinking and driving and it is your responsibitly to put a stop to this. Michelle
First let me say welcome to the board. Secondly, I want to suggest that you do not ignore that fear you have right now. It has been my experience that that kind of gut fear is a warning to you to take some action. You did not say whether the A has a propensity for violence - however, again in my experience alcohol & drugs can turn the most mild mannered person into someone we would never recognize.
As for his behavior around your child, setting clear boundries with your A is important for your child's safety and well being. Taking action to keep him from driving your child while under the influence is important. Your child's life is in danger each time it happens. You also mention that it is no big deal that your A is not paying child support. For your child's benefit as well as yours in the future I would hope that you give this some more thought.
What you are feeling is normal after watching the person we love shirk their responsibilities and appear to enjoy their lives. However, even though appearances are they are happy - most A's are truly miserable inside. For many the progression of the disease takes everything from them little by little and they put on a great face.
Remember that you cannot fix him. However, you can take care of you and your child. You have started doing so by coming here. I hope you find peace & serenity in your situation.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
No one can steal your power, or ruin your day unless you allow it. Please work on taking that power back. If you are sitting at work thinking about his anger, you are giving away your power.
Try to think of a time when someone else intimidated you this way. Maybe as a child? You may discover it is the same reactions to an old episode.
I agree about the child support, take a stand. You didn't make the child alone nor should you shoulder all the responsibility. Peope will take as myuch as you are willing to give..
Sorry if I'm kind of matter of fact today. I'm not feeling well ...am just hoping I don't sound mean..lol Don't mean to!
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Please don't ever be sorry for posting, or writing what you are feeling & experiencing at the moment... It is where you are in your recovery.
One comment I would offer, is I counted not less than 27 references to "him" in your short e-mail, which simply tells me that the majority of your focus is on him, and what he is doing, as opposed to a healthier solution of focussing on YOU.
It's really easy to lose our focus here, in and around active alcoholism... A program of recovery, for you, will help more than you could ever imagine. I hope you are able to choose recovery - for YOU - and things will get better.
"He will either drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you - you are worth it
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
YOU___________ Continues to drink like a fish. And I'm struggling so much. I don't get child support from him. Which isn't a big deal....but I hate the fact that I'm trying to live a good life and he can do whatever he wants and it's okay. I sound petty. Forgive me. I should delete this. I won't though because I know I need to get this out.
ME_________hey i can SOOO relate.......i see the a*****es drinking/ drugging/ NOT in any recovery program, and life seems to always be ok.......here we are working our tails off, TRYING to be a positive influence in this life and the crap falls on US......... believe me i know how ya feel, but i also belive in KARMA.....what goes around HAS to come around....so i am gonna KEEP trying to do what is right if only for ME, if nothing else, it makes ME feel good about ME and to hell with the jerks......i am now tryin to focus on me and what i can do for me...........so i am glad u didn't delete this post, cuz i can relate to it...AND , it , hopefully, made U feel better airing it out..that is what these boards are for....to let our stuff out..........friends in recovery, rosie
Hon, I am one who believes we must listent to our inner voice. If you feel this way, you do, there is a reason.
One very important "clue" if your A would put his own child at risk like that, there are other endless boundaries he could break.
I hope you will listen to yourself. I have gone thru some physical abuse crap. The last time did not even see it coming. It is my current A husband.
Now I am permanently hurt in my shoulder. I also will not be in the same house with him at all.
When my husband drove drunk with my kids, that was the last time he ever saw them. I immediately filed for divorce. I loved him so much, but no way going to allow him to kill my kids.
He was so upset, he got himself very drunk and run over.
I remember the fear, fear of the phone call..... I got. I did not know alanon until I married my now A.
This board is for you to vent!! Please feel free to say what you want and need to.
May I ask how come no child support? It would not be hard to get him garnished???Your child deserves it.
You can ask for supervised visitation only because he drinks and drives. Then I would get caller ID and never answer the phone to him. If he threatens you, get a restraining order.
See if you can turn your fear into anger. Protect you and your son from him and his disease.
Oh and I was going to say, PLEASE be thankful for these feelings. You are trying to tell yourself something... so listen to your pretty head.
hugs and please please keep us posted love,debilyn
I know how frustrated you feel. Seems like those of us who try to do the right thing get the crap and those who dont do the right thing live happy.
I do know that in the end, what goes around comes around. Your husband may be partying and having a good time now, but his job wont be there for long if he continues the way he is living.He is eventually going to lose all his material possessions and maybe the roof over his head.
And guess who he will turn to to help him out? Decide now that you will not help him no matter what and make a plan on how you are going to protect yourself from being bullied into picking up his pieces.
Also, the child support thing. Do it for your child, even if you dont need it to live on. Put it in a saving account for your child for the future. His father cant provide any emotional or physical support but he can give finances so let him do that.
Your anger is a good fuel to get you to act. Think of how you are going to react to your A when he returns your child when he is drunk. Supervised visits are a good thing. Or let him see your child only on your terf and only if he is sober.
I had that problem and took my A to court and he was ordered not to go to a bar while he had my children nor could he consume any alcohol while he had them. It is a good thing to do.
For your childs saftey. Think of how you would feel if he got into a car accident and your child was injured! Don't think it can't happen to you, it can. Don't let it.
I admire your honesty with your feelings. Trust your instincts. You seem to know what is right to do. If you need the support, we are here for you.
I have had to come to that decision. Let him help himself when the money runs dry. I have bailed him out so many times but at the moment I just thing what thanks have I got. He just does it again. I have bought 2 England shirts he has ruined them I'm not buying him another. Going out with my mother on Saturday for a me day. Not buying him anything. I know its hard when you love someone but what else can do.
I can so relate. Mine got caught DUI twice within a month - lost his drivers license but still doesnt have a drinking problem LOL. He drinks 24/7. I have been sober for almost 5 years and still do not understand A's !!!!!
Its not easy - Im tring to leave - our daughter moved out because of drinking, tension, argueing etc. etc. I am alone and so tired of all this crap. It may not change anything but writing about it DOES help get it out. Now if only there was an answer !!!
Be true to yourself and your children. God Bless you both.
why aren't you getting child support? he works for someone else-ups , not like working for himself(hard to prove income)and children's services will just garnish his wages. you are entitled to that plus all back child support. you also don't need a lawyer to establish it. just call your local agency. we have something called csca here, i'm not sure if that's your county calls it. i believe it's by county.they really go after those dads too you will get your money.
Your husband may be partying and having a good time now, but his job wont be there for long if he continues the way he is living.He is eventually going to lose all his material possessions and maybe the roof over his head.
Decide now that you will not help him no matter what and make a plan on how you are going to protect yourself from being bullied into picking up his pieces.
Think of how you are going to react to your A when he returns your child when he is drunk. Supervised visits are a good thing. Or let him see your child only on your terf and only if he is sober.
Trust your instincts. You seem to know what is right to do. If you need the support, we are here for you.