The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i am lying in bed last night, getting ready for sleep, and it hit me!! here i am goin on 60 this month and i **feel** like i MISSED out on life.....the abuse-- the resultant addictions/ codependency disease, u know, the aftershocks of the trauma, and NOW, i get my sick rear end into recovery...
and i am thinking "WHAT can i do with me now??" oh yeah, i can feel better about myself, i can perhaps establish SOME sort of relationship with a higher power, and yeah, i am glad, but my LIFE!!!
i was really feeling the losses.....lost love, lost opportunities, lost security of any kind.....60 years old and worrying about my job?? all my female relatives are either retired or retiring....i cannot...not till i am at least 70, IF my body holds up....and i am thinking "yeah, its great to have hp, but hp cannot hold me when i cry alone.......hp cannot go swimming with me....hp cannot TOUCH me"
i did the usual gratitude for what i DO have/ DID accomplish, however, i FELT the grief come up again last night.........wondering WHY do i go through this painful recovery work at this age, when i **feel** like it is too late for me to have any kind of life other than me and a hp .....i am in SKIN, and i am having "in skin-in body" FEELINGS......... this 12steps work has been very painful for me, going through EACH trauma and having to deal with it, and life just creeps on, and at best i am detaching from the "not wanted" circumstances that happen.....LOTS of detachment lately....LOTS of "giving over" lately, cuz ALL my needs/ wants, as a human being, are NOT doable under power..........so LOTS of step one.......i feel like my whole life lately has been one big DETACHMENT......
anway, i am still working the steps/ meets, etc, but for some reason, the realization that # 60 is comming up and there is NO end to this tunnel in site...like just work and pain work, trying to survive.........wondering WHAT do i have to look forward to but more hardship, making it alone in this life, separated from my family, can't afford to move closer to them...and i know that i have to look to me, and i am doing that, but i am sad today, i guess it "gets old" with just "me-hp"
so my approach is to try and just put one foot in front of the other, AND work the steps, meets, and FEEL my feelings......i **feel** like i lost my whole life, and got into recovery just too damned late for any opportunites to come my way....when i was f***ed up, opportunities came, i was too sick.....NOW , i am beginning to recover and NO opportunities come.....its like i came here and whoever did the planning for humans FORGOT my plan....
sorry, i am just grieving over 60 years gone by comming up jun 26th and i am looking at all the things i missed out on......its sad, even tho i am grateful for some stuff...boy the losses sure outweigh the gains in this ledger sheet...and i am thinking, "ok, just one decent break........." and whats even sadder, i TRY to calm me down, stop the chatter in my mind and i cannot get quiet enough to listen if there IS anything my hp is trying to direct me....its like doors, bad ones, are closing behind me, and the new doors that are supposed to open are NOT...so here i am in the hallway, with nothing but my grief, wondering WHAT if anything is hp doing with my life????
i just have to own and embrace my feelings of tremendous loss and grief right now, take care of me, i am taking hoodia to stop my compulsive eating so i can get into shape, do SOMETHING to make me feel better, so when #60 arrives, i won't alone/ poor AND 15# over my desired weight.....it seems to be working...and i am excercising more, and just tryin to take care of me....but there are times i feel like i am going to just "dry up and blow away".........i know!! work and REwork the steps........but i gotta be honest...sometimes i just feel like saying "screw it" ........ one good thing, i sure aint stuffing my feelings!!! i feel like s*** and i am NOT denying it!!!!!
i need some hugs-----some one to tell me that they "know how i feel" ------ thanks, rosie
For me, beginning to feel those feelings after all those years of not, was total crap. It felt horrible at first, but I am grateful to say, we (my hp, my sponsor, my home group friends, and me) worked throught it - and it does feel better on the other side, it is just tough getting there.
I agree with Megan - 60 is just a number, baby - we have several in our home group that our around that age and over. Some are newcomers, some are oldtimers, some are in between - the newcomers, too shared why are they in recovery at this stage in their life, as time passed, they too are glad they made it to the other side of those overwhelming feelings.
Don't give up before the miracle happens in you,
Hugs again,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am right there with ya honey! Don't keep looking behind you or you will crash! We all have days like this! I am a single mother at 46 who cares for her elderly mother. I work full-time and have no one to hold me or do things with either. Dating is a big joke...I am also feeling like dog doo doo! Hope tomorrow is a better day!
With the pooper scooper!!!! (**Christy flings poop over the neighbors fence)
Rosie, I felt the same way when I turned 50, I came here about a month after (Thank HP).
Would you consider a dating site like Megan has posted? A dinner or lunch out ? There are many lonely or widowed people out there that want nothing more then companionship. Worth a try?
My Mother in law lost her husband over 30 yrs ago. She never married again but she was really active and had a lot of male friends that she would have dinner with, go to Cubs games and meet with. She met a lot of people at the local Senior Center. That group would meet at McDonalds for coffee before work.
It's out there Rosie!! You just have to do the footwork :)
Love ya Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Well girl, I'm 52 and right behind ya. Reaaallllllyyy wish I had a hug tooooooooooo.((((((((((ROSIE)))))))))). Can I relate or what
Well that art career I wanted from the time I was a youngin' is the route I'm on. Beings the family had me believin' I was suppoed to take care of them most of my life, and A-mom tryed with all her might to make me like her sister, the art took the back burner for the 1st 40. I've had some setbacks with Hurricane Katrina making me start over again, but I'm a pluggin' away. Soon as I get relocated, I can be on the build again for about the 10th time. I've been told I am verrry talented, scarry to hear, and still have to deal with fear of success. Looking back is hard not to do but it does get easier, especially when you have some things to look foward at. Developing a goals list isn't impossible. Redirecting the focus was the way to go for me.
If that family is where you want to be, maybe you could save up. The vocational rehab has no age limits I don't believe. I will go back to school thru them. And they can help with resources. Look around at whats available. I don't know what I'll do the day I get those hugs, a new jurne will happen for sure if I find them. Let me know what you find out. Maybe I can try it too.
Your not alone. BLESSINGS
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Boy, I can relate. I am 52, have 4 failed marriages behind me, and am currently married to the love of my life, who is an A. Life is hard, sometimes, and even tho his body is here, most times his mind is not. I am lonely alot even with him here.
I look back at my life, the "slightly" wild person I used to be.....the loving mother I was and am, and sure would have done a lot of things differently. But, I guess things go the way they are supposed to, for some reason. Had my first husband, and daughter's dad, not been from Ohio (he was in a traveling band) when I met him in Kansas, I never would have moved to Ohio. I never would have met the love of my life. I never would have had my beautiful daughter.
Life is funny sometimes. We never know what is just around the bend, we cannot see that far. Things can change in the blink of an eye. So, just for today, appreciate who you are......YOU are Rosie Light Shines, and your light has beamed down on us, and we are grateful for you!
My AH and I will be separating as soon as our house is sold and I am facing being alone at 54 years old.I have been married to him since I was 17 so dating scares the bejeebies out of me.I gotta say,as someone else did above,that I have been more lonely in this marriage the last 10 years than I ever imagined I would be.I have cried myself to sleep aching to be held so I know how you feel.But who can say that if I had stayed with Alanon 16 years ago when he got sober and 'fixed' myself that I would have met anyone anyway?There are no guarantees.I could still be alone.
The way I am going to look at it is this.Sure, I'm a lovebug,I like the kissing and cuddling and .......etc.....but you know what I am starting to feel it's just not everything.Sure it's nice.But there is definitely more to life isn't there?
There are LOTS of single people out there.And also lots of miserable married people.I'd rather be at peace alone than in a bad marriage.Marriage is great when it's good.Maybe it's the people in my circle but I don't see alot of really good marriages.
My mother is almost 91.She started a new career in her 60's,teaching nutrition to the elderly.She worked until she was in her 80's,so hey,60 is young these days!If she had found someone and married in her 60's she would be married almost 30 years now.Think about that.If you meet someone at 63 you could still be married 20 years!Lots of woman are living into their 80's.
I have always wanted to learn to ride a horse,I love to dance,my husband can't dance.I love board games. badmitton, stuff he doesn't like.I had forgotten how much I love car racing.I watched the Indy 500 and I had a great time,all by myself!Maybe I'll find someone to do these things with,maybe not.I can always play games against the computer,ride a horse by myself.I could join the Y and find people to play volleyball with.
All I am saying is take the focus off not having a relationship and that it's too late.Start doing things YOU enjoy.You know they say you are more likely to meet someone when you are NOT looking.
Hope that helps some.Take what you like and leave the rest as they say.I'm praying for your gray skies to clear and your outlook to get sunny.This too shall pass.
I don't know if we will ever know what our mission in life is. Trust your feelings. Maybe you are grieving a huge loss like a death in the family. The abuse was real, the addictions were real, terrible people were real. I had my insight at 40 and many years later I still ask why? Why me? As I have said before I am 56 years old and I surprise myself everyday. I ran a 1/2 marathon last month. Surprised the heck out of myself. And I thought why didn't I do it when I was 20 years and 25 pounds lighter (would have been easier on my feet). But I am thankful for being in the best shape of my life (I quit smoking 25 years ago).
I attend the senior games every year. At first I was shocked at the number of people who are retired and much younger than me. Then I was very envious of their talk of travel abroard and seemingly wonderful retired lives. Then I became really resentful of their relationships with my 32 year marriage apparently in the tank. Having listened to Alanon tapes and read the Big Book I realized that I would die angry and resentful. I now look at retired people and say what can I learn from them. I know that my retirement will take a little longer and I will need to be frugal (especially without my AH's income). I take small, inexpensive side trips in my area and sometimes camp-out. I am willing to look at their vacation pictures. And I look at happily married couples and say good for them and I am glad that someone has found happiness.
I am told that what ever we give energy to will be the thing that takes on a life of its own. Your are definitely not alone on this old age thing. It is scarey and lonely sometimes. I think that what you cannot see Rosie is that by coming to this site and others and f2f meetings you are helping others with your insight and courage and willingness to grow. Go for 61!
I turn 51 on Thursday and I have been thinking like rosie and the rest of you.
I am grieving the wasted years. I am grieving the loss of a dream (relationship/mariage) with my A. I met him when I was in 10th grade and that is many moons ago.
Left, came back, left, screamed, left, cried,left, got deep into depression.............
and then I met a therapist who over time (lots of time) had me looking at my life and not what I had lost. I now have a job, feel better, and am thinking of going to college to take courses in journalism which I wanted to do after high school but never got to do. (married at 18, mother at 19)
I too worry about ever having a loving relationship. Yes, I feel alone even though I am married.
We barely speak or see eachother. That is the way to keep peace. But I am going to pick myself up and focus on what I always wanted to do.............
still thinking on that, but I am making progress.
we are all so much alike it is amazing!
justme
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL OF US WHO CELEBRATE IN JUNE!
BLESSINGS
